Out Of Reach
by Last Munichorn
Summary: Months after graduation Rachel sees Quinn in New York across the street. They didn't part on good terms. Can they forget about the past and get a fresh start?
1. Prologue

**I haven't written in a very long time and this is my first Faberry fic, so**** I have no idea if it is any good. Still, this has been in my head for weeks now and I needed to write it down.**

**I don't own anything but the idea.  
**

Grabbing onto her bags tightly, Rachel left the grocery shop and went down the street towards the apartment that she shared with Kurt.

Right before crossing the street though, she locked eyes with the last person she expected to see. The grasp on her grocery bags loosened and they collapsed to the ground while her eyes went wide with shock. She narrowed her eyes making sure that she wasn't fooling herself. But no matter how long she looked into those mesmerizing hazel eyes that she hadn't seen in months, they didn't disappear.

She looked at the blonde standing across the street more closely, taking in her appearance; the white sundress wafting around her legs in sync with the wind, the short hair framing her face perfectly, the little beige purse cradled in both her hands in front of herself and the shy smile on her face.

Shaking her head out of the daze she found herself in, she slowly bent down to pick up her bags. She must have imagined it. The blonde had no reason to be here. She felt a wave of pain surge through her body remembering her last conversation with the blonde.

_Rachel was surprised when the door to the bathrooms opened and Quinn Fabray approached her with a smile on her face handing her the train tickets from Ney York to New Haven. But she was even more surprised about the explanation that the former cheerleader offered._

"_I know everybody keeps talking about staying in touch and I wanna make sure that we do."_

_She was overwhelmed. All through high school she had wanted nothing more than for Quinn to at least be her friend and now that her dream came true, it felt like it wasn't enough anymore. As she felt the blonde's arms around her waist, she knew that leaving like this wasn't an option. She needed to tell Quinn what she felt before it was too late._

_When they pulled away from the hug that lingered a few moments longer than usual, Rachel's eyes locked onto the ensnaring hazel orbs right in front of her. _

"_Quinn, I-" And for once in her life, Rachel Berry was out of words._

"_What is it Rach? Is everything okay?" The blonde looked at her friend full of concern. She had never seen the brunette this flustered before._

"_I need to tell you something. Something that has been on my mind for a very long time. I didn't plan this. It's just…high school is over and we're leaving and the train tickets and I just-"_

"_Rachel, you're rambling," Quinn interrupted her sweetly with a small smile on her face, looking at her curiously and a little amused._

"_I'm sorry. Quinn, I…I just-" Again Rachel stopped, looking lost. _

_Softly, Quinn took her hand, trying to reassure the diva and waiting patiently for her to continue whatever it was that she need to tell her._

"_Quinn, I'm in love with you."_

"Rachel?" No reply. "Rach? Is everything okay? Do you hear me?"

The brunette shook her head, trying to clear her head and stared up at the person that's been on her mind for the past months. Slowly, she picked up her bags and stood up, trying to regain her composure.

"Quinn," she said rather coldly. "What are you doing in New York?"

"Well, someone told me that New York is one of the most beautiful cities in the world, so I thought I would see for myself. I didn't really get to see much when we were here for Nationals. It was time to make use of the train tickets I bought right before graduation," Quinn explained, trying to not sound hurt by the tone that Rachel used with her. She had never talked to her like that before.

"Well, maybe you should buy a guide book then because this neighborhood is not really the bright side of New York."

"Maybe I just need someone to show me around?" There was desperation in the blonde's voice but also hope. Hope for another chance.

"Well, good luck with that. Have a nice stay." And with that Rachel turned on her heals, crossed the street and left the blonde standing on the sidewalk, with her hop shattered into pieces all around her.

Staring after the brunette walking away from her without ever looking back, a single tear made its way down Quinn's face and she realized that she had never felt more alone than in this moment, standing on a sidewalk in a city with over 8 million people in it, the object of her longing so close and still out of reach.


	2. What are you doing here?

Storming into her apartment and slamming the door shut behind her, Rachel charged past Kurt into her bedroom.

"Who the hell does she think she is?"

"Who?" Kurt looked at Rachel, a little thrown off by Rachel's unusual swearing.

"She has no right to act like this," Rachel continued without even paying attention to her best friend present in her room.

"Having problems with your dance teacher again?"

"How can she just act like nothing happened, like everything is just fine?"

"Okay, I'm kind of lost here," Kurt admitted while watching the brunette pace through her room angrily.

"I can't just forgive her like that again. I'm not that person anymore," the diva continued ranting.

"Rachel, I don't-"

"I followed her around like a lost puppy for years even when she treated me like shit," Rachel fumed.

"Is this about-"

"I loved her and she just left me. She can't just come here and expect me to forgive her for what she did. She can't do that."

"Quinn? Quinn is here? In New York?" To say Kurt was shocked was definitely an understatement. They hadn't heard anything from the blonde since graduation. He spent hours holding Rachel, while she cried herself to sleep over the hazel eyed beauty.

"Obviously yes. Who else would I be talking about?" The brunette looked at him as if he had grown a second head.

"Are you sure? How do you know?"

"Yes, I am sure. I even talked to her."

"Well, that sounds good. Why are you so angry then?" The fashion intern felt really lost. He didn't understand what the actual problem was. He knew how much Rachel had missed the girl. Why wasn't she happy?

"Are you serious? After everything she's done to me, I'm supposed to just forgive her and guide her through town? Are you kidding?"

"Well, you forgave her for everything that she did in high school without thinking about it twice. You never held a grudge on her. So she didn't apologize?"

"I'm not like that anymore. I changed. I'm stronger than that. And no she didn't. She's here to see the city. She just talked to me as if she didn't leave me behind that day, as if she nothing happened. I don't even know what to think right now. Can you just…leave?" With that Rachel mentioned for her best friend to leave the room and closed the door behind him, lying down on her bed with anger still written all over her face.

xxxxxxxxxx

Quinn fidgeted with her purse, while standing in front of the mossy green apartment door, wondering if she should just knock or instead turn around and take the next train back to her dorm in New Haven. She wiped away the remainders of tears on her cheek and wondered just how awful she must look. Slowly she raised her hand and let her knuckles come into contact with the door. She stepped back a little, hoping that she made the right decision while waiting.

Slowly the door opened and the blonde looked up. "Quinn?" The person standing across from her looked at her surprised.

"Hey Santana!" Quinn returned her gaze to the ground shyly.

"What are you doing in New York? And why didn't you call?"

"It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment decision. Can I come in?"

Seeing the blonde in front of her seemingly uncomfortable and distraught, she stepped aside and opened the door wider for her friend, mumbling a confused "sure" when Quinn walked past her into her apartment.

"Just make yourself at home. Can I get you something to drink?"

"No, thank you," the former head cheerleader answered sitting down on the couch hesitantly.

The brunette nodded slowly and sat on the couch as well, ready to find out what brought Quinn to her doorstep out of the blue after no one had heard from her in months.

"I talked to Brittany yesterday. Are you okay?"

The Latina was a little thrown off by the question. She gulped slowly and thought about how to answer. "I don't know," she said honestly.

"Why didn't you call me? Do you still talk to her?"

"Are you serious? I haven't heard from you since graduation. You answered none of my texts or messages on Facebook. I didn't even know if you still considered me a friend. Yes, we still talk, just not that often anymore. It hurts too much."

"Of course I do. You're one of my best friends. The Unholy Trinity, right? Why did you do it? I mean, you still love her. She's heartbroken."

"Best friends don't shut each other out for months, Q," the brunette said, looking at the blonde pointedly. "It was just the right thing to do," she continued, her tone softening noticeably. "I want her to be happy and right now I can't make her happy. Maybe someday that will change. She'll get better. It's only been a few weeks."

"I shut everyone out. I just needed time to…process some things. I needed time to find myself. I felt so lost when I left for college," she tried to make the Latina understand. "I'm surprised that you of all people would do that. But you'll find a way, you know that right? I mean, you're Santana and Brittany. You'll always find a way."

"You could have just told me that instead of ignoring everyone. How did you even know where I live?"

"Brittany…that was the reason I called her," the blonde answered timidly.

"Why didn't you call me instead?"

Looking at her friend, Quinn raised her eyebrow. "Seriously? You know how that would have ended."

"Yeah, sorry," the Latina answered scowling. "But let's cut that crap. Why are you really here, Q? What are you doing in New York on your own?"

**So, a little Brittana thrown into the mix. Tell me if you liked it. Next chapter will give more information as to what happened after Rachel's confession.**


	3. Tonight your memory burns like fire

_"But let's cut that crap. Why are you really here, Q? What are you doing in New York on your own?"_

Quinn knew she would have to explain herself at some point. She was just hoping that it wouldn't be this early. Slowly, she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, simultaneously burying her face in her hands for a few seconds. When she reemerged, she sighed tiredly before turning her face towards Santana.

"Where do I even begin?"

"Well, maybe start out simple and we can go from there?!"

Quinn fidgeted, hiding her hands underneath her thighs. This situation reminded her way too much of the talk that she had with her mother a while ago when she went home for Thanksgiving.

"I'm here for absolution, forgiveness maybe. Is that simple enough for you?"

She knew it wouldn't be that easy, still she hoped that Santana would either have a sixth sense, knowing what she meant or simply not care at all.

Of course the ex-cheerleader wasn't that lucky.

"That's not simple. That's plain weird! God, Yale is making you even more peculiar. I mean you've always been nerdy but this is just…bizarre."

Santana seemed slightly irritated by the lack of information coming from her former leader but more than anything else she was intrigued. She has known Quinn long enough to understand that a hesitant display of information from the blonde meant that she was hiding something big. The Latina had an idea what this big something might be but she wouldn't make it that easy for her friend. She would make her squirm herself out of this. She needed at least a little payback for months of being ignored by the blonde.

"So, what do you mean you're here for absolution?"

Quinn recognized the glint in the brunette's eyes. She had been at the receiving end of it way too often in high school to not see it. This was her punishment. She knew this talk would be hell for her.

"I've made some mistakes...one very bad one in particular and I need to make things right," the blonde answered dejectedly.

"I have a feeling that this is not about our friendship even if I feel like you do have some amends to make here as well. You're definitely paying for take out later, just so we're clear," Santana tried to lighten the mood a little.

Quinn smiled at her old friend thankfully, wondering why it took them so long to lay down their rivalry.

"I'm here for Rachel," the blonde confesses softly after a few minutes of comfortable silence, looking at the carpeted floor, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

"I know," Santana says just as gently. "I know," she repeated, feeling the need to clarify it.

And Quinn was more than surprised that at least for now the Latina did not ask any more questions.

"So, Italian?"

"Definitely! I hope you brought _lots_ of money because I'm gonna eat you outta house and home!"

"S, this is your apartment," Quinn quipped.

"Smartass, you know what I meant," the Latina said, rolling her eyes good naturedly at her friend.

xxxxxxxxxx

_I can usually drink you right off of my mind  
But I miss you tonight  
I can normally push you right out of my heart  
But I'm too tired to fight*_

It wasn't unusual for Kurt to hear his best friend's voice echoing through the whole apartment. It really wasn't. Normally she even urged him on to join her. Something about keeping his voice trained for when he reapplies for NYADA. This was different though. The pain in her voice was unmistakable and it killed him to hear it again.

_Tonight your memory burns like a fire…_

It broke his heart when he heard her voice crack at the end of the sentence and the song coming from her stereo continued without her voice drowning it out.

Silently, tears fell from Rachel's eyes while she sat in front of her bed. She was trying to stay angry. She was trying so hard, knowing exactly that as soon as the anger would die down, the hurt and pain would hit her full force. She tried to fight it. She didn't want to go down that road again. She didn't need another walk down memory lane any time soon.

"_Quinn, I'm in love with you."_

_The blonde froze. Not a word was said and every second that past in silence felt like a hammer crashing every last bit of hope that Rachel Berry had left. The look of horror on Quinn's face wasn't helping either. The blonde didn't even look at her. She just stared past her at the wall - not moving an inch, not making a sound, not even blinking. The only reason why Rachel was sure that her friend was in fact still alive was the rapid rise and fall of her chest. _

"_Quinn?" It was only a whisper and she wasn't sure if the former cheerleader had even heard her, seeing as she still showed no reaction at all. "Qu-"_

"_You…" Quinn still didn't look at her. Rachel wasn't even sure if she had actually said something or if she was starting to imagine things. She saw the taller girl slowly shake her head as if to free herself from the trance she was in, her blonde hair swirling around her face. "You what?"_

_This time the brunette was sure that the words had actually left Quinn's lips. _

"_I said I'm in-"_

"_Don't…" the blonde seemed so extremely out of her element that it shocked Rachel. She had never seen her like this. She was usually collected and carried herself well no matter what the situation might be but this was unlike anything she had ever seen concerning Quinn. When she was pregnant she cried but that was because of the hormones. Quinn was one to always be in control of the situation at hand. But in this moment she seemed more than lost. "Please, don't Rachel," the blonde said quietly, seemingly one step away from breaking down. _

"_Quinn, are you-"_

_Again her friend simply cut her off. "I can't do this, Rachel. I'm sorry." And with that the hazel eyed girl turned on her heels and left the bathroom without a glance back, leaving behind a miserable Rachel Berry, who frantically typed away at her cell phone. _

_- S.O.S. girl's bathroom, second floor_

Kurt remembered that day as if it were yesterday. He remembered that text message. The sight when he entered the bathroom forever etched in his mind.

_I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back  
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming  
Come wake me up*_

__**The song used is "Come Wake Me Up" by Rascal Flatts. I hope you like the new chapter. Let me know what you think!  
**


	4. Sleepless nights

_I decided I could be happy on my own  
Find a way to get it done when I needed to be strong  
Always choosing safely, I was going it alone  
Never taking chances just in case I might be wrong*_

* * *

She lay on Santana's couch trying her hardest to shut up her thoughts and get at least some sleep. Staring at the ceiling she wondered how things turned out this way. How is it that Quinn Fabray never chooses the right thing? How is it that, whenever she thinks she's protecting herself and going the safe way, she always ends up hurting herself along the way and feeling as if the safe choice hurt even more than a bad turn out of the risky choice?

She heard wise people telling her that it was _better to have loved and lost_ _than never to have loved at all._ Who came up with this shit anyway? Seriously, how can hurt be better than the feeling of something missing all together? Maybe, if you're lucky enough, you might not even realize that there is something missing, right? Right?

Realizing that she wouldn't get any sleep anytime soon, Quinn got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator and looking at the ingredients for a while before simply taking a bottle of water and settling down at the kitchen counter.

A few minutes later, the blonde heard footsteps come closer, followed by an angry grumble of "seems like I'm not the only one experiencing a sleepless night, then" as the Latina moved past her and took a container of milk out of the refrigerator, putting it into a glass before bringing it to her mouth and sipping it slowly, her back to the former cheerleader.

Nothing was said for a few minutes before Santana couldn't take the silence any longer. She turned around to look at the blonde who was obviously lost in her own world of thoughts. Still, the brunette couldn't stop herself. There was one question that she asked herself over and over again and she was itching for an answer.

"Why did you do it?" The words were simple but still head on.

The blonde was caught off guard. Confused she looked at her friend, her forehead creased, eyebrows pulled together. "What?" She thought she might have missed something, realizing that she had zoned out for a while.

"Why did you do it?" The Latina repeated without taking dark brown eyes away from the blonde sitting in front of her.

"I don't think I can follow you, S. Why did I do what?"

"Why did you reject her when you knew that you were in love with her?"

"I-" Quinn felt lost, her expression one of a deer caught in the headlights, fear written in bold letters across her face. "I had to," she whispered finally.

The brunette didn't miss the distraught expression of the girl sitting in front of her. She looked so scared, so little and it broke Santana's heart to see the obvious struggle in her childhood friend. "Why?" It wasn't demanding and, seeing the blonde staring at the ground with the same expression still lingering on her face, she wasn't even sure if she had heard her.

_As soon as the bathroom door behind her closed and she stood in the middle of an empty hallway, Quinn ran towards the exit, taking the steps to the ground floor two at a time. She needed out. She needed out _right now_. Why did she have to do this? Why did she have to tell her that? _

_Before she knew it, tears were running down her face, while she ran through the double doors of the school entrance, stepping on the parking lot and making a mad dash for her car. Upon reaching it, she opened the car door and slammed it shut after sitting in the driver's seat. She put her forehead to the steering wheel, letting the tears flow freely. _

_The scene felt like déjà vu, the only things missing were the deafening sound of rain pattering down on her car and the creepy woman sitting next to her. Still, the feeling itself was the same: alone, lost and for lack of a better word shattered. She felt as if she just hit rock bottom all over again. _

"Q?" The blonde had zoned out again, a lone tear running down her left cheek and Santana stood right in front of her, looking at her friend with concern. She touched her hand to the blonde's shoulder carefully, not wanting to startle her, and that seemed to do the trick. Quinn looked up at her, regret shining in those hazel eyes.

"I needed to be safe," the blonde said more to herself than to her friend.

"Safe from what," the brunette said softly, sitting down on the stool next to the blonde.

"The pain," she answered matter-of-factly as if it was plain obvious.

And suddenly the Latina could see it. She felt all of it wash over herself. Images of Quinn throughout high school flashed in front of her eyes. The urge to be perfect to fit in at home, the perfect boyfriend, the lack of emotions, infidelity, pregnancy, homelessness, forced maturity, rejection, loneliness, obsession and the accident, good lord, the accident… She could see it all and she was shocked that she hadn't seen it before, shocked that she hadn't done anything, shocked that she hadn't stopped it. The enormous changes that the blonde went through in senior year, her newfound drive in the end. "You were protecting what you had just rebuilt yourself," she stated more than asked.

"Yes," the blonde whispered ashamed.

"What changed?"

"Everything," the blonde stated. "I missed her constantly, I felt more alone than ever, more alone than I had felt during Nationals in New York. Even kissing Puck didn't change that."

"You kissed Puck?" Now that was new information. When did that happen? And how could she miss it?

"Yes, right before the exam that he neededto pass to graduate. I tutored him the night before and he needed some motivation. I don't know how to motivate people, so I just kissed him. It worked, I guess." The blonde's voice was void of any emotion.

"Wow, I didn't expect that."

"Me neither," the blonde sighed out.

They fell silent again both gazing intently at the drinks in their hands lost in their own thoughts until the blonde once more spoke up quietly.

"Do you believe in true love, S?"

* * *

_But I'm feeling a longing inside me  
And I'm taking a road I've never seen_

_Closer to you_  
_Closer to you_  
_Further from me_

_Closer to you*_

**So much for now. What do you think? Leave your thoughts ;)  
**

**The song used is "Closer to you" by Jaylene Johnson.  
**


	5. The Frog Princess

"_Open the door, my princess dear;  
Open the door to thy true love here!"_

_- 'The Frog Prince' by Brothers Grimm –_

* * *

_"Do you believe in true love, S?"_

It was silent for a long time and Quinn was quite sure that she would not get an answer to her question when she heard a silent but confident "I do" coming from the Latina sitting next to her.

"What makes you so sure?" Quinn was startled at her own voice. She seemed desperate; desperate for an answer, an answer that would help her get to her own happy ending.

"Let me show you something," the brunette said and stood up, walking slowly towards her open bedroom. She turned on the switch and went to a cupboard. Without checking for the blonde's presence, she pulled out a box and sat down on her bed.

Silently, Quinn took in the room, pictures of the Cheerios, the Unholy Trinity and the Glee club attracting her attention. On the cupboard and the nightstand there were only pictures of Brittany and Santana though and the blonde couldn't help but smile sadly at how happy her friends look in every single one of them.

After eyeing the room, Quinn sat down next to her friend and looked at the box sitting in her lap. Patiently, Quinn waited for the brunette to start, slightly uncomfortable but still not wanting to push her friend.

"When Britt and I first started dating at the end of junior year, she started this little ritual. Once a month she would give something to me; a gift. Most of the things were simple, nothing expensive or anything but all of them had meaning to them and I kept every single one," she said while opening the box slowly, never taking her eyes off of it.

Upon opening the box, Quinn was amazed at the amount of little objects that it held. There were so many things. From concert tickets to train passes; from pictures to postcards. The box was full of sentiment and Quinn could feel the love pouring from it just by looking at it.

"This month I got a card. She didn't break the tradition even though I broke up with her right before," Santana said, clearly fighting the urge to cry. Carefully, she took the card and handed it to the blonde next to her.

Quinn regarded it cautiously. The front showed a picture from a fairy tale based on a story by the Brothers Grimm: The Frog Prince. She opened it and read the handwritten text, unmistakably written by the blonde:

_They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince. That's not always true though. I had to kiss the same frog a thousand times to find my princess and now that I did find her, I am not willing to let her go. I will never let go. I love you, Santana!_

_Always yours, _

_Brittany S. Pierce_

Quinn stared at the words and felt as if she was invading her friend's privacy by reading it. This was clearly not meant for her eyes to see.

"Tell me now, how can I not believe in true love, Quinn?"

"This doesn't make sense at all Santana. How could you leave her?" Quinn was utterly confused. She thought of herself as stupid for letting Rachel go without telling her how she felt but this, this was just ridiculous.

"If it's meant to be, it will be, Q. Trust me." And with that sentence the blonde knew that her friend was not only talking about her and Brittany.

Looking at the box again, Quinn suddenly noticed something. "What's with the whole frog thing anyway?"

"The Frog Prince? It's Britt's favorite fairytale," the Latina simply answered, looking at the different contents of the box in her lap while gripping the frog necklace around her neck: the movie tickets of "The Princess and the Frog", the stuffed frog, Barbie dressed as a princess. And just like that, she fell in love with the blonde all over again.

"Look at this, Santana the Bitch Lopez getting all romantic and sappy. I didn't think I'd ever see that happen," Quinn said, nudging her friend's shoulder gently. "I'm really proud of you, S. You've come a long way."

After looking at her childhood friend for a few seconds, taking in the sincerity of her words, she closed the box and stood up. "Don't get used to it, Tubbers," the Latina joked lightheartedly, smiling at the blonde. "By the way, we're going for a run tomorrow morning. You can't get your lady back with those ugly stretch marks," the Latina continued mocking her.

"I don't have stretch marks Santana," the blonde tried to defend herself.

"Sure, Q. You're just scared that you won't be able to keep up with me," she said, a big smirk plastered on her face. "Come on, let's make some breakfast and then we can discuss your game plan for the mission."

xxxxxxxxxx

"Stop!" came a loud cry through the studio. "This is unacceptable! Seriously, I never even thought it was possible for you to get any worse. You just really lack talent, Schwimmer," her dance teacher screamed at her for the whole class to hear. Normally, Rachel wouldn't care at all. Normally, she would keep her head high, smile and try again and again and again. Normally, she wouldn't care what Ms July spat at her. Today was different though. Today, the woman mocking her was right. "I'm sorry," the brunette said it seemed for the millionth time that day. "You're sorry? Sorry doesn't make it better. Sorry doesn't change the fact that you suck!" She wanted to shout back at her, stand up for herself, tell her that she was wrong, that she would make it no matter what, but she couldn't. So, the diva did something that she didn't even know she was capable of. She surrendered. She took her things and left the room, only vaguely hearing her teacher screaming after her angrily.

This had to stop. Rachel needed it to stop. Ever since Quinn had turned up in New York two days ago, she had been a complete mess. She couldn't concentrate on any of her classes, she couldn't think of anything else but the hazel eyed girl that seemed to have turned up out of nowhere. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to be mad but right now she was just really worried about the blonde. New York can be really nasty if you don't know your way around. She shouldn't have just left.

When Rachel arrived at her apartment, she was still early. She had ditched her last class as well and even though she chose to walk home instead of taking the bus, she was still quite early. Slowly she walked up the stairs and opened the large door, heading towards her room right away.

"Rachel?"

Busted.

"You're home early. Is everything alright?"

"Yes, Ms Matthews let us leave early today," she said putting on her fake stage smile, hoping her best friend wouldn't see through it.

"That was pathetic," Kurt simply said. "Try again," he continued, raising an eyebrow in challenge.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said dejectedly, turning around and heading for her bedroom again.

"She's fine Rachel," he said, making her stop in her tracks in the doorway to her room.

"You don't know that," she told him without turning around, surprised that he could read her that easily. "Anyway, who said this was about Quinn?"

"Really Rachel?" Again that raised eyebrow. Rachel hated it when he did that. She hated it. "And actually I do know. She's with Santana," he said carefully, trying to gauge her reaction. But she didn't say anything. She just took the last step into the confines of her room and slammed the door shut.

"Now that went well," Kurt grumbled when he went back into the kitchen to prepare their dinner.

* * *

"_You," said the prince, "have broken his cruel charm, and now I have nothing to wish for but that you should go with me into my father's kingdom, where I will marry you, and love you as long as you live."_

_- 'The Frog Prince' by Brothers Grimm –_

**I'm really sorry for the wai****t. This took forever and I'm still not too happy with it. Reviews are highly appreciated. Let me know what you think!**_  
_


	6. Obsessions

"_But often life asks much of you, and you either honor life by answering with all your heart, or you cower your way into your grave."_

_- __James Clemens__, __Hinterland__ –_

* * *

They ate their breakfast in complete silence, Quinn barely touching her cornflakes while Santana fed herself toast as if she hadn't eaten in days. After finishing, Santana looked up to see that Quinn was in fact not eating and furrowed her brows at her friend.

"You okay, Q?"

Startled, the blonde looked up. "Huh? Oh yeah sure," she answered, returning her gaze to her food briefly before looking back up and meeting questioning brown eyes. "I need to get ready. I have a few things to do," she rushed out, standing up and walking towards the couch in the living room after putting her unfinished bowl of cornflakes in the sink.

"When will you be back?"

"Don't know yet," the blonde answered shortly before disappearing into the bathroom quickly.

"I thought we could ta-" but the Latina was cut off by the bathroom door closing and keeping her words out.

xxxxxxxxxx

Quinn came back at around 10pm that day and after a quick shower settled down on the couch for sleep right away.

"Not so fast, Fabray! Where the hell have you been all day?" The Latina marched out of her bedroom as if on a mission. She wanted information and she wanted it now.

"Not right now, S," the former cheerleader sighed. "Can we just talk about this tomorrow? Please," the blonde begged.

The Latina scrutinized her friend, trying to find out something, anything, but all she could see was a very tired Quinn, ready to fall asleep while still talking to her. "Alright. Don't forget, tomorrow morning we're going for a run. 7am sharp!" And with that the brunette turned around and went to bed herself.

xxxxxxxxxx

Quinn was not a person to over-analyze heavy issues. She managed to suppress the loss of her child for almost a year by focusing on less important things like prom queen. Not just focusing but actually obsessing.

Obsession was something that came easily to Quinn Fabray, so when she hit rock bottom at the end of junior year, when she realized that displacing the hurt won't make it vanish, she needed a new obsession; smoking, drinking, a new style. Of course she noticed that she was on a downward spiral, she just didn't care. So when Shelby showed up and the pain came to the surface again, came back ten times worse, she did what she did best. She blocked out the sorrow that filled her entire existence and found a new obsession: getting Beth back. It didn't matter how, just the result mattered. It was all that mattered.

When she saw that car nearing her own she thought she'd see her life flashing before her eyes or something equally clichéd. She waited to feel all her regrets pour through her body; how she will never be a part of her daughter's life, how she never told Rachel that she was in love with her, how she wouldn't go to Yale after all. But none of it happened. She was Quinn Fabray after all. She simply closed her eyes and the only regret she had was not being there to stop Rachel from marrying Finn Hudson.

After waking up in the hospital and finding out about her condition and Rachel's wedding, the only thing she wanted was to see her. She wanted to have her at her bedside, holding her hand and speaking words of reassurance. She wanted to tell her what she felt, she wanted to change her life, she wanted to be a good person, a good person for Rachel. She wanted to hear Rachel tell her that everything would be fine but the diva never turned up. She didn't visit at all. Even Finn came by but Rachel never did. Not even once.

That day Quinn found herself a new obsession: Getting back on her feet. She wanted to dance when they went for Nationals in Chicago. She wanted to prove to everyone that Quinn Fabray was a fighter, no matter what. And she did.

She was a Fabray. She was a fighter, a leader and a master when it came to wearing masks and pushing feelings aside. She didn't do weakness, not even in a stupid wheelchair.

But without realizing it, her accident changed her. It changed her view on life, it changed her view on friendship, it changed everything and she didn't even see it.

Looking back at high school, Quinn realized a lot of things and it made her doubt if she should even try to find her absolution because after all Rachel Berry could just be one more addition to her list, one more obsession, one more reason to repress all the hurt that threatens to spill over every minute of every day.

She checked her cell and after realizing that yet again she lay awake for half of the night, she got up and got dressed for her run with Santana.

xxxxxxxxxx

"You ready, Q?" Santana came out of her bathroom only now realizing that the blonde cheerleader was sitting on the couch, dressed and ready for their run.

"Is everything alright?" The Latina looked at her friend who wore an expression that could only ever be labeled as lost.

Blinking a few times, trying to push away the confusion, Quinn gave the brunette a halfhearted smile. "Sure, let's go." And even though she tried, even Quinn knew that her fake enthusiasm couldn't fool anyone.

They were halfway through their run and of course the blonde easily lead the way through the park, leaving the Latina behind effortlessly. Santana knew she would lose. Quinn was always the fastest even when they were still Cheerios. But then the brunette saw her friend stumble for no reason and took the opportunity to pass her. When she looked back, she realized that instead of recovering and sprinting after her, the blonde had stopped completely, leaning against a tree heavily.

For a second she pondered if it was just a trick, one more Fabray mind game but seeing the former head cheerleader in this – almost vulnerable – state, she quickly made her way back to where her friend has stopped and bit the inside of her cheek in order to not make a rude comment about her losing her stamina.

"Quinn, is everything alright?" She carefully laid a hand on her shoulder, worry written all over her face. When she didn't get an answer, she slowly crouched down, trying to get a better look at the blonde's face. She saw her clenched jaw, her gritted teeth, the silent tears drawing lines down her cheek.

"Just give me a second," Quinn said, her voice low and sullen, void of any emotion contrary to what her face portrayed.

Santana knew better than to say anything. She knew the wall around the blonde too well to say anything. Right now she was inapproachable, completely remote.

After 5 minutes, Quinn straightened herself and walked back in the direction of Santana's apartment with a small limp, not saying one word during the entire walk home and heading straight to the kitchen after arriving.

When the Latina stepped out of the bathroom, Quinn had already finished with breakfast and as soon as she saw the brunette struggling to find words, she made her way to the bathroom.

"I have to take a shower. I need to do some things." And with that she disappeared and just like the day before didn't come back until late.

Just when Quinn wanted to leave the apartment the next morning, Santana came out of her room.

"I hope you brought some fancy dresses, Fabray. We're going out tonight! If you didn't bring anything, buy something while you're out," the Latina told her all the while challenging her to say no.

But the blonde didn't even try to put up a fight. It seemed like the only thing that mattered to her was leaving the apartment as fast as possible. Whoever this person in front of her was, it was not the Quinn Fabray she knew from high school. "I'll see if I can find something. Where are we going?"

"Callbacks! 8pm! Buy something nice and don't be late!"

"Sure," she simply stated before turning around and leaving for the day.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Rachel, you need to get dressed or we'll be late!"

The brunette came out of her room in yoga pants and an old school shirt on, looking as confused as ever. "Late for what?"

"Callbacks! Did you forget? It's Thursday. We always go to Callbacks on Thursday," Kurt said, pouting a little to make sure Rachel didn't back out.

"Can't we just leave out one week, Kurt? Please! We'll go next Thursday," the brunette tried, her eyes pleading with her best friend to understand.

For a second it seemed like Kurt was actually thinking about his answer before he walked past Rachel to her closet and threw a simple "no" over his shoulder before he started digging through Rachel's clothes to find something for her to wear.

**Oh, coincidence? Next chapter: CALLBACKS! I loved that bar and just needed to include it ;) Let me know if you liked this new chapter ;)**


	7. Mind your own business!

Santana came out of her bedroom when she saw Quinn leave the bathroom in a black dress that reminded her a lot of the one she wore when she sang "Never can say goodbye" and her short golden locks framing her pale face. She had to admit that her friend looked amazing.

"Is this okay? I wasn't sure what exactly you had in mind," the blonde said, looking at herself a little self-consciously.

Santana shook her head a little at her friend. "Don't worry Fabray, it's perfect," she said knowing that anyone would agree with her that the blonde looked absolutely gorgeous.

"You look nice too, Satan," the blonde said, smiling at her friend dressed in a short red dress that hugged her every curve.

"Careful, Grace! Don't forget who you're talking to," the brunette told her, winking at her playfully.

They left the apartment and called for a cab. The closer they got to Callbacks, the more nervous Santana felt. Somehow she wasn't sure if this was the right way to go about things. She had arranged things with Kurt over the phone and at that time the male diva's plan had sounded absolutely perfect; bringing them back together with what combined them most: music. But now, sitting in the back of the cab with her blonde companion who was positively oblivious about what would be thrown at her in a few minutes, she felt a little sick.

Arriving at Callbacks they entered and Santana recognized Brody singing on stage right away in another attempt at wooing Rachel.

_Would you look at her  
She looks at me  
She's got me thinking about her constantly  
But she don't know how I feel  
And as she carries on without a doubt  
I wonder if she's figured out  
I'm crazy for this girl*_

This was by far not the first time he had tried and Santana was starting to worry if at some point Rachel might just give in and give it a try. Kurt had filled her in on everything that went on in detail over coffee a few days ago (with pictures) and how Brody had helped Rachel find her place at NYADA and eventually New York as well. Sure, he seemed nice and handsome. Still, there was no way Santana could let that happen when she knew that Quinn was finally ready to deal with all her fears and insecurities, when she was finally able to be herself. Quinn deserved another chance, right? After everything she had been through, she at least deserved a shot at proving herself to Rachel.

"A karaoke bar? Really, S?" The blonde said teasingly, still slightly surprised at her friend's choice of location for having a girl's night out.

"What? Oh yeah sure," the Latina said, looking around nervously in order to spot Kurt and Rachel before the curiously exploring blonde found them and she did. She waved at them and just as Rachel raised her hand to wave back, a bright smile on her face, the diva's eyes focused past her and the smile vanished quickly, her hand slowly falling back to her side.

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Rachel knew from Kurt that Santana moved to New York recently and that they were supposed to see her tonight. She surprised herself by feeling excited at the thought of seeing her former tormentor and Glee club co member. A lot had changed in senior year and Rachel was happy to leave the past behind. She had always been a forgiving person after all.

Spotting the Latina, she happily lifted her hand in order to wave back at her 'friend', a huge smile plastered on her face. Her hand in midair, she noticed blonde hair right behind the brunette and felt her smile fade away, slowly lowering her hand back down and clenching her jaw. She truly looked amazing, like the ghost of Grace Kelly. She really understood why people referred to her that way. For a second she felt herself melting at the sight of Quinn but then her eyes hardened again.

"Did you know about this?" she gritted through her teeth.

"Rachel, I-"

"It's a simple yes or no question, Kurt. Did. You. Know. About. This?" The diva seethed at him without turning around, waiting for the blonde to notice her across the room, seeing as the Latina had stopped walking further into the room in front of the former cheerleader.

"Yes," Kurt admitted defeated. "It was my idea, to be honest," he continued explaining himself. "Just talk to her Rachel."

The moment her eyes locked with the blonde's hazel ones, she turned towards her best friend. "Mind your own business, would you?" With that said, she walked towards the stage with determination, knowing the blonde had seen her. Walking behind the stage, she headed off Brody, giving him a half-hearted smile and talking to him about her song choice, asking him to accompany her with his guitar.

Rachel took the microphone from the stage and breathed in one last time before nodding at Brody to start.

_I remember when we broke up the first time  
Saying this is it, I've had enough, 'cause like  
We haven't seen each other in a month  
When you said you needed space, what?_

_Then you come around again and say  
Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change  
Trust me, remember how that lasted for a day  
I say, I hate you, we break up, you call me, I love you**_

Rachel was aware that her song choice wasn't completely suitable for their situation seeing as Quinn and her had never been an item but she did think that it fit their friendship, if you could even call what they had a friendship. She'd always liked to think of Quinn as a friend but whenever it seemed that they might actually be friends, the blonde made sure to point out that they clearly weren't.

Slowly, Rachel walked around Brody and the stool he sat on, playing the guitar, her eyes never leaving the blonde ex cheerleader on the other end of the room. Flipping her hair over her right shoulder, she leaned down and continued singing right next to Brody's ear, making him smile at the action.

_We called it off again last night  
But this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you  
We are never ever ever ever getting back together  
We are never ever ever ever getting back together  
You go talk to your friends,  
talk to my friends, talk to me  
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together  
Like ever**_

She had tried. Over and over again, she had tried to be Quinn's friend. She had forgiven her for everything she had done. She had forgiven her every damn time and yet it only took one mistake on her end to end their friendship.

_I'm really gonna miss you picking fights  
And me, falling for a screaming that I'm right  
And you, will hide away and find your piece of mind  
With some indie record that's much cooler than mine**_

For months she had waited. She had waited for the blonde to call her, text her, email her, write her a letter; anything really, it didn't matter. She just wanted to hear from her. She just wanted to know that admitting her feelings would not end what had taken them so long to build. She just wanted to know that they could still be friends.

_You called me up again tonight  
But this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you  
We are never ever ever ever getting back together  
We are never ever ever ever getting back together  
You go talk to your friends,  
Talk to my friends, talk to me  
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together**_

She thought that after everything they had been through together, they had bonded. She thought that there was something connecting them but obviously she was wrong. She had tricked herself into thinking that what they had was real. Rachel Berry had trusted and made a fool of herself…again.

_I used to think, that we were forever ever  
And I used to say never say never  
Huh, he calls me up and he's like, I still love you  
And I'm like, I'm just, I mean this is exhausting, you know  
We are never getting back together, like ever**_

When she locked eyes with the blonde again, she saw her nod slightly and turn around to quickly leave the bar, followed by Santana running after her. This was what she wanted, right? It was, but seeing her leave still hurt.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Quinn wait," the Latina tried again, still following her friend. "I'm sorry, okay? Quinn!" When she finally got close enough, she grabbed the blonde's arm and turned her around. "Would you just listen to me?"

"Leave me alone, will you?" Santana had never seen her that mad. She had been angry a lot, especially during her pregnancy, but she had never seen her so furious and still at the edge of breaking down.

"Quinn, just hear me out, please. Kurt and I just thought the two of you might need a little push, so that you could-"

"So that we could what, Santana? Walk off hand in hand towards the sunset? Are you stupid? This is not how things work, okay? It's going to take more than a barely there 'I'm sorry' for her to forgive me this time. But, I guess I can just stop trying now anyway," the blonde finished, turning to continue walking along the street.

"Quinn, we just thought that you could use some help since you probably have to be back at Yale soon," Santana tried, desperate for her friend to see that she had only meant well. She saw the blonde stop but not turn around.

"If you had bothered to talk to me about this, you would know that I'm not even going back to Yale," Quinn replied before leaving the Latina in the middle of the street.

* * *

**YAY! Update! I know, I took forever. I'm sorry but uni has been crazy lately. But then I heard the song and inspiration hit me. It totally made me think of Rachel singing "Gives you hell" and "Go your own way"! :) So, I hope that this was worth the wait. Just hit the button below and let me know ;) **

***Evan and Jaron – Crazy for this girl**

****Taylor Swift – We are never getting back together**


	8. Loneliness

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."

- Orson Welles -

* * *

_"If you had bothered to talk to me about this, you would know that I'm not even going back to Yale," Quinn replied before leaving the Latina in the middle of the street._

Not going back to Yale? What did that mean? Santana felt at a loss as she watched her friend walk away and turn the next corner.

This had to be a joke. All Quinn had wanted when she finally came to her senses in senior year was Yale. She was obsessed with the thought of making it to an Ivy League college and she even got in on early admissions. In their circle before Regionals she told everyone that she wanted to graduate Yale at the top of her class, that that was what she was looking forward to in her future. Why would she leave? Was she kicked out? No, something like that wouldn't happen to Quinn Fabray. She had always known how to get herself out of trouble.

After a few minutes, she made her way back inside and walked over to Kurt and Rachel's table, directing a small smile at Kurt when she got there.

"Hey," she greeted him not looking at Rachel the whole time.

"Hi San," Kurt replied and got up to give her a short hug definitely sensing the tension in the air.

"Hey Santana, it's nice to see you again," Rachel tried, also standing up although she could clearly see that the Latina was fuming inside.

"I'm sorry but I don't think I can say the same," she answered coldly, still not sparing her a glance.

"Where's Quinn?" Kurt hadn't seen her reentering the bar. Maybe she was waiting outside.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I don't know because she left and didn't tell me where she'd go," the Latina gritted through her teeth, trying desperately to control her anger.

"Any you just let her leave alone? She doesn't know her way around and it's almost 11," Rachel dared to speak up looking concerned.

"And whose fault is that, huh?"

"Santana, please!"

"Really, Kurt? Really?" The Latina gave him a look that told him to shut up.

"I did not mean for her to wander around New York alone, Santana. That was not my intention!"

"What was your intention then, Rachel? Hurting her? Well, you did an awesome job. Bravo, Rachel. Bravo! Please applaud the Rachel Berry Show!"

"She hurt me too, okay? I have every right to be angry, Santana!"

"Well, I hope you're happy now," Santana said bitterly, turning around to face Kurt again. "I'm gonna go home. Let's just hope she went back to my apartment."

"Alright, let me know once you found her," Kurt told the brunette.

Before leaving, Santana turned to Rachel once more. "Just so you know, if anything happens to her, I'm gonna go all Lima Heights on your tiny little Broadway ass!"

xxxxxxxxxx

Exhausted Santana arrived at her apartment having walked home all the way in hopes of finding Quinn wandering around the streets. She had called the blonde at least a dozen times during her walk home but every single call went straight to her mailbox.

When she opened the door, she was greeted with nothing but darkness. Turning on the lights to her living room, she noticed that all of Quinn's things were still there. At least she hadn't taken off…yet. Sitting down on her couch, she put her face in her hands, her elbows resting on her knees. She was worried sick about her best friend.

She looked around frantically, trying to think of anything that she could do. When her eyes fell on Quinn's bag, she noticed two letters on top of her clothes. After contemplating for a few seconds, curiosity got the best of her and she went over to the bag to take a look at the letters, shocked to find the stamps of NYU and Columbia on top of the letters.

xxxxxxxxxx

Loneliness was something Quinn had gotten to know throughout her life. As a child when all her parents saw was her perfect older sister, in middle school when no one wanted to be around her because they thought she was ugly, in high school when the only reason they did want to be around her was for her looks and status, and now when she realized that not only had she lost a friend and a potential partner in Rachel but also in a way her best friend because no matter what she wanted to tell herself, things between her and Santana were not the same and maybe they never would be.

Slowly walking along the street, Quinn knew that she didn't want to return to Santana's apartment anytime soon. Not that she had any idea as to where she would have to walk to get there. She'd just have to call a cab later or something.

She walked a few more blocks before settling for a bar at the corner of a rather crowded street, sitting down in a booth at the far corner. When the barkeeper, a young well build guy, made his way over and gave her a lopsided grin, she sighed quietly to herself. _And here we go._

"Hey there, beautiful! What can I get you?"

"Whiskey," she said, turning her head to look towards the windows. Just as the barkeeper was about to turn around, she stopped him. "Actually, make it a double, would you?" She had always hated how her parents turned to alcohol whenever things didn't go their way. It was ironic but at the end of the day she was no better than them. She was a Fabray. She did not do feelings, she drowned feelings. She did not feel pain, she numbed pain. It was in her blood. She was a Fabray.

The bartender didn't fail to notice the lack of emotion displayed in her voice and on her face. He rarely met girls like that. Still, he was intrigued by that and it definitely didn't hurt that the blonde was extremely hot. He mixed her drink and made his way back to Quinn, happy that it was a rather slow night.

He placed the drink down in front of her and waited for her to look up at him or acknowledge him in any way. When she didn't, he cleared his throat and spoke up. "There you go. Can I get you anything else?"

"No, thank you," the blonde answered without looking at him.

"May I ask something," the young man tried once more, not willing to give up yet.

"Sure, go ahead," Quinn replied before grabbing her glass and gulping down half of it in one go.

"Why are you here?"

"Excuse me?"

"What are you doing here? Normally, beautiful girls like you don't come into bars all dressed up on their own just to have a drink. Trust me, I've been working here long enough to know that," he added, trying to lighten the mood a little.

"I guess I'm not normal then," she said humorless, downing the rest of her drink.

When he stood up and walked to the bar, Quinn slowly relaxed, letting her shoulders go limp, glad that he gave up. She was a little surprised though, when the glass in front of her was filled up again and the bottle was sat down on the table. Looking up, she found the barkeeper taking a seat in front of her at her table.

"I thought it might be easier this way," he explained, motioning to the bottle and her glass, smiling at her. "I'm Ryan," he continued, holding out his hand for her to shake. "And you are…?"

"Quinn," she filled in for him, shaking his hand.

"Well Quinn, what are you doing here all by yourself?"

"I don't know, to be honest. I just didn't know where else to go, I guess," she declared, while raising her glass to her lips and taking a sip.

"And why is that?"

"Well, I haven't been in New York long enough to have my own place and the only place I could go to, I don't want to be at right now." It was unusual for Quinn to actually talk to this guy but it was better than sitting there alone without anyone to talk to.

"That sucks," he said sympathetically."You could always go home with me after I close up," he continued straight to the point, finishing off with a flirtatious smile.

"Sorry Ryan, not playing for your team," she told him, quite amused when he looked at her completely shocked. It was refreshing to say it out loud.

He excused himself quickly to serve some other costumers and Quinn remained in her booth, drinking glass after glass of whiskey, enjoying the burning feeling at the back of her throat. It made her feel something that she hadn't felt in a really long time. It made her feel connected to her parents, especially her father. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing though. Probably not.

Between serving, Ryan would come over and talk to her some more and when he was ready to close up and she paid her rather large bill, she stood up and staggered slightly.

The bartender helped her out of the bar, closed up and called a cab for her, making sure she got in safely.

Once Quinn arrived at Santana's apartment, it was already after 3am and she tried her best to open the door quietly and not make too much noise while getting to the couch. When she turned on the light though, she was surprised to find the Latina sprawled on the couch, the two letters from her bag on the table in front of the couch.

Walking further into the room, she tripped over her own bag and bumped into the couch table, making the brunette on the couch stir and slowly wake up.

* * *

**I'm sorry for taking so long again. I haven't been feeling all too well for the last few days. As always, leave comments and let me know what you think. **

** Baconlover46: I'll see if I can use it. I'm sure I can find a way to include it at some point ;)  
**


	9. Mixed signals

_If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine  
If it had a home would it be my eyes?  
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this?  
Well here we go now one more time*_

* * *

"Quinn, is that you?" The Latina slowly opened her eyes, rubbing at them with her hands in order to get them to focus.

"Who else would it be? Are you expecting someone? Should I leave?" The blonde was irritated and her words were slurred. All she wanted was to curl up on the couch and fall asleep right on the spot. She just wanted to be alone, to not have to deal with any of her problems right now. She just wanted a time out.

"What? Are you okay, Q? Are you drunk?" The brunette looked at her friend closely, trying to figure out what she was dealing with.

"I'm not drunk, I just had a few drinks," the blonde waved off, slightly losing balance.

"Quinn, I haven't seen you like this in I don't even know how long. You're not the drinking type. You barely touch alcohol at all. What are you doing?"

"What's your problem? I'm just trying to follow in daddies footsteps. I guess the apple indeed doesn't fall far from the tree, huh?" She was trying her hardest to not slur.

"Sit down," the brunette all but ordered, all the while grabbing her cell and firing off a text to Kurt as promised.

"Oh, Auntie Tana is showing, huh? I'm way too wasted for your shit now. Just let me sleep it off and we can talk tomorrow," the blonde tried to talk herself out of it, desperately hoping to get some much needed sleep.

"Sit down, Quinn! Now! You have some explaining to do," Santana said through gritted teeth, trying to keep her temper in check.

"And I will, S, tomorrow. Now stop being a bitch and let me get some beauty sleep," Quinn tried again.

"Oh you mean in the morning, when you're already on your way out the door to who knows where? No fucking way. I wants some answers and I wants them now!"

"Okay, okay just stop with the screaming," the blonde answered in surrender, taking a seat next to her friend.

"What are these?" The Latina asked, as always straight to the point, while pointing at the letters on the table in front of her.

"I'm sure you read them, so you know what they are," Quinn replied, wanting this to be over as soon as possible.

"I did not read them. I've waited for you to come home and explain to me what's going on," the brunette said letting out a big sigh.

"They're letters from the universities I applied to. I'm transferring to New York," the former cheer leader said matter-of-factly.

"Why would you do that? You wanted Yale so much. You wanted the Ivy League college more than anything else. I just don't understand."

"Columbia is Ivy League too and NYU isn't that bad either," she said absolutely levelheaded.

"Well, what do the letters say?"

"I got into both. It's my decision to make," Quinn replied, feeling the alcohol leave her system and leaving her with the dark space that was left inside of her, just waiting to take over her senses again.

"Well, Columbia it is then, right? Wait, does Columbia have a drama program?"

"Actually, NYU would be more convenient and I applied for two majors; drama and journalism."

"Wow, and they would both let you do that?"

"Yes, I haven't kept straight A's for nothing, San," the blonde answered, rolling her eyes at her friend for doubting her.

"And all of this just for Rachel? I mean, okay no, that came off wrong. New Haven isn't that far away. Why move here without even knowing if she's gonna give you a chance?"

"Rachel was the final push. Sure, I would have moved here for her but not right away and not in the middle of the semester," Quinn explained further. "I'm here for medical reasons, actually."

"Ah, now that makes more- Wait, what? What do you mean, you're here for medical reasons and how the hell could you not tell me about any of this?"

"San, can we please do this after I got some sleep. Please?" Quinn hated begging, she hated it!

"Will you be gone when I wake up?"

"I have an appointment at 9am but I'll be back by 11, promise," the blonde answered, looking at her friend pleadingly.

"Alright," the Latina said, standing up and walking towards her bedroom. "Just know that I'd find you. You can't hide from Satan!"

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"Kurt! Kurt, wake up!" Rachel tried to wake up her friend.

Slowly stirring from sleep, realizing that he had fallen asleep on the couch, he looked up at an anxious Rachel. "What is it, Rachel?" He said, his voice still laced with sleep.

"You just got a message," she answered all the while holding out his phone in front of his face. "Open it!"

"Okay, okay, just relax. I'm sure everything's fine," he tried to no avail to calm his friend down. He took his phone and opened the message, reading it out loud.

"_She just came home and apart from pulling a Russel Fabray she seems to be fine. S_," he finished and placed his cell onto the table. "See, I told you, she'll be fine."

"Fine? Are you fucking kidding me, Kurt? She's drunk. She hasn't been drunk since her stupid punk phase. Quinn doesn't drink. She didn't even drink on our graduation. That is not what I call fine," the diva ranted and started pacing the living room.

"Well, we all know that a drunken Quinn is a pain in the ass, so I'm kind of glad she had stopped drinking," Kurt said, a little frown on his face, remembering the week of alcohol awareness in junior year high school.

"That's not the point, Kurt. We both know why she doesn't drink. Apart from the fact that it reminds her of her night with Puck, she would do anything to not be like her father. In senior year she told me that she considered changing her name, even though I think that was a little extreme," the brunette mused. "Anyway, one of her biggest fears is becoming her father. We all know that, even if she would never admit it out loud. So, don't tell me she is fine when she just came back to Santana's apartment totally shit faced," Rachel finished her rant.

"Are you done now? Can I go to bed?"

"Kurt, what am I supposed to do now? I need you to tell me what to do."

"Go to bed. You got your wish. You got your revenge," he said sighing and standing up. He headed towards his bedroom and turned around one last time. "I really don't know what else you were expecting to happen."

Dejected Rachel sat down on the couch burying her face in her hands.

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In the morning, after only a worthless amount of sleep, Rachel dragged herself into the café near campus to get some caffeine before starting class for the day. When she was about to take her place in the queue, she noticed a blonde woman at the front of the line turn around with coffee in hand.

"Quinn?" she tried to get her attention. Slowly stepping aside, she walked towards the blonde who obviously didn't get enough sleep either.

"Rachel?" The blonde put down her sun glasses and blinked against the light hitting her eyed way too hard. "I wasn't following you, I swear. I just needed a coffee. I'll just leave. I'm sorry," she said before walking past Rachel and leaving the café.

"Quinn wait," the brunette called out after realizing what was happening, stopping right in front of the blonde who had turned around upon hearing her call out. "I know that you didn't follow me. You were there before I entered, you know? So, that wouldn't really make sense," the brunette tried to lighten the mood slightly.

"Alright," the former cheerleader nodded and turned around again when she felt a hand on her wrist.

"Quinn, do you maybe want to sit down with me?"

To say that she was surprised was an understatement. She didn't understand what was going on. Yesterday she was told off without even being able to explain herself the second time and today Rachel invited her to have coffee with her? "You're sending me mixed signals, Rach. You know that, right?"

"I know. Look, I'm sorry for yesterday. Can we just sit down? Please? My class doesn't start until 9.30."

Remembering her appointment, Quinn checked the time on her watch to see it was almost 9am. "I can't now, Rachel. I have somewhere to be. Rain check?"

"Yes, sure. How about tomorrow? I don't have anything planned, except for workout in the morning."

"Sounds good. Is 11 okay? I still like sleeping in on Saturdays," the blonde replied, looking away shyly.

"Of course! I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Sure, I really need to go now though. Bye, Rach!"

When she saw Quinn turning around and running towards a building on the other side of the road, she couldn't help but be curious. When the blonde entered, she slowly walked towards the building and read the board next to the door.

_Dr. Jane Bennett, Ph.D., Psychologist_

Surprised, Rachel turned around and walked back towards the café to finally get her coffee. Obviously, Quinn and she had a lot to talk about the next day.

* * *

_'Cause I tried to climb your steps, __I tried to chase you down_  
_I tried to see how low I can get down to the ground_  
_I tried to earn my way, __I tried to tame this mind_  
_You better believe that I have tried to beat this*_

**Yay, update. Hit the button and tell me what you think about the new chapter ;) **

***Song used was "Sick Cycle Carousel" by Lifehouse, one of my favorite bands! Awesome song, give it a listen ;)  
**


	10. Pain

_"Pain is strange. A cat killing a bird, a car accident, a fire... Pain arrives, BANG, and there it is, it sits on you. It's real. And to anybody watching, you look foolish. Like you've suddenly become an idiot. There's no cure for it unless you know somebody who understands how you feel, and knows how to help."_

_– Charles Bukowski –_

* * *

Sitting in this way too comfortable armchair and speaking of her thoughts and feelings was not something Quinn was okay with. She was just not. It was her second appointment and still all she could feel was the falseness of it all. It was wrong, so goddamn wrong. She knew she had to be there though. She knew she had to if she ever wanted to be happy again. But wouldn't again imply that she had been happy at some point? Had she really ever been truly happy?

She remembers moments in her childhood, playing in the yard with her oh so perfect sister in their oh so perfect sundresses, sitting on the strings and feeling the skirt of her dress slightly lift up due to the wind and her slight sway. She remembers feeling free – but she also remembers that those moments were brief and just seconds later her mother would tell them to get inside before they got any dirt on their dresses. Really, the swings in the backyard were just for show. They rarely used it and when they did it was a short pleasure only waiting to end. It was just one more puzzle piece in their picture perfect family. One more piece in order to make everyone believe that this family was everything anyone could ever dream of.

She remembers falling asleep in her father's lap while he watched football. She felt content and loved but even back then she was all too aware of the smell of alcohol surrounding them. She was aware of it because it had always been there. There was a point in her life when she thought that it was normal; that that's how things were supposed to be. She just didn't know any better.

She remembers her sister leaving for college and thinking that it was finally her time to be her parent's favorite; her time to get all the love she was so desperately longing for. She remembered freshman year; how happy she felt to get into the cheerleading squad but she also remembers how much she hated being shouted at by Sue. She had had her fair share of that at home already. She remembers how proud she was of herself when Sue made her head cheerleader but she also remembered that her parents didn't seem to care much, already bordering on drunk when she came home from practice to tell them.

She remembers finding out about her pregnancy and how it all went down from there. She can still feel her heart shattering when she thought of her father calling her a disappointment. She remembers holding Beth in her arms right after she was born and how truly happy she felt in that moment. But she also remembers how empty she felt after giving her up, even though she knew that she made the right decision for her daughter.

In her previous session, Quinn only talked about the essentials. She told her therapist about her family, about Russel, her mother and – albeit hesitantly – about Franny as well. Eventually she even told her about Lucy. She told her about Beth, about cheerleading, about glee club, getting into Yale and the accident…god the accident.

"So, you seem even more uncomfortable than last time, Quinn. Did something happen since Wednesday?"

Shaking her head out of her musings, she turned her gaze from her hands in her lap to look up at the brunette doctor, her mask perfectly in place. "No, just some reunions," she answered.

"Right, I remember you mentioning that some of your friends from glee club are in New York as well. I thought you said you weren't planning on meeting up with them yet. What changed?"

"I didn't plan to. Santana tricked me into seeing them," the blonde said bitterly.

"It seems to me that you are not happy about seeing them again, then?"

"It's complicated," she gritted out. Feeling her headache coming back full force, she grabbed her glass of water and took a sip.

"That's how far we got last time. You look tired. Is there any reason for that?"

"I didn't get enough sleep," she replied matter-of-factly.

"Obviously," the brunette nodded, observing how the blonde rubbed her temple and squeezed her eyes shut from time to time to block out the sunlight coming in through the large windows. "Care to tell me why you got drunk, Quinn? From what you told me last time, it's not something you do often."

"I just felt like it," she said shrugging.

"Okay, this is not going anywhere. I would like to talk to you about your accident, Quinn. How has it affected you?"

"I don't know. It just changed me," she whispered while staring off into space.

"That's normal but it's not what I meant. How has it affected your health?"

xxxxxxxxxx

Therapy was exhausting. Quinn has no idea how she was supposed to deal with this twice a week. Sure, it was only an hour but it felt so much longer and she felt emotionally drained even though Dr. Bennett was still careful to not push too hard and they were still only scratching at the surface of everything. What would it feel like once they got to her very core? What would it feel like once she had to fully admit that she was not just damaged but actually broken into a thousand shreds? What if she was beyond repair? What if there was nothing Dr. Bennett could do for her in the end?

Slowly, she made her way back to Santana's apartment, once more walking instead of taking a taxi, fooling herself into thinking that she just wanted some fresh air. Surely, it had nothing to do with the fact that she despised being in a car.

Arriving at the building, she made her way up the five flights of stairs instead of taking the elevator – damn her stupid claustrophobia. It's as if she could just never catch a break. Exhausted she stuck the keys in the lock and opened the door, the pain in her legs a familiar reminder of just how close she had been to the edge. Noticing that the shower was running, she went into the kitchen to prepare a late breakfast, seeing as she couldn't bring herself to get anything other than water and coffee into her system yet. Finding the kitchen all tidied up – the Latina's apartment was surprisingly clean – she just assumed that her friend hadn't had any food yet either and prepared something for her as well.

When the brunette came into the kitchen with her hair still wet and with only some shorts and a tank top, she placed the plates on the table and motioned for her to take a seat.

After several minutes of eating in silence and Quinn being on edge around her former best friend, she finally couldn't take it anymore and spoke up. "Just ask away already, will you?"

"Sorry," the Latina said genuinely. "I didn't know how to start and I didn't want to push."

Seeing her friend like this was not something she was used to. The Latina was never one to beat around the bush. She had always been straight forward. How could things have changed so much during the last months?

"I met Rachel earlier," Quinn shared to her own surprise.

"And you're still alive? Wow. What happened?"

"We talked," Quinn said and shrugged.

"You mean she talked, right? Because normally that's what a conversation with Rachel Berry looks like," the Latina said and in a matter of seconds Quinn felt like the old Santana was back.

"Stop it Santana," she said, feeling protective of the short brunette.

"Sure," the brunette answered while rolling her eyes. "So, what did you talk about?"

"Nothing much. I didn't have much time. We're meeting up for coffee tomorrow."

"Okaaaay, now that's unexpected, but also kinda impressive. What did you threaten her with, Q?"

"I didn't do anything to her. She initiated it."

"Weird," the Latina said frowning. "Anyways, why don't you tell me where you went this morning, so we can finally figure this out?"

"I went to see my therapist," the blonde said without any hesitation.

"You what now? Why are you seeing a therapist? And is this where you've been every day?"

"I've been having problems ever since the accident," the blonde said feeling her appetite leave her. "Okay, to be honest, I already had problems before but the accident was my breaking point. And to answer your other question: No, I haven't been at therapy all day. That wouldn't really make sense now, would it?"

"Alright, then where have you been? Stop the fucking stalling and just tell me already."

"I'm not stalling. It's just a lot to come to terms with. Things haven't been easy for me, S." The blonde looked at her counterpart and found something she rarely did with the brunette; she found sympathy and compassion. Santana didn't say anything, silently urging her to continue.

"I have therapy twice a week. My first session was Wednesday morning. Other than that I've been at universities – Columbia and NYU – to figure out my transfer. I've also been searching for an apartment because I don't want to live on campus like I did at Yale."

The Latina noticed her friend falter and was sure that there was something the blonde was still keeping from her. "So, are these the medical reasons that brought you here? Because, I'm pretty sure you would have found a therapist in New Heaven as well," she said, careful not to push her friend too hard.

"No, therapy is not the reason for me being here. I'm also here for physical therapy for my legs and to see a specialist," Quinn answered, making sure to not make eye contact with the brunette sitting across from her.

"What are you seeing a specialist for?"

"It's complicated," she found herself saying again. Everything about her life was complicated. Nothing ever came easy to Quinn Fabray, except for maybe her grades.

"I have all the time in the world," the Latina said calmly.

Sighing a little, the blonde thought of the best way to explain her situation. "You remember how the accident injured my spinal cord, right?" After seeing the brunette nod sadly she continued. "The injury didn't just affect my ability to walk. It also led to a thoracic trauma. That's a trauma of the chest. I had several broken ribs on my left side, where the car hit me." Seeing her friend wince, Quinn stopped to take a sip of her water, leaving her some time to process things. "The rib fractures combined with my fractured sternum caused the trauma. I sometimes have problems breathing because of it. That's why I'm seeing a specialist."

Santana gulped. This really was a lot to take in. "And you ignored this for the last months before deciding to get help?"

"No, I thought it would go away. I was told that a few injuries might take a few months to properly heal. During one of my classes, I collapsed because I couldn't breathe properly and was taken to the hospital. They told me that the damage my ribs had made, seeing as four of them were broken and one more had a hairline crack, was a lot worse than my doctor had realized and my sternum still wasn't fully healed. They told me about a specialist here in New York and recommended seeing him."

The Latina was speechless; simply speechless. She felt numb. How could she have not seen any of this? Quinn struggling while still in her wheelchair and her labored breathing after singing in glee club. The hard time she had preparing for Nationals. The breaks she went on, not returning for over half an hour.

How could she have thought that an accident like that would not have any repercussions? How could she have thought that as soon as she was on her feet again, the accident could just be forgotten?

How could she have been that blind? And how could she let Quinn ignore her? She should have done more. Could she have done more?

"How bad is it?" It was lame. She knew that but it was all she could think of at that very moment.

"I'll be fine, S. Stop worrying. It doesn't suit you. Someone might think you actually give a damn," the blonde said, winking at her friend.

"Stop with the fucking jokes. This is not funny, Q! It's just not! How could you not tell me any of this? Why did you even go for that stupid run with me? Just think of what could have happened. And I wouldn't have had the slightest idea what to do."

"My doctor says it's okay to go for runs. I just have to make sure to not overdo. It's actually healthy. The pain is just worse when it's cold, that's all."

The brunette just shook her head. None of this made sense. None of it made any damn sense. Why did this have to happen to Quinn? Why the hell Quinn? She had been through so much. This wasn't fair. It just wasn't.

Noticing her friend's inner battle, Quinn took her hands in hers and waited for her to look up. "Everything is going to be fine," she whispered, trying to reassure the brunette and maybe – just maybe – trying to reassure herself a little as well.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Rachel came home from class in the evening, Kurt was already in the kitchen cooking dinner for the both of them. It smelled delicious and she noticed with the set table and the red wine in the middle, that her best friend was making an effort.

"What is all this for Kurt?"

"Hey Rach! Just sit down. Food will be ready in a minute. You can help yourself with the wine," he said without turning around.

After shaking out of her coat and shuffling of her boots, Rachel poured Kurt and herself some wine and sat down at the table. A few moments later, Kurt brought the food and sat down opposite her.

"Kurt, is there a special occasion? Do we have a reason to celebrate?"

"No, we don't. I wanted to apologize, actually. I'm sorry for the way I acted last night, Rachel. It was uncalled for and I should have been there for you. This is me trying to make it up to you."

"Oh Kurt, you didn't have to do this. It's fine. I guess you were right. I was kind of asking for it."

"Yes, I still think what you did was a bit harsh but I should have been there for you anyway. Especially seeing as this whole thing was my idea. You're my best friend. It's what friends do. They stand by you even if you're wrong, right?"

The brunette smiled at her friend, nodding shyly. She loved Kurt. He was like the brother she never had and always wished for. He was probably one of the best things in her life; after all he was her Glinda.

"I actually have to thank you for last night though. It gave me the push that I needed."

"What do you mean? Is there something you're not telling me, Rachel?" And within second he was back to his gossipy nature and grinning at her, curious like a five year old child. Yes, she really loved him.

"I met Quinn this morning and we're meeting up for coffee tomorrow," she told him, laughing at how wide his eyes went and resisting the urge to tap his chin in order to shut his mouth.

* * *

**Early update! I actually found time to write this weekend and thought I shouldn't keep you waiting for an update as long as I normally do. It's also the longest chapter so far. I hope you liked it. Hit the button and let me know ;) **

**Next chapter: The "coffee date"!  
**

**I hope my hours of research in my university's library helped to make the medical part of this chapter actually make sense.  
**


	11. Breathe

_You made yourself a bed_

_At the bottom of the blackest hole_

_And convinced yourself that it's not the reason_

_You don't see the sun anymore*_

* * *

After spending all day talking to Santana, ordering take out food and watching DVDs and basically just finding good enough reasons to not leave the apartment at all, Quinn was still exhausted. She was emotionally exhausted. She just sank onto the couch she called her bed and prayed for her head to shut up and give her one night; just one night without laying awake for hours, without any nightmares, without feeling so damn much. She prayed for a time out, just for one night.

But how could she possibly fall asleep when her head was full of everything all at once. Full of choices to make, full of Rachel, full of her talk with Santana, full of what ifs and just full of _Rachel_.

She had no idea what to think of their coffee date. Not the slightest. She wanted to see her, wanted to talk to her. She just didn't know what to say. What she could say, what she should say and what she actually WANTED to say. She just didn't know and not knowing killed her and she felt insecure over a freaking coffee date with someone she used to call a friend and it was just that, right? A coffee date.

She thought of things to tell Rachel. She thought of questions to ask because there were just so many and she was always just too damn afraid to ask them.

When she woke with a start and her heart rate going crazy, she tried desperately to calm herself down with her hand clutching at her chest, while still hearing the car's honks and the shattering of glass all around her and the sound of the crash that seemed so far away even though it was right next to her, right _into_ her and it hurt and she couldn't breathe and she needed help but when she opened her mouth she couldn't say a damn word. Her mouth was so dry, which was ridiculous because she felt it filling up with the tears that kept running down her cheek and she needed to breathe and she just couldn't.

When she felt Santana's hand on the hand that was still clutching desperately at her chest – To do what? Tear it open? – she looked at her and silently screamed for her to make it stop and she did after a while. And when she felt Santana's arms around her she felt like a little child all over again. She felt like the little girl she always wanted to be, the girl in her mother's arms, crying her heart out after falling on the pavement or being pushed to the ground by a little boy on the playground. And she still felt the remaining wetness of her tears even though they finally seemed to have stopped.

And after calming down and Santana explaining to her that she had screamed in her sleep and that's what woke her up, she let her lead her to her bedroom and held her throughout the rest of the night because even though this wasn't something they did and she felt extremely weird and out of place, she also knew that she needed it now more than ever and obviously Santana knew too.

xxxxxxxxxx

When she woke up, she was alone in bed and the first thing that came to her mind was that she had no idea what time it was and today was the coffee date and she could not be late for that. Looking at the Latina's alarm clock she calmed down seeing as it was only a little after 9am and she still had time to have breakfast and get ready without having to rush.

When she left the room and went to her bag next to her couch, she heard Santana sing softly in the kitchen. She hadn't heard her sing in such a long time and it felt warm and familiar even though the song was anything but happy and she could practically feel the pain radiating from her voice.

"Good morning," she awkwardly said when entering the kitchen.

The brunette spun around and looked at her and now that she saw the bags under her eyes and the fear that they still held, she realized that no matter what had happened, this was in fact still her best friend and it was ironic but she smiled just a little.

"Don't ever do this again," Santana tried to spat but the waver in her voice gave her away and Quinn knew that it was her way of telling her just how afraid she had been and still was, so all she gave as a reply was a silent but sincere "thank you" before standing right next to her and helping her with preparing breakfast.

The silence between them was heavy but not completely uncomfortable and when they sat down across from each other, Santana broke it for a minute. "You really scared me, Q," she pressed out without looking at the blonde and Quinn didn't know why but all of a sudden she felt like she belonged and this felt like home more than Yale ever had.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Quinn entered the coffee shop, Rachel was already sat in a booth in the far corner, coffee in front of her. After heading to the counter to get her own one, she slowly made her way over and sat down across from her quietly.

"Hey," she almost whispered because she was so afraid and she felt like falling. But when a soft "hi" is whispered back, she relaxed just a tad, noticing that Rachel was probably just as scared and nervous as she was.

When Quinn still didn't say anything after a few rather awkward moments, Rachel couldn't take it anymore. "So, how have you been?" Oh well, small talk was better than nothing, right? Right? They needed to start somewhere.

"I'm…good. I've been good, I think," the blonde answered. She felt so out of place that it wasn't even funny. This was not what a Fabray did. She never had to have coversations like this. She made mistakes, she was forgiven. That's how things have always worked for her. And now, here she was, looking at the small diva – god, she looked so beautiful – and fidgeting with her hands under the table because she had no idea how to do this. She knew she needed to apologize. She knew she needed to explain herself. But how? How? "What about you?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a lot going on with NYADA and everything. The Winter Show Case is next week and I'm really nervous because I've been invited to perform and usually freshmen don't get an invitation," she said all in one breath and suddenly Quinn felt relaxed because this was _Rachel_. And she was still the same girl that she knew. Sure, some things have changed but it was still _her_ Rachel.

"You'll be amazing. You know you will be. There's no one like you, Rachel." And that was enough for Rachel to realize that she was still in love with Quinn, just as much as she was back in high school, because this woman, who was smiling at her kindly, always knew what to say. She always knew the right words. And the way she looked at her, reassurance and pride radiating from her – maybe even love? – mad her fall in love all over again. She hated feeling like this.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Everything," the blonde answered without a second of hesitation.

"Why are you here?"

She did not expect such a sudden change of topic. She definitely didn't. What was she supposed to say? Why now already? Couldn't they wait a little? Just a few more minutes of small talk and hearing what she had been up to since she came to New York? She just wasn't ready yet. She didn't know the words…she didn't know them. She didn't know what to say.

"Quinn?"

She sounded so far away and why did she look so concerned? And suddenly she realized that she wasn't breathing normally and it almost made her panic but then she felt Rachel's hand on her cheek and it slowly calmed her down enough to take a deep breath and look at the brunette.

"Quinn, what just happened?"

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice raspy. What to say? What to say? Her mouth was so dry. And Rachel seemed to notice, because she stood up to get her a glass of water without further questioning and placed it in front of her.

"This is one of the reasons I'm here," she started slowly after a gulp of water. She carefully explained the ramifications of her accident.

"I'm so sorry," Rachel choked out after she stopped.

"I told you a dozen times already Rachel, this wasn't your fault. None of it was. _I _was stupid enough to text and drive."

The brunette slowly nodded and looked at her again. "So what's happening now?"

"I have appointments once a week. So far they only did a general check up, seeing as I cracked another rib when I collapsed in class and it has been worse ever since. They'll be doing stress tests and I'll probably have to carry an inhaler and other than that, I don't know yet. I also have physical therapy once a week because my legs were getting worse again without it." And when the worried look still didn't leave the diva's eyes, she summoned up all her courage and took the brunette's hands in hers and squeezed it a little. "It'll be okay, Rach."

"What about Yale?"

"I'm transferring to New York," she replied a little nervous about the reaction she'll get.

"But it's _Yale_," the brunette all but screamed at her.

"I got into NYU and Columbia with a double major in drama and journalism and they're both really good colleges. Columbia is Ivy League!"

"But, you wanted this so much."

"I did. I really did. Things just don't always work out the way we want them to, right?" She carefully took back her hands and looked into her empty coffee cup. It was silent for a while until Quinn spoke up again.

"Why did you never visit while I was in the hospital?" It was in the past, she knew that but she had asked herself the same question over and over again and she just couldn't find the answer. She needed to know. She needed to know why she never came even though she had claimed to be in love with her only a few months later.

"I did," she answered and for a moment Quinn thought it was all she was going to get. "I visited when you hadn't woken up yet and I did after you woke up but I didn't go into your room anymore. I tried. I tried so many times but I couldn't. Seeing you like that just hurt too much and the guilt was eating away at me and I just couldn't handle being there but I also couldn't handle not being there at all."

"Why didn't people tell me? I mean, someone must have seen you. I asked about you all the time and I never got an answer," the blonde said, clearly hurt.

"I told them not to. I was afraid you'd want to see me and I knew I would have gone in if you had asked me to but I also knew I wouldn't have been able to take it. Santana screamed at me more than once and Finn…well, we didn't talk much after what happened."

"Why did you end things with Finn instead of just cancelling the wedding?"

"It didn't feel right anymore after the accident. Every time I looked at him it made me think of you," she said shrugging. "And when we became friends after, I realized that it never would have worked out anyway because I couldn't talk to him the way I could talk to you and he would never get me the way you do…he tried to get back together, but I just couldn't. Even though I knew that I would never have a chance with you, I couldn't lie to him either."

"I'm so sorry for running away that day Rachel," she said, the shame evident in her voice.

"So why did you?"

"I was scared. I was just so scared."

"Why didn't you just tell me that you didn't want to be with me?"

"Because it would have been a lie," she answered honestly, locking eyes with the brunette who was speechless for once.

After a few moments, Rachel spoke up again. "What were you so scared of then?"

"Getting hurt," she simply said and looked down at her hands. "I was finally back on track and going to Yale and I was friends with you and I was so scared that it wouldn't work out, that I would screw up and I wouldn't be able to recover anymore. There's only so many times that you can get hit and stand up again."

"And now you're not scared anymore?"

"I'm working on it," the blonde answered quietly. "I have therapy twice a week."

It was almost a whisper but she still heard it.

They had talked for another two hours over another cup of coffee, when they decided to leave the café and head out for a walk. After their walk, Quinn brought the brunette back to her apartment. Before Rachel entered her building though, she turned around once more.

"Quinn, there's something I need to show you. I'm sorry I didn't before. I just didn't know how to bring it up. I got a letter from Shelby last week and she told me to give this to you because she didn't have your address."

Rachel retrieved an envelope from her handbag and the blonde took it from the brunette's hand and slowly opened it. She took out the picture and saw her daughter smiling back at her in Puck's arm. She didn't feel the tears running down her cheeks until she felt Rachel brushing them away.

She felt her mouth going dry and breathing became hard. She need out. This was too much. She looked up at Rachel, who grew more and more concerned, the longer it took for Quinn to say something.

"Quinn?"

"I have to go," she pressed out before turning around and walking away as quickly as possible without actually running. She stopped two blocks later, breathing heavily and with the envelope still clutched in one hand and the picture in the other.

Digging through her purse, she finally found her cell and dialed away, feeling a little better when the person on the other end picked up.

"Dr. Bennett, are you still in your office? It's important."

* * *

_And when it rains_

_Will you always find an escape?_

_Just running away_

_From all of the ones who love you_

_From everything*_

**That's it for now. I hope you liked the update. Review and let me know. **

**Song used: *Paramore – When it rains**

**Merry Christmas everyone!**


	12. Ecdysis

_You once told me our fingerprints don't fade from the lives that we touch. Is that true for everybody? Or was it just poetic bullshit?_

– _Remember Me –_

* * *

After taking a few minutes in the office to calm down, just sitting in that way too comfortable armchair and not saying a word while staring at her hands still clutching the letter and the picture, she finally looked up towards Dr. Bennett. She felt out of place, extremely so. She didn't want to be here, she didn't want any of this but she also knew she needed it. Why did she need this so much?

"Do you want to tell me why you're here, Quinn?"

"I don't know. I didn't know where else to go," she said dejectedly.

"What made you call me? You said it was important, right?"

Quinn locked eyes with the doctor and she couldn't see anything but compassion. She wanted to talk. For once she actually wanted to say out loud what her mind kept screaming at her. She felt her throat run dry and noticed how breathing got uncomfortable.

"I-" she almost said she saw her daughter, which was wrong. It was wrong on so many levels. She didn't see Beth. She just saw a picture, a picture of the child that she gave birth to almost three years ago. It wasn't her daughter either. It was someone else's daughter. And what hurt even more was the fact that Puck was indeed able to be her father because no one else held that place. She clenched her hands and unclenched her right hand again when she realized that she might damage the picture.

"What are you holding in your hands?" The brunette tried. She had to give her that much. She really tried. She was patient with her even though Quinn was anything but cooperative. She still tried and Quinn wasn't used to that because when did people ever try when they realized that the blonde didn't respond to anything? And then it hit her again and it was full force as always. Because – _Rachel_. Rachel had tried, over and over again.

Slowly and reluctantly she put out her hand and gave her therapist the picture of her – of Beth.

After looking at it and nodding slowly, the brunette woman locked eyes again with the girl in front of her. "Do you want to tell me who this is?"

Quinn was furious. Why would she do that? She knew exactly who that was. Why would she make her say it? "Don't do this. You know who it is. I told you about her in our first session." When she didn't get an answer, she took a deep breath in order to calm herself down. "That's my-" and again she stopped herself, because _NO_, she's not. "That's Beth," she said silently.

"Who is the man in the picture?"

"Noah Puckerman. He's the father," she said and tried to hide the hatred that radiated from her body when she thought of Puck getting what he wanted. Why couldn't she ever get what she wanted?

"Her birth father or Shelbey's partner?"

"Her birth father, maybe both. I don't know," she said and the anger was so hard to keep in and swallow because it filled her whole being and she felt sick and why was this happening?

"What do you mean when you say maybe both?"

"He fucked her last year," she said bitterly and she needed out because _GOD_ why were they talking about Puck? And if the doctor had any problem with her being crude, she didn't say so and she didn't flinch either. She only leaned forward and handed Quinn the picture again.

"Was he in love with her?"

"I don't care," she said because it didn't matter anyway.

"Was he in love with you?"

"NO," she all but screamed but then shrunk a little in her seat in defeat. "Yes," she sighed heavily.

"Were you in love with him?"

"I loved him," she said and when all she got was a pointed look instead of another question she simply sighed again. "No, I wasn't in love with him."

She expected her to push. To punch the words out of her. To make her finally say it out loud. _I'm GAY._ But she didn't.

"What are you holding in your other hand?"

"The letter and the envelope the picture came with."

"Did you read it?"

"No, I didn't. It's not like it'll change anything." _I couldn't._ It could change everything but she just couldn't bring herself to read the letter without breaking down again.

"Do you want me to read it instead?"

And Quinn was shocked because she was quite sure that she just told her that the letter didn't matter and how could the brunette realize that she lied to her? She tried to think of a biting remark, something hurtful to say. Should she call her stupid? Deaf? And instead she surprised herself when a quiet "yes, please" left her mouth and she didn't even recognize herself when she handed the envelope to Dr. Bennett, who started reading it out loud.

_Dear Quinn,_

_I don't know when and if you will get this. Rachel told me that no one has been in contact with you since graduation but if anyone will find a way to give this to you it'll be her._

_After Sectionals last year, I left Lima and moved to LA to work in a theater. I ran into Noah a few weeks ago and we had coffee together. That's where the picture was taken._

_I'll be in New York in January to visit Rachel. I know things were a mess when I left Lima, but I'm willing to let things go. I'm aware that you're studying at Yale but I'd like to meet up during my stay in New York, if you want to see Beth. _

_Just call me and let me know. I put my business card with the letter. _

_Sincerely,_

_Shelby_

Halfway through the letter, Quinn had placed the picture on the armrest and balled her hands to fists. She was close to screaming at that point. How dare she? How dare she do this to her?

"Quinn? Why does this make you angry?"

"How dare she? She can't do this to me again. She just can't."

"When was the last time you saw Shelby and Beth?"

"The last time I saw Shelby was about a year ago during Sectionals. The last time I saw Beth was at the end of October. After that I was forbidden to see her," she ended and clenched her jaw to the point where it hurt.

"Why aren't you happy to be given another chance to see your daughter?"

"She's not my daughter," she choked out as she felt the tell-tale sign of tears when her throat and eyes began to burn.

And again she felt as if she needed out. She felt as if her skin closed in on her and didn't leave any place to breathe. She felt as if her feelings were pushed out and out of her control. It was a feeling that was all too familiar by now. Maybe she was molting. Maybe she was about to cast her skin. Maybe her skin simply didn't fit anymore. It sure felt like it. She looked around and felt the doctor's eyes on her, gauging her reaction but nothing came. Her eyes darted around the room nervously and she felt as if the walls were closing in on her. When did this room get so small? And then the older woman's voice broke through the fog that was attacking her brain. Was her enclosing skin breaking her skull and damaging her brain?

"When did you show the first signs of claustrophobia, Quinn?"

"When I was locked in a dumpster for almost a whole day in middle school," she said automatically, as if it was the most normal thing in the world and maybe it was. Wasn't it?

xxxxxxxxxx

When she came home, Santana wasn't home. She went straight for the shower because there was nothing more comforting than a warm shower and there was nothing she needed more than comfort right now.

She shed her clothes and stepped in, turning the shower on. She let the hot water ensnare her and pull her in and simply let go for a few minutes. But it didn't hold the comfort that it normally did. It simply wasn't enough.

After showering for fifteen minutes and feeling the water getting colder and colder, she gave up and turned off the shower. She stepped out and got dressed in some sweatpants and a tank top.

She didn't bother to dry her hair before sitting down on the couch and staring down at the envelope on the couch table in front of her.

When Santana came home an hour later, she was still in the same position. Her hair for some reason still damp clung to her forehead. Was she sweating? Her eyes didn't leave the table. She was still staring, simply staring, even if she had stopped seeing the letter a long time ago. She just stared right through it.

She didn't even realize she was rubbing her hands up and down her arms almost desperately until Santana sat down next to her and stopped them from moving.

"What are you doing, Q?"

She looked at her friend shocked for a few seconds but then she felt her inner self struggle against her skin again and maybe the Latina could help pull it off. Maybe she could help her in her ecdysis.

"I need to molt."

* * *

_Whether it's the sunshine  
Whether it's the rain  
Doesn't make a difference  
Till you complain  
Whether it's the water comin' in from the roof  
Does it piss you off  
That you're not waterproof?*_

__**So, this is the first update in 2013! I'm sorry for taking so long. I hope you like the chapter. Just leave a review and let me know.  
**

**Happy New Year and thanks to everyone who's reading this! It really means a lot!  
**

***Tracy Bonham - Whether you fall  
**


	13. Being Alive

_Someone to need you too much_

_Someone to know you too well_

_Someone to pull you up short_

_To put you through hell_

_To give you support_

_Is __being alive*_

* * *

Rachel just stood there. She just stood there because what else was she supposed to do? What was she supposed to do? Could someone just tell her what on earth she was supposed to do? She left her…again. She just left her standing there. She knew this was different for some reason but she just couldn't figure out why because it _felt_ the same. It felt _exactly_ the same. It hurt…again.

Only when her extremely rude and unappealing neighbor ran into her on his way to who knows where and instead of apologizing mumbled something about "stupid careless teenagers" did she realize that she still hadn't moved and she at least needed to get into her apartment before people started to think she was crazy. Just imagine – once she made it on Broadway – her neighbors going around and giving interviews, telling people how insane Rachel Berry is. So she carried her feet up the stairs and into her apartment, even if it was only to slump down right next to the door.

She knew it was different but her mind was blank. She needed someone. Someone to tell her that this was not senior year all over again and that she didn't just open up _just _to get her heart ripped out again.

Without thinking she fished her cell out of her handbag and punched the words "S.O.S. apartment" and hit send without thinking twice. She needed someone. She needed someone _now_.

When Kurt ran into the apartment and ran straight past her without noticing her as if looking for a fire, she couldn't say a word. She just couldn't. What was there to say? Quinn left her again. And this time it wasn't even her fault, was it? No, it was Shelby's fault. How could she think that _her_ handing it to Quinn would be a good idea? There was a reason why she kept it until the very last minute and only reluctantly gave it to her at all, knowing that she deserved to see it. God, that girl deserved everything.

After Kurt had checked every corner of the apartment and cried out her name for the fourth time his eyes landed on her, right next to their door, a crumbled mess with her arms around her legs, chin on her knees and an apathetic look on her face, only after a few torturous seconds meeting his gaze.

"What the hell did she do? I swear, this time I _am _going to kill her and you're not going to stop me," he said, his hands balling to fists at his side. But Rachel didn't reply at all.

He didn't know if he was happy or angry when the empty look left her face and silent tears started flowing down her cheeks.

Without hesitating for even a second, he dropped his bag and sat down next to her, throwing his arms around his best friend. He didn't say anything, knowing Rachel better than that. He knew she'd come around on her own. He only had to wait. And he was right. After several minutes he heard her whisper against his shoulder.

"She left me…again."

"She's going back to New Haven then?"

"No, she's transferring to New York because her doctors are here. Did you not listen to me, Kurt? She left me. Just like last time."

"I'm kind of at a loss here, honey. What happened? And what do you mean her doctors are here?"

"We went for coffee, she told me about her current situation and after she brought me home she just left me standing there. Just like in senior year, Kurt. It happened all over again."

"Well, that's what people do after they bring you home: they leave. But I assume you're leaving something out. What did you say that made her leave? I mean, she already knows that you're gay for Fabray, so what was the big deal this time?"

"Just so you know, I resent you for that. I'm not 'gay' for anyone. I have feelings for her. That's nowhere near the same. Actually, you're devaluing what I feel for her. Furthermore, I'll have you know that I don't even consider myself gay. Quinn is the only girl I've ever had feelings for, so at least find another way to ridicule what I feel for her but refrain from-"

"Rachel! What happened?"

"I gave her Shelby's letter," the brunette sighed out.

"And?"

"She saw the picture of Noah and Beth and simply froze. I don't think she even realized that she had been crying. And suddenly it was like a switch in her brain was turned and she ran off without even reading the letter. She just ran away."

He wanted to face-palm because _really_? Really? She could not be serious. "Rachel, please tell me that you realize that this has nothing to do with you. Please!"

"What do you mean, Kurt? She left me standing on our porch! She ran away from me, just like she did in senior year." What happened in the bathrooms felt as if it had been years ago and yet at the same time she remembered it as if it had happened yesterday. Her insecurities from that day, which she thought were long gone and buried deep down not to surface ever again, were back full force within seconds and it hit her how much she had been fooling herself.

"She did run away, but she didn't run away from you, sweety," he said, almost daring to smile but knowing that the diva would most likely rip his head off if he did.

Rachel was beyond confused but also waiting for Kurt to tell her why this was in fact different, to tell her that Quinn was a different person now and that she didn't just run away from her again.

"Did you not get the part where she _left _me standing on the porch of our apartment building?" Now she was simply getting frustrated. What he said didn't even make sense.

"Rachel, she ran away from her past. That was probably the first time that she saw Beth in over a year and on top of that in Noah's arms."

"Oh," Rachel slowly let out in a breath, realization hitting her. "Oh Lord! So, it wasn't because of me?"

"No, of course not."

"Okay. What do I do now?"

"Just give her some time. She'll come around," he told her and watched as she slowly nodded, a little frown still playing over her face. "Gosh, you realize that I was out for blood, right?"

"No you weren't because you'd be way too afraid that your designer clothes would get dirty," she said, rolling her eyes for dramatic effect.

"True," he said, a thoughtful look on his face. "Anyway, time for gossip. I want to know _everything_. And I swear, if I find out you left out just the slightest detail, I will stop shopping for you."

"Stop throwing around empty threats, Kurt. We both know that you would not want me to shop for myself."

"Touché!"

xxxxxxxxxx

And she did give her time. Before she knew it, it was Wednesday late in the afternoon and she was frantically moving around, getting ready for the NYADA Winter Show Case and she still hadn't heard anything from Quinn. It had been four days and she was desperately itching to text or to call her but Kurt told her not to over and over again. She had wanted to invite Quinn; after all she had two extra tickets because she was one of the performers.

Less than two hours to go until the event started, less than two hours until her big moment and all she could think about was the former cheerleader.

On short notice she had given Brody her second ticket and he met them in front of the building, escorting her inside and reassuring her over and over again. He must have mistaken her misery for nerves. Why the hell would she be nervous? She's remarkably talented. People like her have no need for stage fright. The only thing they feel before a performance is excitement for doing what they love. But at least it kept him from questioning what was actually wrong.

Her performance was immaculate, absolutely flawless. There was nothing that compared to the feeling of performing, absolutely nothing. She felt complete as soon as the first note left her mouth and no one could ever take that away from her. It helped take some of the ache that she felt over Quinn away because this was everything. This was where she was supposed to be. On stage with an audience right in front of her, ready to give her standing ovations as soon as the last note bounced off the walls.

She blindly fell into Kurt's wide open arms when they announced that she had won, tears streaming down her face because even though she knew how good she was, she also knew that the competition was tough. The evening was close to perfect with Kurt doing an exceptional cover of "Being Alive" and making Rachel's heart explode a million times because she felt it, she felt _all _of it and she had never been more proud to call Kurt Hummel her best friend.

When they left the building however, she felt like the final piece to her puzzle just clicked into place when she saw the blonde standing only a short distance away with a not so pleased Latina very obviously grumbling angrily next to her. And when Quinn smiled at her, all she could do was run and fall into her arms as if nothing had ever happened between them, the excitement from the performance and winning still running all the way through every vein in her body.

The blonde caught her in her arms and after only a second of hesitation held her tight against her body, Rachel's head safely placed against her shoulder while she whispered excitedly against her shoulder. "I won Quinn, I won!"

"Of course you did. I never doubted that you would. I told you, Rachel, there's no one like you," she heard her sigh against her hair while she breathed in the taller girl's scent, positive that what she inhaled had to be the scent of pure beauty.

* * *

_Someone to crowd you with love_

_Someone to force you to care_

_Someone to make you come through_

_Who'll always be there_

_As frightened as you_

_Of being alive*_

**New Chapter! Don't we just LOVE Kurt? ;) Guess what comes after Wednesday?! Yes, Thursday! And what's on Thurdays? Exactly, Callbacks!** **Let me know whether you liked the chapter. Thoughts, wishes and any form of advice is always welcomed and appreciated! **

***Stephen Sondheim - Being Alive**


	14. So young

"_It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace." _

–_Chuck Palahniuk, __Diary –_

* * *

"It was fantastic. You should have been there Quinn. It was perfect!" Rachel still hadn't left Quinn's arms. It felt way too good to give it up that quickly. She wanted it to last forever if possible. But seeing as that was not an option, she would take as long as she could get. "The only time I've ever felt like this when performing was Regionals in junior year when I performed our song," Rachel ranted away taking an excited breath after finishing her sentence.

"It was your song Rachel not ours and you were even better this time," the blonde said with a soft smile playing on her lips.

"It was our song. It will always be our song. You inspired me, you always did. Without you, I would have never-" she stopped and it hit her like lightning. "Wait, how would you know that I was even better? You weren't there. I would have seen you. There's no way you could have been there without me seeing you," she said at a total loss.

"I didn't _see_ you but I did hear you. Kurt called me during your performance," she said still smiling into the brunette's hair.

"Damn right, we heard you and after the performance blondie wouldn't shut up for a second until Kurt finally sent that text that you won and the both of you would be out soon," the angry Latina grumbled behind the blonde.

"You heard my performance?" The diva slowly disentangled herself from Quinn, not extracting herself from her personal space yet though, ignoring Santana with purpose.

"That's what I just said, didn't I? Are you deaf or something?"

"Be nice Santana! Of course I did. I wouldn't miss it for anything!"

"Whatever, Tubbers! Can we go now? You owe me a drink, actually after this you owe me several drinks and seeing as you also live with me, you're paying tonight," Santana rambled along angrily. She was in awe about Rachel's performance but even if hell froze over she would never admit that.

"Just a second, S," the blonde said shortly turning her head to her friend before focusing on Rachel again. "Would the two of you like to join us for a few drinks? We could celebrate your win." It was strange to see the former head cheerleader like this – shy and blushing, with her eyes slightly turned downwards.

"Of course! We would love to join you, right Kurt?"

"Definitely. I'm in!"

Quinn slowly stepped away from Rachel but never too far and started walking right next to her, itching to touch her, to hold her in her arms or hold her hand in hers, to place a protecting hand on her lower back; just something. But she didn't. She knew her limits.

"Seriously though Hobbit, you could have spared us the Christmas mush. No one wants to hear that shit any more. It's annoying," the Latina said, leading the way with Kurt, desperate to get to her drink. She needed it like yesterday. All this puppy love was pissing her off. If she wanted sickening sweet love stories she'd watch Jennifer Aniston in yet another version of the life she never had because the oh-so-fabulous Brad Pitt left her for fat-lip Angie.

"Stop calling her names, San. Just get over yourself," the blonde said rolling her eyes at her friends behavior. She knew exactly how it looked to hide feelings. Santana and she were more alike than she would ever admit out loud.

"Before you ever tell me to get over myself again Stretch Marks, lose your damn baby weight!"

"These jokes are really getting old S, don't you think?" The blonde answered with her famous raised eyebrow, seeming rather bored.

They were quiet after that, choosing to rather walk in silence to the bar and wait until Santana had some strong liquid in front of her. Still, Rachel could hear Quinn mumble to herself due to their closeness. "I really need to call Brittany." The brunette could practically see her eyes roll in annoyance.

xxxxxxxxxx

Quinn didn't sit down next to Rachel, knowing that it would be an almost impossible task to not have any physical contact while sitting in the booth right next to her. So instead she slid in next to Santana and let Rachel and Kurt take the seats opposite of them.

It felt strange to sit like this. It felt strange to sit here with those three people. Not necessarily a bad strange, just strange in general. It felt foreign even though she was in school and in Glee club with them for years. After all these years, a few months were enough to separate her from all of it and make a meeting like this feel foreign to her.

Santana took it upon herself to order shots for all of them and the first round didn't stay the last. Quinn stopped after the third round though, not comfortable with drinking yet again. She was still having an amazing time and was happy to see her _friends_ having fun.

She watched Rachel talk passionately to Kurt about her performance and how _right _it felt to stand in front of those people and sing for all she was worth. She watched her and saw the pride she exuded when talking about Kurt's performance. She watched as tears formed in her eyes because of how touched she was by his song and how happy she was for him. She simply watched her be _Rachel_ and it made her realize just how much she had missed the girl.

"You're embarrassing, Fabray," she heard the Latina say in almost a whisper next to her but it didn't stop her. "Seriously, it's creepy, stop it," her friend tried yet again, a little louder this time. "This lovey dovey shit is so not funny."

That seemed to stop Rachel and Kurt's conversation, which had just moved on to the newest Broadway hits and made them look at the two former cheerleaders questioningly. "Is everything alrigh?" Rachel asked with a slight note of worry in her tone.

"Sure, Berry. Why wouldn't it be? Just peachy."

"Maybe we should head home now," the blonde suggested, noticing the slightly drunk tone of the Latina and afraid she'd start insulting people again. "I have to get up early tomorrow anyway."

"Yes, you need to see your special doctor tomorrow morning, don't you? I totally forgot about that. Maybe I should join you. I'm sure it'll be loads of fun. Don't you think it would be fun, Q?"

"You have an appointment again tomorrow?"

"Yes, I do," Quinn answered Rachel before focusing on her best friend. "I'd rather go alone but we'll talk about this when you're sober. Let's go, Satan."

She slid out of her booth and stretched out her hand for Santana to take, who surprisingly didn't struggle and just took the offered hand. The blonde turned around once more to face Rachel and Kurt only to be knocked back by the force of Rachel's hug. She breathed her in once more before slowly letting go and nodding her head towards Kurt and turning to walk out of the bar.

"Wait," she heard Kurt say behind her and looked at the male diva once again. "We're going to Callbacks again tomorrow. Will you join us?"

Quinn flinched slightly and closed her eyes thinking back to Rachel's performance the week before only to open them again when she felt a hand touch her wrist softly. "I'm sorry," the brunette offered, her chocolate brown eyes holding nothing but pure sincerity. "Maybe you and Santana could sing this time," Rachel tried to encourage the blonde.

The former cheerleader smiled at her reassuringly. "I don't know about me but I'm sure S would love to rock that stage. We'll be there."

"I would really enjoy hearing you sing again," the diva shared and with that they parted ways.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Oh come on, Quinn, you have to sing," Kurt tried yet again. "Why won't you sing?"

"I just don't want to sing anything, Kurt. Why is that so hard to accept?" It was getting frustrating, extremely frustrating. She was so done with this conversation. She didn't want to sing. What was so bad about that?

"Q is just a scared little girl. Let her die a coward. I'm going up there now. Watch and learn, losers!"

Santana went towards the stage and talked to the guy behind the stage for a second before sitting down on a barstool and waiting for the piano to start playing. To say that Kurt and Rachel were surprised about the song choice was definitely an understatement. Quinn however wasn't. She smiled sadly as she watched her friend sing her heart out, mourning and reminiscing about the past.

_Time, sometimes the time just slips away_

_And you're left with yesterday_

_Left with the memories_

_I, I'll always think of you and smile_

_And be happy for the time I had you with me *_

Quinn noticed a slight smile cross the Latina's lips and she would have given a lot to know what exactly she was thinking about at the moment.

_Though we go our separate ways_

_I won't forget so don't forget_

_The memories we made_

_Please remember_

_Please remember_

_When I was there for you_

_And you were there for me_

_Please remember_

_Our time together_

_When time was yours and mine _

_And we were wild and free *_

The brunette kept her eyes closed through most of the song and barely moved at all on her stool. It broke Quinn's heart to see her friend like that and at the same time she was furious because she knew, she _knew_, that it was Santana herself who brought this on in the first place.

_And how we laugh and how we smile  
And how this world was yours and mine  
And how no dream was out of reach  
I stood by you, you stood by me  
We took each day and made it shine  
We wrote our names across the sky  
We ride so fast, we ride so free  
And I had you and you had me *_

The blonde was slightly shocked when Santana locked eyes with her towards the end of the song, basically begging for her to understand – and she did. She suddenly saw things that she hadn't understood before. She was always left out, at least that's what it felt like. It had always been Santana and Brittany. But when her friend looked at her across the room, she could finally see. She could see herself in New York with her two best friends, being there with her during one of her biggest break downs. She saw them begging at the beginning of senior year. She saw them smiling with her right before their "Edge of Glory" performance. She could see the Unholy Trinity that Santana insisted on calling them.

A warm-hearted thankful smile formed on her face as she gave a slight nod to inform the brunette that she got it, that she could finally see it. She knew that Santana would never say these things out loud but this was a lot better than any conversation could ever be.

Santana mumbled a quiet "thank you" when the people in the bar applauded her performance and went back towards their table where Quinn stood up and took her in her arms right away, not knowing how else to thank her for that.

"You gonna sing now or will you chicken out again, Fabray?"

"Just when I thought I could like you, S. Really, you make it so damn easy to hate you, you know that?"

"Just keeping it real, you know? Whatever, what about you Berry? Up for some singing?"

The diva flinched a little when thinking of her performance the week before and noticed Quinn, who stood next to her chair, tense probably thinking of exactly the same thing.

"I think I will pass this week but maybe next week again," she answered, slightly uncomfortable when she saw the Latina's eyes widen in surprise.

The blonde turned around and looked at her reassuringly. "You should sing. I already missed yesterday's performance. Just go up there and sweep everyone off their feet," she told her, her smile still half forced.

"I'm not so sure, Quinn."

"I know you want to. If you could, you would perform 24/7, Rach," she told her and the smile grew in sincerity.

"Okay," the tiny brunette answered quietly before walking to the stage where one of her male classmates currently performed an amazing rendition of Bryan Adams' "I'm ready".

She talked to the man next to the stage briefly and when her classmate walked down the stage, she quickly took hold of him and asked him to join her with his guitar. He took his chair back on stage, sat down and started to play.

_Darling  
you're hiding in the clouds once again,  
start smiling  
I know you're trying  
real hard not to turn your head away  
pretty darling  
face tomorrow, tomorrow is not yesterday **_

The diva locked eyes with the blonde sitting at the table again and smiled at her while continuing with her song.

_Pretty please  
I know it's a drag  
wipe your eyes and put up your head  
I wish you could be happy instead  
There's nothing else I can do  
But love you the best that I can **_

If possible, in that moment, Quinn fell in love with the girl even more. Seeing her on stage again – without feeling threatened or accused all the while like she did the week prior – was intoxicating. She had always loved to see Rachel perform and this was definitely no different.

_You're not the only one who's been through  
I've been there alone and now so are you  
I just want you to know, want you to know it's not your fault **_

All throughout the song Rachel kept looking at her and never before had Quinn been so thankful for the concept of forgiving. Never before had she felt the need to be forgiven as much as right then and there with those chocolate brown eyes locked on her, those lips _singing for her_.

After returning from stage, Rachel was even more adamant on hearing her sing and after yet another round of discussions the blonde finally gave up and rose from her seat. She just started walking, when Kurt stopped her with a hand on her wrist. "Promise me you won't sing something depressing, too. There's only so much I can take. Just sing the theme song of the Care Bears or something. I don't care what, just not another overly emotional song, please." The blonde merely winked at him and continued on her way.

After the girl on stage finished her Shania Twain number that had the whole bar clapping and laughing, Quinn went up and sat down behind the piano.

"Awesome, I knew I couldn't trust a blonde chick," Kurt grumbled under his breath.

He was rather surprised when the blonde started singing. It took him a while to recognize the song seeing as it sounded rather different with the piano but he smiled nevertheless.

_We are taking it easy but breezy,  
And we are living it up just fine and dandy.  
We are caught in a haze on these lazy summer days  
Spending all of our nights just laughing and kissing _

_And it really doesn't matter that we don't eat  
And it really doesn't matter if we never sleep  
No it really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at all _

'_Cause we are so young now, we are so young, so young now  
And when tomorrow comes, we'll just do it all again ***_

The blonde smiled lazily behind the microphone attached to the piano. It had been quite a while since she last performed and it felt so good to do it again. The insecurity she thought she'd feel was gone as she sat down behind the piano. She was not one to stand bare behind a microphone like she has to do quite often in Glee club. She simply wasn't comfortable with that but she could manage with her piano.

When her eyes connected with those of the brunette, she tried to show her just how much she was trying to be careless every once in a while, the smile on her face never quite fading.

_We are chasing the moon  
Just running wild and free  
And we are following through  
Every dream, and every need ***_

When she walked back to the table she was stopped halfway by an enormous hug from Rachel. "You were wonderful, Quinn." And wonderful was exactly how the blonde felt with the diva in her arms. Because for once she could just shut up her brain and forget about therapy and her legs and her chest and her doctor's appointments. For once it didn't matter what happened tomorrow and for just a few minutes she could forget what the doctor had told her just that morning. She felt calm and serene. She felt completely at ease, almost free. She felt happy.

**Callbacks-Update! ;) Longest chapter so far but that's due to the three songs used. I don't think I ever wrote anything that had three songs in one chapter ;) Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the calm before the storm. I thought we could use a break from the drama :) Little promo for next chapter: Will be one week later and focus on the end of the world! ;) Let me know if you liked the chapter. I always love reading your thoughts!  
**

**Songs used:  
**

*** LeAnn Rimes - Please Remember  
**

**** Avril Lavigne - Darlin'  
**

***** The Corrs - So Young  
**


	15. End of the world OR Perfection

_My best friend gave me the best advice  
He said each day's a gift and not a given right  
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind  
And try to take the path less traveled by  
That first step you take is the longest stride *_

* * *

On Thursday morning Santana and Quinn sat across from each other in the kitchen silently enjoying breakfast before Quinn had to leave for her doctor's appointment.

"Can I ask you something?" Quinn finally interrupted the comfortable silence between them.

"Ask away," the brunette answered, almost bored.

"Are you okay, S?"

"Was that the question?"

"No," the blonde said warily, suddenly alarmed at her best friend's obvious foul mood.

"Then ask your other question."

"Well, I was searching for apartments lately and I…well, I found a nice one on Tuesday…" the blonde trailed off, looking down at her bowl of cereal.

"That wasn't a question, Fabray. How the hell did you ever get into Yale?"

"Right," the blonde said, shaking her head, not even realizing that the brunette had insulted her. "I talked to Dr. Bennett about the apartment and she said that-"

"Don't you have better things to talk about when you're at the crazy doctor? I mean seriously, you're paying her to talk about stupid apartments?"

"No, I mean yes. Ugh," she grumbled frustrated. This so wasn't like her. Why was this so hard? And why did Dr. Bennett have to bring this up anyway? "It came up because she knows I'm transferring to New York and she said…" again Quinn stopped. She tried to straighten her posture and looked up to see curious dark brown eyes staring back at her. "She said it might be better if I didn't live alone," she sighed out.

Santana's eyes widened with shock and amusement at the same time. "Wait, wait, wait! Are you asking me to move in with you, Fabray? Seriously? Oh my God, this is priceless. Absolutely fucking priceless."

"Can you just answer, Santana?" the blonde was irritated. Extremely irritated. She just wanted this over with. She was absolutely out of her element.

"You still didn't ask a question, Q," she said with a smile on her face despite her bad mood. The Latina enjoyed this way too much to give it up before getting one more punch in.

"Fine! Do you want to live with me, Santana?" Quinn was bordering on furious. She hated being mocked by Santana. She had always hated it.

"I'll consider it. I want to see the apartment first," the brunette said nonchalantly before taking a bite of her sandwich and dismissing their conversation. "You never told me about your first appointment with the specialist last week. What did he say?"

"They can't say much yet" the blonde answered, quickly changing the topic. "Will you tell me what's wrong now, San?"

"Can you stop calling me that?" The Latina seemed furious all of a sudden and the blonde didn't understand where she had gone wrong. Santana never had a problem with her calling her by her nickname. She used it all the time.

"What? Why?"

"Just stop it, okay?" And then it hit her.

"Santana, is this about Brittany?"

"Shut up, Fabray," cursed, her words lacking their usual bite. "Just shut the fuck up!" All the cuss words in the world wouldn't be enough to hide the broken tone of her voice and the tears quickly building up in her eyes.

"What brought this on, S?"

The brunette didn't answer though. She stood up, placed her plate on the kitchen counter, with half of her sandwich still on it and turned to leave the kitchen.

"Santana, wait!"

"She didn't send anything, okay? She didn't give me a present this month. She's moved on and I want her to but knowing that she actually did…it hurts, okay? Are you happy now?" The Latina had stopped but she hadn't turned around while talking.

"I'm really-"

"Don't. Just leave me alone." And with that she went to her bedroom and slammed the door shut.

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Rachel was just about finished with breakfast when there was a knock on the apartment door. She frowned slightly, not expecting anyone but stood up anyway and walked towards the large door. She opened it with effort and looked at the mailman who stood in front of her with a rather large box. "A package for Rachel Berry?"

"Yes, that's me," the brunette answered rather confused.

"Please sign here."

After signing, Rachel took the package and went back inside the apartment, placing it on the kitchen counter before opening it. Folded carefully, the box contained a black elegant dress with a post it saying "Wear me tonight". She cautiously took it out to look at it more closely. It was beautiful. Whoever sent this definitely had taste. Noticing the note left in the box, she placed the dress over the back of the kitchen chair to grab the note.

_If tomorrow never comes, there is only one person that I would want to spend my last night with!_

The words made her heart flutter without asking for permission. The note wasn't signed, nor was there any more information on it.

Still extremely confused, Rachel glanced at the watch hanging in the kitchen. Noticing the time, she laid the box the note and the dress on her bed and grabbed her jacket and purse before leaving the apartment. This would have to wait. She had classes to attend after all.

Deciding to get a coffee first and maybe hoping to unintentionally run into Quinn there, she entered the café and breathed in the distinct smell of all sorts of coffees. When it was her turn the woman behind the counter looked at her intensely. "You're Rachel Berry, right?"

The brunette was beyond confused now. Could this morning get any weirder? "Yes," she said but it sounded more like a question.

"I was told to give you this," the waitress said and handed her a coffee as well as note.

"Okay," she accepted the cup and the note warily. "What do I owe you for this?"

"Nothing, it's already been paid for," the dark haired woman told her.

"Can you tell me by whom?"

"No, I was asked not to tell you. Have a nice day," the brunette ended the conversation, smiling at her warmly.

"Yeah, you too." She turned around, left the café and stopped after stepping into the cold air to open the note she still held in her right hand, the coffee in her left forgotten for now.

_If the world would end tomorrow, I wouldn't want to die without having been on at least one date with you._

Again, the note wasn't signed and even though she knew who she wanted it to be from, she didn't dare hope without knowing. Sipping on her coffee, she was surprised when the familiar taste of hazelnut attacked her gustatory sense. She felt her heart flutter again at the prospect of this person knowing her coffee order.

After a rather uneventful Dance 101 lesson with Cassandra July, she went towards her bag and stopped when she found a white gardenia placed on it and a yet another note beneath it. She looked around quickly, hoping to see who had placed it there but found that except for Ms July and a student that was talking to her, she was the only one left in the room.

_The gardenia, a symbol of beauty, because to me you are the most beautiful woman in the world._

_Now, I am well aware that the world will not end tomorrow but let's pretend for one second it would so that I'll have the courage to go through with this. If there would be no tomorrow, I would want to spend my last night with you. I would want to spend my last night being on a date with you because I've wanted to ask you out for a very long time. If you think that this is something you would want too, meet me at 77__th__ station at 7pm. I'll be waiting for you. _

By now Rachel was sure who these gifts were from, even though the note again wasn't signed. The gardenia! She knew exactly what it meant and she knew that it had been left out on purpose. She knew what it meant because she had been the one to tell Finn to get one as a wrist corsage for Quinn for their junior prom. Secret love. She felt a watery smile form on her lips as she read the note over and over again.

"Someone looks happy," Cassandra commented when she walked up behind the brunette. "A gardenia. Now that's surprisingly original. Having a secret admirer, Schwimmer?"

"Maybe," the brunette answered still in another world, her thoughts going haywire, her brain working at full blast. This was just too good to be true.

"I thought you and Brody were getting it on," the blonde tried to sound overly bored, while actually being extremely interested.

"Who says this isn't from Brody?"

"If it was, there wouldn't be a gardenia. There'd be a rose. He's a guy in college after all. Also there wouldn't be some mushy note. He would have probably asked you out by song. And I might have seen who left it, and it definitely didn't look like Brody," the blonde answered, finishing off with a wink.

A soft smile played on the brunette's lips. She didn't need to ask because she knew, she _knew_ and she couldn't remember the last time someone had gone through so much trouble for her. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt so appreciated and adored. And the fact that Cassandra had basically just pointed out that it wasn't a guy who had left it, vanished whatever little doubt she still had. "It's not mushy," she said defensively yet quietly. "It's beautiful," she added with a sigh, storing the note away in her bag and turning to leave with the gardenia still in hand.

"Whatever you say, Schwimmer!"

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Quinn was running around the apartment like a mad woman and frankly it was getting on Santana's nerves. She was done with this. The blonde had blocked the bathroom for an hour, then tried on seven different dresses, obviously all new ones, seeing as there were shopping bags laying all around the couch, and now that she had finally chosen a dress, she kept running around between the couch and the bathroom.

"Quinn, will you just calm the fuck down," the Latina yelled at her friend from the sofa, where she was desperately trying to distract herself with some silly reality show.

"What if she doesn't show up, S? Or what if she does show up and I screw everything up again? What if she doesn't know that she'll be meeting me? Should I have signed the cards?"

"Calm your titts. Berry is all gay for Fabray, no need to worry. And trust me, she knows."

"How can you be so sure? What if she expects Brody?"

"Really, Fabray? First of all, the gardenia was far from subtle and secondly, you are as corny and nerdy as it gets. The last note practically screamed 'Quinn Fabray'! Since when do you get nervous because of some silly date? You are usually so sure of yourself, Q. You're the queen of self-confidence!"

"Because I never cared, okay? That's why. But now I do care. This is my last chance, Santana. If I mess up again, she won't give me another one. I've had too many already. She might not even come and I wouldn't blame her."

"She will be there! And Berry will always give you another chance. She gave you a thousand already in high school."

"We're not in high school anymore, Santana."

"I know, Quinn," the Latina said rather quietly. "Look, just calm down a little. I'm sure she will be there. I mean you're Rachel and Quinn. If you can't make it, then no one can!"

"Funny, that's what I always thought about-" and she stopped because she realized that her friend stared at her, begging her not to end the sentence. "I'm sorry, Santana. I didn't think. I'm sorry!"

"It's okay. Now leave or you're gonna be late for your End-of-the-world-date!"

"Alright. If you need anything, call me okay?"

"Sure! Now go and get your girl, blondie!"

xxxxxxxxxx

To say Quinn was nervous was more than just an understatement. She stood at 77th station with a black coat over her graceful mossy green dress that fell to her feet easily, nervously wringing her hands while trying to look around subtly. It was exactly 7pm and Rachel wasn't here. This was definitely a bad sign. Rachel is never late. The blonde had come fifteen minutes early just because she was afraid that the brunette would get there before her. Rachel Berry is not late, not ever.

The former cheerleader felt panic rise within her. Maybe it was already too late. She had had her chances. She had had more chances than she deserved. Maybe leaving Rachel behind in that bathroom was the final straw. Maybe the brunette had had enough. Maybe the final straw was disappearing for months without talking to anyone apart from her mother. Maybe she had misinterpreted the way the diva acted around her and she just wanted to be friends now. Was she that off? She had always felt off her game around Rachel. But could she really have been so wrong? Breathing became slightly uncomfortable when she realized that Rachel wouldn't come. A lone tear made its way down her left cheek and fell onto her joined hands.

Just when she was about to take out her cell to cancel their dinner reservations at Candle 79, she saw her standing about ten feet across from her and froze. The brunette didn't move either. She simply stood there, staring at her. She was beautiful, breathtakingly beautiful and the dress she had chosen was perfect. Quinn didn't know when the diva had walked over to her but she suddenly felt a glove covered hand brush away the streak that the tear had left behind. A second later the brunette's scent hit her, her mouth right next to her ear. "Breathe, Quinn." And she did. She breathed her in completely and she felt like fainting because this was perfect. Rachel was perfect. This is what perfection had to feel like because she couldn't find any words to describe this moment.

"You look amazing, Rachel!" And she did. More than amazing. Perfect.

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Santana still sat on the couch in her living room, switching through channels, desperately trying to keep busy, when there was a knock on her apartment door. Frowning, she got up and walked towards her door. When she opened the door, she felt the remote of the TV leave her hands and drop to the wooden floor.

Only a second later she felt arms circle around her waist and felt herself respond to the hug, as if on auto pilot. Strong arms lifted her slightly and twirled her around a few times before setting her down again. When they pulled back, crystal blue eyes locked on her own dark ones, she felt as if all words had left her brain. She didn't know what to think, didn't know what to say. She felt as if her whole body had shut down from shock. Was this what a heart attack felt like?

"Sanny, say something! Aren't you happy to see me?"

"I-" How to form words?

"Are you okay?"

"What-" again words failed her. Did she have a brain tumor? It had to be. There were no words, only chaos. "What are you-" almost, almost a full sentence. "Why?" That was good, right?

"Maybe you should sit down, Santana? Can I come in?"

A simple nod. She could do that. She could nod. A slight smile, nervous. Okay, more like a grimace. Walking. Could she walk? She went towards the couch and heard the door close behind her. Obviously, she could walk. She sat down and took a deep breath.

"Why are you-" next to her the couch dipped and the TV remote was placed onto the table in front of them.

"I didn't want to spend another Friday night alone."

"It's Thursday," she answered stupidly. It was Thursday, right?

"I know. But Sam told me that some Marian culture decided that the world would end tomorrow, so I thought Thursday would be just as good."

"They're Mayans Brittany, and the world won't end tomorrow."

"I know that. Coach Beiste told me."

"I don't understand this Brit," the Latina said desperately, staring at her hands and shaking her head constantly. "I don't understand it."

"Can we just pretend that the world _will_ end tomorrow?" The blonde kneeled down in front of Santana, taking her hands in hers. Perfection.

"Why?"

"Because if it would, I would make sure that I'd die in your arms and I want to be in your arms again. So can we just pretend that this is our last night? Can we just be together for one more night? Can we? I don't want to be you and me anymore. Can we be us again?"

"Brittany, we've talked about this." Tears. Why were there always tears? Can't they just leave her alone?

"No, honey, we didn't. You did. You talked. You decided," the blonde said while whipping away the brunette's tears and cupping her right cheek gently.

She grabbed her bag and pulled out a CD case with a picture of them on the front and placed it on the brunette's lap. Santana didn't know the picture but she knew that it must have been taken on Valentine's Day in senior year.

"This month's present. Tina took this picture. She gave it to me last week," the blonde said quietly. "These are songs that defined us. Each one of them holds one special moment. Artie helped me make it so I wouldn't end up with only a playlist again."

Turning the CD around, the brunette found songs that meant the world to her: "Landslide", "Songbird", "Cherish", "Dance with somebody", "If I can't have you", "Take my breath away", "There are worse things I could do". She didn't know the first song however. Stupidly she pointed at it and looked at the blonde. "Which moment is this one?"

"Today," the blonde answered simply. She stood up and placed the CD into the stereo. She slowly walked towards the Latina and smiled at her. "Can I have this dance?"

_It's the last night on earth before the great divide  
My hands are shaking time was never on our side  
And there's no such thing as a beautiful goodbye  
As an ordinary day I prayed for you a thousand times_

_It's never enough_  
_No matter how many times I tried to tell to tell you this is love**_

Santana merely stared at her and the hand that was stretched towards her, ready to lift her up, ready to pull her out of her misery. "Please, Santana!" And how could she say no? How could she ever say no to _Brittany_? She took the pale hand in front of her, her hands shaking and out of control and let the blonde pull her towards the middle of the living room, taking both of her hands and placing them on her shoulder.

_If tomorrow never comes I want you to know right now that I  
I'm gonna love you until the day I die  
If tomorrow falls asleep can you hold me first  
I'm gonna love you like it's the last night on earth  
Like it's the last night on earth**_

Blue eyes searched dark brown for an answer to the unspoken question but all they found was sadness and sorrow. She slowly loosened her grip on the tanned hands and led her fingers trail down until she held the woman in front of her firmly in her arms.

_A penny for your thoughts  
A picture so it lasts  
Let's knock down the walls of immortality  
Your fingers on my skin only you can hear my fear  
Only you can help me heal  
I see forever with you here_

_It's never enough no matter how many miles stand between us this is love_ _**_

The Latina was stunned. She was speechless, motionless. She couldn't move an inch. She had fought so hard. She had fought so hard to let her go, to give her her best chance. She had tried so hard not to run back to her. And now here she found herself in the blonde's arms yet again.

_The afterglow  
The horizon line  
The shadows fall  
Will you still be mine  
Will you still be mine  
Will you still be mine I ask**_

The blonde's questioning eyes never left hers and she wanted to say something. She wanted to tell her how much this meant to her, how much she had wanted this again, how much she had longed for it. But she didn't know how. No words could ever be enough. And when the blonde's lips softly touched hers, she knew for sure that she held perfection in her arms.

xxxxxxxxxx

"How did you find this place? It's amazing!"

"I might have done some research during the past few days and I might have eaten in quite a few vegan restaurants after we had coffee last weekend," the blonde answered, a constant smile plastered on her face.

"Thank you," the brunette said sincerely, a slight blush covering her cheeks. "How was your appointment this morning?"

"Rachel, can we not talk about doctors today? I don't want to ruin an evening like this," the blonde tried to deflect.

"Nothing could make this evening anything less than perfect, Quinn."

"I just-"

"Rachel?"

The blonde looked behind the diva to see who had disturbed them. She wasn't sure if she wanted to thank or kill him but when she noticed who it was, she knew for sure that it was the latter.

"Brody! What are you doing here?"

"I'm here with Cassandra. She called me in the morning and asked me if I wanted to have dinner with her," he said, pointing towards a table in the corner of the restaurant. "Are you on a date?"

The blonde almost saw red already and stared at her almost finished food to stop herself from being rude. She heard a hesitant "yes" come from the brunette and wished she had heard a convincing "hell yes" instead.

"So you won't give me a chance but blondie here gets one? Why?"

"May I remind you that you're on a date with my teacher right now, Brody."

"That's different. Cassandra and I are only-"

"What? Friends with benefits?"

"That was once. We're just friends. I can't believe you. You won't even give me one chance and the blonde chick gets chances thrown at her over and over again for free. I thought you had finally left that behind you when you sang that song at Callbacks two weeks ago."

"Brody, can we just talk about this another time? Please?"

"Sure, someone who _actually_ likes spending time with me is waiting over there," he said before leaving.

Rachel hesitantly turned towards the blonde, who had turned awfully quiet throughout the exchange. "Quinn?" She noticed the former cheerleader breathe heavily, focusing on every single breath. She heard her mumble something that sounded a lot like "He's right" and grabbed her hands, trying to get her to look at her. "Quinn, can you hear me?"

The blonde simply mumbled something incoherently again and stood up but before the brunette could stop her she saw her legs give out. "Quinn!"

Everything was a blur. Rachel heard someone scream at a waiter. "Call 911!" She fell to her knees next to the blonde and placed her head on her lap, slowly running her fingers through Quinn's hair and whispering at her to wake up. Cassandra and Brody were standing next to her but all she could focus on was Quinn. When the ambulance arrived she noticed her teacher and friend pull her away from the blonde and numbly watched on as the paramedics leaned over her.

* * *

**So, I'm not much of a romantic but I hope it was satisfactory :) Also, Brittana! You're wishes are my commands...sometimes ;) **  
**Tell me if you liked it!  
**

***Nickelback - If Today Was Your Last Day  
**

****Delta Goodrem - Last Night on Earth  
**


	16. Magical

"_A naked blade hid nothing, feared nothing. She wanted to be like that. Because that was how you found yourself, created yourself. You didn't hide. You didn't wait for the perfect moment to settle on you like a butterfly, like magic._

_You went out and _made _magic. Made your own wishes come true." _

– _Sarah Cross, __Kill Me Softly –_

* * *

Quinn continued to stare at her hands and noticed how they started to tremble, while listening to the exchange going on. This was one of these moments that she felt the need to escape. She felt on display. She felt judged and with just a few of the boys' words the weight of her actions in high school and after graduation came tumbling down on her with full force, burying her in her mistakes, her past. It painfully reminded her of the day Lauren had exposed _Lucy_ to the whole school. It made her feel sick. It reminded her that no matter how hard she tried, she can't erase her past and neither can she escape. It has always kept hunting her. Lucy, Franny, Beth, the head cheer leader and _Rachel_. She had tried to bury her past but somehow the ghosts always come back to chase her, ready to carry out her sentence. She tried to atone but maybe there are things you simply can't be forgiven for. There's a limit to everything and maybe this was hers. She watched the shaking of her hands getting worse and let her sweaty palms grasp the awfully bright white table cloth.

She had felt anger at first when Brody had approached them but it had quickly turned over into shame. Her head felt like it might explode any second and for just a second she wished that this was in fact her last night. That she could suck up the time she had spent with Rachel, the glances they had shared, the little touches of Rachel's hands on hers – gosh, how she wished the brunette would stop her hands from shaking so violently – and the slight smile that had graced her full rosy lips all evening. But then again, this already felt like dying and it didn't feel good in any way. She felt her chest literally tighten, her breath becoming quicker and only coming out in small puffs. She tried to remember the techniques that her doctor had talked about, ways to calm down her breathing. Desperately, she made her right hand close around the cross that still hung from her neck, trying to find strength in it.

For a moment she grabbed the material of her dress, ready to rip it off because it felt like it was smothering her but just like that she felt nausea overcome her and the first signals of her food making a return and slowly lowered her hand to the table again, grabbing the edges of it. She knew she needed to focus. The doctor said if she can bring herself to focus on her every breath as if learning to do something everyone else does naturally and without any effort she can fight off the panic that comes with not being able to breathe and get her breathing back to normal. But she didn't even know if she had panicked because of her breathing problem or if she had problems breathing because of the panic within her.

She heard a voice somewhere far off or was it? The noise of her own breathing overshadowed whatever noise there was. There probably wasn't even any air left for her to breathe in, which meant she needed out. She needed air, fresh air. She needed to cool down too because she could feel sweat running down her back and the palms of her hands were probably soaking the blinding white table cloth. She used the last bit of strength she could muster up and pushed her hands on the table, pushing herself into a standing position. An unthinkable dizziness made itself known in her head and she could feel her fingers and toes tingling, the prickling sensation slowly unfurling all over her body. Before she could undo her mistake and sit back down, her legs surrendered under her weight. The last thing she saw before blackness took her over was the sickeningly white table cloth and the ever nearing dark wooden floor.

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Rachel had been walking up and down the hall waiting for news on the blonde for what felt like hours. It had probably only been a few minutes but she needed information. She needed it yesterday. She had never been patient but what she was feeling right now was not due to impatience, it was painful. She had called Kurt after Cassandra and Brody had driven her to the hospital and was hoping he'd arrive soon because she wanted those two gone as soon as possible. When Kurt entered the Emergency Room and ran up to her, she turned around without greeting her best friend and addressed the blonde, intentionally avoiding Brody.

"You can leave now. Thank you for driving me to the hospital, Ms July. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry for ruining your evening," the singer forced out and nodded at her teacher one more time before turning to Kurt.

"Rachel, wait!"

"Brody, I swear if you do not leave right now, I will not be held responsible for what I do. Get lost before I lose myself," she said, her voice having lost all kindness.

She heard a sigh followed by footsteps and felt relief take over her body. Turning around she fell into her best friends and let silent tears fall, his arms building a shell around her, the perfect place to hide and never be seen again.

"Ms Berry?" And just as fast as she had found his arms, she left them again and spun around to face the doctor. "I'm Dr. Hoffman. I was told you're here with Ms Quinn Fabray. Is that right?" She nodded stupidly, not trusting her voice for once.

"We took control of her breathing and stabilized her breathing rate. Her breathing problems must have caused a panic attack. Luckily the fall wasn't too bad and her ribs weren't fractured again. It did cause a crack to her already injured sternum though."

When Rachel still hadn't found her voice again, Kurt spoke up instead of her. "So, what does that mean?"

"We called in the specialist that she's seeing. He works at our hospital. He told us that her last fall had caused a lot of complications and that he started working with her last week."

"Is she okay, Dr. Hoffman?" The singer was shocked to hear how small her voice sounded.

"She'll be fine. You can go see her now."

The brunette hesitated for a second, frightened eyes locking with Kurt's. He offered a slight smile and took her in his arms one more time. "Go in there. I'll call Santana and wait for her here. She'll freak if we don't call her," he whispered with a little hint of humor in his voice.

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This was different, Santana noticed. Laying in her bed with Brittany's arms tightly around her and her head resting on the dancer's chest, she realized just how much things had changed throughout the years. She used to have her arms wrapped around the blonde, shielding and protecting her from the cruelty of the world and now here she was broken and crumbled, in desperate need for the safety and shelter that Brittany's arms offered.

This was different in so many ways. From best friends with benefits to lovers. From children, to teenagers and now on their blinding way to adulthood. They've been through it all; they've been through it together. Now here she was wrapped up in the cheerleader's arms still fully dressed, searching for a comfort that she hadn't felt in weeks, maybe even months, she realized just how much she had changed. And she wondered how the blonde could have loved her through it all.

Just when she was about to break their comfortable silence, her phone went off for the third time in a short time on the living room table.

"San?"

"Yeah?"

"You should really see who it is. It could be important," the blonde told her, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I know. You're right," she sighed because Brittany was always right and even if she wasn't, Santana was ready to kill whoever dared to say it out loud.

Slowly she untangled herself from the girl she loved with all her heart and ran off towards her phone, glaring at it as soon as she saw the caller ID.

"What do you want Hummel?"

"I'm sorry for disturbing you but-"

"Come to the point Lady Lips, I don't have forever."

"It's Quinn. She's in the hospital. She collapsed in the restaurant," the boy answered with a sigh, ignoring the Latina's rudeness.

"Santana?"

"I'll be right there," the brunette choked out before dropping her phone to the floor.

"Sweety, is everything okay?" The blonde came up behind her ex girlfriend and softly touched her shoulder, when she realized that she won't get an answer. "Sanny?"

"Q's in the hospital," the Latina simply said. Without further ado, she picked up her phone, went towards the door and grabbed her jacket. "I have to go," she called over her shoulder, her keys already in hand.

"Santana, wait!" The brunette stopped and turned around, holding back the tears that began to fill her eyes, looking at the blonde with desperation clearly written over her face. "I'll come with you."

xxxxxxxxxx

When Rachel entered the hospital room and saw the blonde on the bed motionless but awake, simply staring out of the window, she felt relief wash over her and let out a little sigh. Silently she walked to the bed and waited for the former cheerleader to face her but she didn't. She kept her eyes fixed on the window that showed nothing but some naked tree tops, the branches fighting against the heavy wind in the dark, only illuminated by the light coming from the hospital room.

"Quinn?" It was only a whisper for she felt as if everything this moment held could break from the smallest impact. She was afraid of how breakable the former head cheerleader looked in that hospital bed. She didn't get an answer at all and the relief she had felt just seconds ago was gone and replaced by new worry quickly forming inside of her, laying heavy on her chest, claiming her.

She slowly walked around the bed, careful not to startle the blonde with her presence. Had she even heard her come in and speak to her? She stopped on the right side at the foot of the bed and noticed the forlorn look in the girl's eyes. "Quinn, are you okay?" Stupid question. Just stupid. Of course she's not okay. She collapsed in the middle of the restaurant. Stupid.

"I'm fine," was the mumbled response she received. "I'm fine," this time barely even a whisper and Rachel probably wouldn't have known that something was said if she hadn't seen the blonde's lips move. Sadly, she realized that the girl still hadn't looked at her and instead kept her gaze firmly on the wildly moving branches outside of her window.

Boldly, Rachel took a step forward and took Quinn's right hand in between hers, successfully separating her gaze from the window and instead fixing it on their joined hands. She watched a single tear leave the girl's eyes and wiped it away with the thumb of her right hand, lingering there while still holding Quinn's hand in her left one.

"What are you doing here?" It was so quiet. Rachel was sure if it weren't to their closeness, she wouldn't have heard.

"What do you mean? Where else would I be?"

"You shouldn't be here," a little louder this time with the desperate need to keep the flutter out of her voice.

"There's nowhere else I should be right now but right here next to you, Quinn. This is where I want to be."

"Why? Everything he said was true, Rachel. Everything."

"Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn't matter," the brunette answered simply.

"Of course it matters. How can you even say that, Rachel?" The brunette wasn't used to the hoarseness of the blonde's voice. It sounded foreign but this was still Quinn. It was still _her_ Quinn.

"Do you know what I would want to do if this was my last night?"

The blonde looked up at her, clearly torn between sending her away "for her own good" and pleading for an answer that would heal her aching existence.

When the divas didn't get an answer, she took that as her cue to continue. "I would want to spend my last night in the comfort of your arms; being held by you for at least one night. You wanted tonight to be as if it was our last, right?"

Quinn nodded sorrowfully, another tear escaping her watery eyes. "I'm sorry for ruining it."

"You didn't ruin anything, Quinn. Tonight was still the best date I've ever had."

"You don't have to lie to me just because I'm in this bed, Rachel."

"You said if this was your last night, you'd want to go on a date with me, and you did. You said, you'd want to spend your last night with me, and you did. You made me smile all day with little gestures and then you brought me to the best and most romantic vegan restaurant in New York City. Now all you have to do for it to be perfect is to make my wish come true as well," the brunette said as calmly as possible while the fear of rejection ran through her whole body, her eyes shining with nothing but pure hope.

"You want me to hold you?" Quinn seemed shocked by the suggestion but not at all in a bad way. She simply hadn't seen it coming.

After a slide nod from the brunette, the former cheerleader moved a little to the side and raised her blanket to make room for Rachel. The singer shuffled off her shoes and climbed into the hospital bed, still trying to keep a little distance, afraid to make the other girl uncomfortable.

After covering them both, the blonde lay down on her back. "Come here," she whispered softly. "Just try to not place your weight on my chest and ribs." The brunette lay her head on Quinn's shoulder and carefully placed her arm around her waist when feeling the blonde drawing her closer with her right arm, pressing her against her side softly. She let her thumb draw little figures on the taller girl's hip through the hospital gown, feeling her respond by leaning her cheek against the top of the diva's head. As Rachel breathed her in, the smell of flowers and spring hitting her senses, she felt the beauty of this moment wash over her and consume her whole being. It was magical.

_If tomorrow falls asleep can you hold me first  
I'm gonna love you like it's the last night on earth*_

xxxxxxxxxx

Quinn didn't know how long they had been laying like this, just holding each other. She was sure that at this point Rachel was close to falling asleep. The movement of her thumb was getting slower and losing rhythm. She couldn't remember ever feeling this content, this happy. The only memory that came close were right after Beth was born and placed into her arms but she was sweaty and in pain and the bitterness of not being able to keep her had casted a shadow over that memory. In this moment though, all she felt was pure happiness despite the slight ache in her chest and the pain that breathing in deeply still caused her. It was as if they were surrounded by a magical bliss created by their warm embrace. It was as if they were surrounded by a magical bliss created by their warm embrace. She turned her head a little, burying her face in Rachel's hair to breathe in more of the fruity scent that her shampoo had obviously left.

The brunette's grip on her hip tightened a little in response to the gesture but she didn't speak up, didn't dare to break the spell they were under. Someone else did though and the door burst open the next second. Rachel flinched slightly but didn't move from her position. Quinn looked towards the door and was a little shocked by who was standing in the door frame. The Latina looked at her with a mix of worry and anger but that wasn't what had shocked Quinn. The blonde standing right behind her friend however didn't seem to notice her friend's state and pushed past Santana to get to her bed. "Quinn, I'm so happy to see you!"

"Britt, what are you doing here?"

"I came to visit Sanny," she answered with a bright smile on her face as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I would like to hug you but I don't think I can with Rachel being there," the tall dancer said with a sad frown in place.

When hearing her name, the diva lifted herself up a little and Quinn reluctantly loosened her hold on her. "Hey Brittany, it's nice to see you," Rachel said while rubbing the tiredness from her eyes. She slowly placed her feet on the ground and stood up. "I'll go get some coffee with Kurt. I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?" The blonde nodded slowly and Rachel bent down to press her lips to the girl's forehead before walking towards the door and leaving the room after passing the Latina who still stood firmly in the door frame and acknowledging her with a little nod.

When she left the room, Kurt looked at her apologetically. "I tried to stop them but you know how Santana can get," he said with a light smile. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I think I am. Would you like to get some coffee with me?"

"Sure," the boy answered.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Santana?" Quinn was getting a little scared because her friend still hadn't said anything even after Brittany had hugged her and told her how much she had missed her.

"You're stupid Fabray."

"I know," was all the former head cheerleader answered, knowing that it would be pointless to argue with the brunette right now. "I'm sorry for worrying you."

"You're stupid!"

"Sweety, stop being mean! Just come here and close the door," Brittany, who was now sitting on the hospital bed, said and when Santana came closer to her, she offered her hand to take and tried to give her some comfort.

The Latina didn't say anything for a few minutes and is was quiet except for the regular beat of the machines attached to Quinn. Santana simply stared at her friend angrily the whole time until finally letting loose with a sigh. "You scared the hell out of me, Q."

"I know. I'm really sorry, San."

After a while, Quinn spoke up again with a smile on her lips. "So, what exactly does this mean," she said motioning to the still joined hands of her two best friends.

The Latina rolled her eyes. "Not now, Q," but what she really wanted to say was "I don't know what it means." Instead she changed the subject. "Can you go home tonight?"

"No, they want to keep me here for the night. If everything's fine they'll let me go home tomorrow after my doctor was here to check on me again."

"Oh, okay. Well, Britts and I will go home now and pick you up as soon as you give me a call tomorrow, okay? I'm sure the hobbit will freak if we don't leave soon."

"Sanny, be nice."

"Sure Britt-Britt."

"Thanks for coming, San."

"Sure thing. Good night Q!"

* * *

**No cliffhanger this time. Just trying to be nice for once ;) I am so amazed by how many people are actually reading and following this story. Thank you so much. This means the world to me! I hope you all liked the chapter. As always leave a little review and let me know what you thought or if you have any wishes :) You're the best! **

***Delta Goodrem - Last night on earth  
**


	17. Nemesis, rival and hope

**So, this will be the last chapter for a little while. I'm leaving Germany in only a few hours because I'll spend half a year in Los Angeles doing an internship at a bilingual school. I promise to update as soon as possible but it'll take at least a little while to settle down in LA. Anyway, enjoy the chapter!**

"_I wear the chain I forged in life...I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it."  
– Charles Dickens, __A Christmas Carol –_

* * *

When Quinn woke up, Rachel still lay against her side, however weirdly, with her hair covering her face and most of Quinn's shoulder as well and her arm thrown rather carelessly over Quinn's middle. Quinn breathed in the scent that was so thoroughly Rachel and used her right hand to carefully remove the auburn hair from Rachel's face. Gladly, the brunette didn't awake from the action and Quinn simply savored the possibility to watch the sleeping form of the girl next to her.

A few minutes later the door opened and Dr. Hoffman walked in with her specialist Dr. Roberts. She looked up and then down again at the brunette still sleeping cuddled up against her.

"Good morning Quinn," Dr. Roberts, a rather tall, handsome, dark haired man, greeted her with a smile on his face.

"Dr. Roberts, Dr. Hoffman," the blonde answered with a nod towards both of them, trying to keep her voice low in order to not wake up Rachel.

"I talked to Dr. Hoffman and we decided that it would be okay for you to go home today but we'll have to do an additional meeting today."

"I had an appointment with you yesterday already," the blonde said, not at all in the mood to see both her specialist and her therapist in one day. "I have therapy in an hour. When can I leave?"

"We talked to Dr. Bennett and she rescheduled your appointment. You're seeing her at 2pm," Dr. Hoffman told her calmly.

"I want to do a stress echocardiography with you again, Quinn. Dr. Hoffman will discharge you in an hour and then you can just come to my department and we'll do the ECG. After that you can leave and I'll see you again after Christmas."

The blonde felt Rachel stir and frowned unpleased. "Alright, I'll see you later," she answered shortly, making sure that they got the message that she wanted to be left alone. They both nodded and left the room, Dr. Hoffman closing the door behind them.

Quinn watched the brunette slowly open her eyes, squinting slightly when trying to adjust to the bright light in the room. "Good morning," she whispered, a little afraid what things might look like in the bright light of day. She felt Rachel's breath against her shoulder and heard her groan a little before the diva looked up at her with a lazy smile spread over her face. "Good morning, Quinn," she replied quietly. For a while they simply looked at each other, neither daring to speak and break the fragile bond they had formed over the past 24 hours. Quinn realized that she had to get ready for her ECG though and sat up a little.

"When do you get to go home?"

"I'll get discharged in about half an hour and then I'll have to go and see Dr. Roberts and do a stress ECG," the blonde answered, running her hands through her hair, hoping it might look a little less messy.

"Why do you have to do an ECG only one day after fainting? Can't it wait?"

"I did one last week and he probably just wants to see if anything changed since last week to make me faint in the first place."

"I don't like the idea of you being stressed 12 hours after being brought to the hospital," Rachel mumbled, a slight pout forming on her lips. Quinn couldn't help but smile at the singer's expression. "Quinn, there is nothing remotely funny about this situation," Rachel reprimanded her.

"You're right. I'm sorry, Rach. I just couldn't help myself," the blonde commented with a slight shrug, her lips still firmly curved upwards.

"You are incorrigible, Quinn," the brunette said, rolling her eyes, a small smile forming despite her determination to stay serious.

xxxxxxxxxx

"So, I was planning on talking about something else today but in the light of recent events, we should talk about what happened yesterday. Dr. Hoffman informed me that your sternum was cracked again a little. They also said your breathing problem caused the panic attack. Could you maybe, in your own words, tell me what happened yesterday?" Dr. Bennett started as Quinn had settled down in the arm chair across from her, not giving her much time to actually prepare for the session ahead but she was supposed to be used to the sessions by now, right? She silently tightened her grip on the book she held in her hand, glad that Santana had brought it with her when she and Brittany had come to the hospital with a change of clothes and her toiletries. She had calmed herself down by reading in the hospital after her ECG and afterwards when reluctantly using the underground to get to her therapist.

"I fainted in the middle of a restaurant."

"You're being uncooperative, Quinn. We won't get anywhere this way," the brunette answered way too calmly for Quinn's taste.

"How about, I fainted on the most important date of my life? Is that better?"

"Getting there. Let's start with the date. What made it so important?"

"The person I was with made it important. I had everything planned out perfectly and then that stupid asshole Brody had to come and ruin it by pointing out that I don't deserve this chance," the blonde blurted out angrily, clutching the book in her hand.

"Who is Brody?"

"He studies at NYADA with Rachel," Quinn commented drily, not realizing what kind of information she was actually offering until –

"Who is Rachel?"

And then it hit her because she hadn't mentioned Rachel's name to her therapist. She told her about some of the bullying she did and her focus on one person and a talented singer in Glee club but she hadn't really _talked _about her.

"Quinn?"

"I – She – She's a friend from school."

"And she studies here in New York?"

"Yes, she does."

"Okay, so what exactly happened with that Brody guy? What did he say?"

"He didn't even really speak to me. He just told her over and over again how unfair it was that she gave me another chance and never gave him even one chance," she ranted away, the anger slowly taking over inside and crawling through her right beneath her skin. She was sure that if she'd look for it, she'd actually be able to see it happening right there.

"Who were you on a date with, Quinn?"

"I – What? Why does that even – Oh!"

"Quinn, there is no judgment in this room, I promise," the woman opposite her tried to reassure her.

"I – " and this was it because if she couldn't even tell her therapist, then how would she be able to tell everyone else. But she could do this, right? She had told her mother after all. She could do this, couldn't she? She took a deep breath and tried to focus on her breathing. "I was on a date with Rachel," she said with a stutter in her voice.

"Who was Rachel to you in high school?"

"She was in Glee club with me. She was our most talented member and captain," the blonde took the easy way out.

"I see, so that's the girl you were talking about last session. Why did Brody say these things? It sounds like you have a lot of history with Rachel."

"We weren't exactly friends in high school," Quinn admitted hesitatingly, knowing exactly where this was going.

"Why weren't you friends with her if you were in Glee club together?"

"Because she was the school loser and I was the head cheerleader," she answered, the anger making itself known again.

"I see. So, she was also the one you bullied in high school, am I right?"

"Yes."

" 's talk about the date again. Why did you have trouble breathing?"

"Because Brody ruined my perfect date," she fumed.

"Would you say anger causes it then?"

"Maybe," the blonde replied, clinging to her book, hoping desperately that it would calm her down.

"What are you clasping in your hands?"

"A book," she said matter-of-factly.

"Can I see it?" Dr. Bennett reached out kindly, hoping that Quinn would open up just a little further. When Quinn handed her the worn out book she looked at the cover interestedly: _Charles Dickens - A Christmas Carol._ She noticed the markings in the book, too.

"May I?" She pointed to the tags and looked at the blonde who was fidgeting slightly in her seat looking nervous, as if the doctor could read her too if she would let her open her book. Nevertheless, she gave her a small nod.

"_I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach!" _

"What does this quote mean to you?"

"Everything," the blonde shared before continuing. "I've made so many mistakes in the past. I still do. I've been through so much, felt so much pain, I sometimes can't remember how it feels to not be in pain. The past is my nemesis, the present my rival and the future my hope. The first time I read this book, I was still very young. I didn't quite understand it but every year at Christmas, I'd read it again and at some point I started to mark things and the tags keep getting more with every Christmas that passes."

Dr. Bennett was positively surprised by Quinn's rather long answer. "Did you already choose your studies and university, Quinn?"

"No, I was about to call the universities today, why?" Quinn was taken by surprise by the question.

"Maybe you should take literature instead of journalism. Have you ever thought about that?"

"They don't have that combination at NYU," the blonde answered.

"But they do have it at Columbia. I would know because my cousin studied drama and literature at Columbia," the woman across from her told her.

"I was going to take NYU," Quinn replied while shaking her head.

"NYU is not Ivy League."

"Exactly!"

"Just think about it before you call them later. I'll see you next Friday, seeing as my office is closed over Christmas. Just promise me to not make a decision without thinking it through."

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When Rachel had reluctantly left the hospital that morning, just as Santana and Brittany had arrived, she had promised her to come by at her apartment after therapy. She walked towards the apartment and let her thoughts wander. She had decided for NYU simply because she wanted to take away the pressure that came with an Ivy League college. She knew she had a lot on her plate already and NYU just sounded less stressful while also having therapy, physical therapy and her appointments with the specialist, not to forget moving and _Rachel_! She had thought about studying literature a few times though. Books had always been one of her obsessions. They calmed her, helped her deal and took her to far-away places when she desperately needed out. Could she handle Columbia if it meant studying something she was extremely passionate about? Or would it just mean giving into one more obsession?

* * *

**So, this is shorter than the ones before. I'm sorry for that but I'll have to get up again in 4 hours. Please let me know if you like it anyway! Reviews might motivate me to find writing time as soon as possible ;)  
**

**As some of you might have guessed already, next chapter will be the Christmas chapter! Who's going to spend Christmas in NYC? Who's going to Lima? **


	18. Quinn's Christmas Carol

**Hey everyone! I'm all settled over here and ready to spend the next 6 months in this amazing city. I'm sorry it took me so long but as an apology this is the longest chapter so far! Enjoy!**_  
_

_I'll have a blue Christmas without you  
I'll be so blue just thinking about you  
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree  
Won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me*_

* * *

It was still early in the morning on the 24th when Quinn found herself running through Central Park, enjoying the quiet that this time of the day presented her with. The chilling December air was anything but comfortable for her aching legs but it helped cool her sweating body off a little and the fresh morning air helped her breathe in and out smoothly. She kept running, her favorite _Three Days Grace _album blasting through her headphones.

Running had always helped her think; it helped her organize her thoughts, let off steam, tune down her anger and sweat off whatever problems she had at that moment. She had started when she transferred to McKinley and hadn't stopped since.

_I can't escape this hell  
So many times I've tried  
But I'm still caged inside  
Somebody get me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself**_

The months after her accident, when she couldn't move her legs, were the worst time of her life, even worse than her pregnancy. When she was pregnant, she could still go for runs in the first months and when she couldn't anymore, she could at least go for walks and clear her head a little. But being in that wheelchair, her anger ate away at her and there was no way to let it out. In school she pretended to be the happiest person to walk this earth, thankful that she was still alive, while she worked her ass off in physical therapy, hoping that it would give her at least some relief. At home she simply gave in. She had often screamed at her mother in those months, especially when it was still not sure if she would ever be able to walk again. She spent most of her time at home studying because she had missed a lot while she was at the hospital. No one seemed to notice that though. No one ever offered to help her, even if – of course – she wouldn't have taken them up on their offer anyway.

_So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal**_

One of the worst things about being in the wheelchair was pity; the pity that she would see in everyone's eyes. She hated it, so she kept on her brave face and pretended to be fine as soon as she rolled her way into the halls of McKinley. It was the easiest thing to do. Even when Rachel broke down when they were planning their Senior Ditch Day she put on her brave face and did anything she could to make her feel better, even if all she wanted to do was scream; not for the brunette to feel guilty like she did but for the brunette or anyone for that matter to notice that she was not okay. She didn't want pity, she wanted compassion, understanding, someone to talk to.

_I can't escape myself  
So many times I've lied  
But there's still rage inside  
Somebody get me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself**_

A little more than half way through her run, the ache in her legs was getting close to unbearable and she stopped exasperatedly at a bench, leaning down on it instead of taking a seat. This was getting more and more frustrating, she realized. She started stretching her legs, one after the other and bit her lips at the pain it caused her in the beginning. It wasn't as bad when she used to go for runs in the past year because she usually took pain meds right before but the first thing her physical therapist here in New York had told her was to stop taking those and instead make the runs shorter. She was still amazed by her ability to go through Nationals in Chicago and still remember the steps. Sue had her on so many pain meds that she was surprised she was even responsive.

Spending Christmas alone this year wasn't helping her mood either. She had wanted to visit her mother and spend the holidays with her just like Thanksgiving, seeing as their relationship was a lot better these days. Her medical bills however were way too much to pay and even though Quinn and her mother weren't poor, the former cheerleader didn't want to spend too much money before she had found a job in New York. Her mother had told her that Franny would be coming over for Christmas with her husband, which was one more reason for her to not go there; not just because her mother would have some company but also because she usually avoided seeing her sister.

Brittany had asked Santana to join her for Christmas in Lima and the Latina was more than happy to comply. Her parents had already asked her to anyway and it was one more opportunity to try and make things right with her grandmother. She also had a lot to figure out with Brittany, so she had agreed without second guessing her decision. She was surprised however when she found out that the blonde wouldn't be joining them. Santana and Brittany would be leaving around noon and she would be alone until the 27th when Santana and her wanted to take a look at the apartment that she had found.

She still had her loud music blasting in her ears, while she slowly started massaging her thighs and knees, so she didn't notice someone jogging up next to her. She was startled when someone laid a hand on her shoulder. She stood up straight right away and looked at the intruder before letting out a sigh when she recognized the brunette next to her. She took out her earplugs and forced a light smile on her face.

"Are you okay?"

"Sure," she answered through gritted teeth.

"Still having problems?"

"Yeah," she sighed and answered dejectedly. "The cold is really killing me."

"Well, let's get you home. Britts and I want to take you out for breakfast before we leave," the Latina said sadly. "Are you sure you don't want to get a last minute ticket and join us?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm really sorry but I can't."

xxxxxxxxxx

After the both of them had left, Quinn sat down on the couch, lights out with only the cloud darkened late afternoon sky lightening up Santana's apartment. She pulled her legs to her chest and rested her chin on her knees, wallowing in the slight ache in her legs still left from her run and the bitterness that consumed every part of her body. She thought about Scrooge and the quote that Dr. Bennett had read out loud. It was one of her favorites, one of the most important ones for her.

But how could she possibly enjoy Christmas like this? It wasn't just the being alone part that disturbed her. The being alone part was only the trigger. It gave her time to think. And thinking was not something that helped her mood these days. She tried to force good thoughts into her mind, thoughts about Rachel. But with those came thoughts of Brody and fainting in front of Rachel and feeling weak and those were things she didn't want to think about.

In desperate need for some of her own therapy, she rummaged around in her bag, searching for her old worn out copy of Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby", slowly letting her fingers sweep over the battered pages, picking one of the marked pages, opening the book and reading through the marked passage.

"I hope she'll be a fool-that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool... You see, I think everything's terrible anyhow... And I know. I've been everywhere and seen everything and done everything."

This quote always brought tears to her eyes. It's sad to think that knowledge only brings hopelessness and sadness. It's sad that with it you learn the helplessness and cruelty of life. Quinn had seen a lot of things, lived through a lot of things and knew a lot of things but did that make her life any better? Did she feel better that she knew the pain of loss and giving away a child? Did she feel better because she knew what it felt like to _not_ be able to walk? Did she feel better because she now knew the consequences of texting while driving? Did she feel better because she knew how important it is to be able to breathe more than most others do? Did any of her knowledge make her life better, easier? Wouldn't it be easier to be clueless, naïve and foolish?

She was surprised when her cell phone started to ring on the couch table in front of her and even more surprised by the name lighting up her screen.

xxxxxxxxxx

As soon as she heard someone on the other end of the line pick up, Santana didn't waste a second and started talking. "What are you doing for Christmas, midget?"

"Sanny, I told you to be nice!" Santana rolled her eyes at the blonde's request. She didn't have time for nice. "And tell her I said 'hi'!"

"Berry?"

"Yes, I'm there. Excuse me. I was just a little surprised to get a call from you. What can I help you with?"

"Well, answering my question would be a good start. What are you doing for Christmas? Brittany says 'hi' by the way."

"I'll stay in New York with Kurt because he can't afford to go to Lima right now. Burt surprised us earlier with his visit, so the two of them are out right now."

"So, you're alone? That's perfect," the Latina said, not even realizing just _how_ rude that actually sounded.

"I think you don't understand, Santana. I'm not alone. Like I was just saying, Kurt and Burt are here and I will spend the holidays with them. I'm Jewish anyway, so I don't really-"

"Shut it, Berry, I don't have time for this," Santana interrupted her impolitely.

"Well, then why are you-"

"Because I'm going to spend Christmas in Lima with Brittany," the brunette continued.

"That's really nice. I'm glad to hear that you are trying to figure things out. I don't quite get what that has to do with me though," the diva on the other end replied still extremely confused.

"Did you realize that I didn't mention Q coming with us?"

"What are you saying? Is Quinn okay?"

"Q is in my apartment. She's not going home for Christmas."

"Oh," was the singer's only response.

"Exactly! So, can I count on you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I want you to spend Christmas with her, duh! Are you really that dumb Berry?"

"Could you maybe stop insulting me for once? It's really rude, especially if you are asking me a favor. Anyways, I don't know if she would-"

"She won't mind. Quite the opposite. Look, I'm just worried okay? And you owe me for that stunt at Callbacks anyway!"

"I'll have you know that I do not owe you anything, Santana, just so we're clear!"

"Rachel, please! Wouldn't you like spending Christmas with her?"

"Yes, I would. I'll call her as soon as we hang up, okay?"

"Thank you! By the way, I need that asshole Brody's address once I'm back because I'm gonna go all Lima Heights on his sorry ass for ruining Q's perfect date."

"Merry Christmas, Santana," the brunette simply answered.

"Merry Christmas, Rachel!"

xxxxxxxxxx

"Hello?"

"Hey Quinn, it's Rachel! How are you doing?"

"Hey Rachel, I'm-" she paused for a second thinking back to her therapists advice to open up to people but quickly backtracked. "- fine. What about you?"

Rachel noticed the former cheerleader's hesitance but chose to ignore it for the time being. "I'm doing very well. What are your plans for tonight and Christmas?"

"Oh, err, just the usual, you know? I guess I don't have to ask you about Christmas, with you being Jewish, huh?"

"I was actually thinking of maybe celebrating Christmas a little this year. Maybe Seth's idea of Christmukkah is not as bad as I thought."

"Who's Seth? And what's Christmukkah?"

"Seth from The O.C.? He combined Christmas and Hanukkah and made one big holiday out of it," the brunette explained matter-of-factly.

"Okay," the blonde drawled out. "I'm not going to make a mental note about your nerdy side and instead just pretend like I didn't hear that."

"I'll have you know that being a nerd stops being a bad thing once you leave high school. At university it's a good thing to work hard and get good grades. You're thriving for greater things and if it takes being a nerd to accomplish your goals, that's-"

"Your rambling doesn't make it any easier to forget about your nerdy comment," the blonde interrupter her laughing.

"As if Santana bringing you a book to the hospital with one million marked passages in it is any less nerdy, Quinn!"

"Touché!"

"So, what exactly are you up for tonight?"

"Oh, I err-"

"I knew you were lying. But that's okay because as of now you have plans," the brunette butted in. "And they start in about one minute."

"In one minute? How is that possible? I'm alone in San's apartment."

"Not for long," Rachel sing-songed. "You just have to open the door!"

xxxxxxxxxx

When Quinn opened the door, the diva was standing in front of her with her hair curled perfectly wearing a nice and simple short black dress. She hugged her shortly and then welcomed herself, flying through the apartment in a contagious good mood.

After a lovely vegan dinner that Rachel had brought over, the brunette watched Quinn while taking a sip of her red wine. The blonde was watching her in awe across the table, the candles illuminating her pale face in the most beautiful way and lighting up her hazel eyes, giving them a fire so different from the one they held in high school.

"What's going on in that cute little head of yours?"

"Nothing," the blonde answered while shaking her head, breaking eye contact to look at her own hands and trying to hide the blush on her face by making her hair fall over her cheeks.

"Come on, you can tell me, Quinn!"

"You're amazing, you know that?"

"Of course I am," the singer said mocking the blonde. "Why?"

"All of this? I can't thank you enough!"

"We're not done. I haven't even given you your present yet," the brunette said, with a huge smile on her face.

"It's not Christmas yet!"

"But Hanukkah is already over, so you can see that as a late present for Hanukkah and tomorrow's gift will be for Christmas. Christmukkah, remember?" Rachel fished something out of her bag and pushed it towards the blonde across the table. "Come on, open it."

After looking into chocolate brown orbs for a few more seconds, Quinn opened the little package in front of her and found a mix tape in her hands. "What is this?"

"I had someone record a few of my performances in high school. Trust me, I had to buy a lot of chocolate bars to get Lauren to do that. She only recorded the most important ones. Turn it around," the brunette said eagerly.

Quinn held the tape in her hand and slowly turned it around to read the tracks on it. "You had her record our duet?" The former cheerleader felt her eyes well up with tears and tried hard to keep them at bay.

"Of course. It was our first and sadly our only duet. It was special. It's one of my favorite memories of Glee club actually."

"But you almost got a nose job because of me, Rachel."

"It wasn't because of you. It was because I was insecure. You were only willing to help me instead of judging me. You knew what it was like to be in my shoes."

"This is what I always considered our song," Quinn shared as the tears she was holding in slowly made their way down her alabaster cheeks.

The brunette smiled softly at the girl sitting in front of her and reached out for her hand, not saying a word. Simply watching her look at the mix tape in awe was enough for her.

"I don't have a present for you," the blonde suddenly said and looked up at Rachel.

"I know and that's perfectly fine. But there is still something that you could do for me," the singer said a little more quiet at the end of her sentence.

"Anything, Rach," the former cheerleader said sincerely.

Rachel stood up and held out her hand for the blonde to take. "Will you dance with me?"

"There's no music," Quinn simply answered while staring at the outstretched hand.

"Not yet. So, what do you say?"

"Of course I will dance with you!"

The diva relished in the feeling of the blonde's hand in her own and pulled her up from her seat, slowly moving across the room and pushing play on the stereo that she had already set up before dinner. The soft intro of Sara Bareilles' "Gravity" filled the room and Rachel took a step towards the other girl, placing her hands around her neck and smiling at the immediate response of pale hands on her waist.

Rachel took the opportunity and the closeness to really look at the girl in her arms because nothing compared to this. Nothing made her feel safer than being in these arms. The way those hazel eyes focused on her chocolate brown ones sent shivers down her spine, the intensity shaking her to the core. She let her fingers play with the hair at the back of the blonde's neck and was positively surprised when she felt the young woman shiver slightly in her arms. She loved the shorter hair, even if it had grown out a little already. It was much more Quinn than the long hair. It gave her more personality and drew more attention to her beautiful face.

The singer placed her head against Quinn's shoulder, relishing in the feeling of being held while they swayed in the middle of the living room, the soft sound of the piano and Sara Bareilles' voice filling the air around them.

Quinn's head was everywhere, all over the place. When auburn hair fell softly against her shoulder and Rachel's fruity scent surrounded her, she felt her heart swell with emotion. She took a deep breath, breathing in all that was Rachel and suddenly she realized that maybe sometimes knowing _does _make a difference because being able to _breathe_ her in, committing every single thing to memory seemed in that moment like the most beautiful thing in the world.

The pureness of the situation hit her and right when her mind began to wander, she felt the brunette's soft lips press against her neck lightly. The beauty of it was overwhelming and she felt goose bumps emerging all over her body. Another shiver ran through her and she pulled the brunette even closer to her body, erasing whatever distance there still was between them.

The need to be closer was overbearing and frustrating at the same time because however close she got, it was never close enough. With absolutely no space left between them, Quinn still felt too far away from the brunette in her arms, feeling the need to make their bodies become one.

Rachel knew that she should feel crushed by the strength of the blonde's hold but all she felt was content and she couldn't remember when she last felt this safe.

When Rachel left that night and pulled Quinn in for another hug, she felt her heart sink at the idea of saying goodbye to the blonde. She pressed her face into the crook of her neck and when soft lips pressed against her temple, she knew her heart beat fast and hard enough for the blonde to feel it too, their bodies pressed together as close as humanly possible.

xxxxxxxxxx

The next day found Quinn running around the apartment in the late afternoon, preparing Rachel's and her Christmas dinner. Rachel had told her that she would spend half of her day with Kurt and Burt – and as it turned out Blaine – and then spend the evening with her. This arrangement was perfectly fine for Quinn, since she had needed time to buy food for dinner. She didn't need to buy a present for Rachel because she did buy her one already and had wanted to give it to her after Christmas. It was a good thing too, seeing as not many shops are open on Christmas Day.

She needed their dinner to be special after what Rachel had done for her the night before. She needed it to be perfect, the kind of perfect that her date on Thursday was supposed to be. Rachel was due to arrive in just thirty more minutes. She had already prepared the nut roast en croute and the fruit and nut truffles and banana ice cream for dessert. Now all she needed to prepare was the avocado and orange salad with roast garlic dressing.

It was a challenge for her to cook vegan friendly but she was up for that challenge. Growing up a Fabray meant learning how to cook very early, so Quinn knew a lot about cooking and she had looked up online what she could and could not use and how to replace whatever she wasn't allowed to use.

When she had finished the salad, she set the table nicely, put two candles in the middle and a vase with flowers for the brunette at one end, right next to the gift for the brunette.

At exactly 6pm there was a knock at the apartment door. Always on time. She loved the little things that made Rachel Berry who she was. She took off her – or more like Santana's – apron and smoothed down her top, running her hands through her hair one more time to make herself look presentable.

She opened the door for the singer, who was dressed in a skin tight ruby-colored dress, holding a gift in her left hand and a single gardenia in her right. With both hands full and unable to properly hug the blonde, the diva entered her personal space and raised herself onto her tiptoes to kiss her lightly on the cheek. The former cheerleader's cheeks blushed bright red as she stepped aside for the brunette to enter the apartment.

After dinner and with their stomachs filled to the top, just like it's supposed to be on Christmas, the girls sat across from each other simply relishing in the feeling of being with each other. Quinn had cleaned up the table and filled up their glasses of red wine one more time before sitting back down.

"This was amazing Quinn, thank you."

"You're welcome," the blonde answered, a big satisfied smile forming on her lips.

"I didn't know you could cook, and even vegan food."

"There's a lot you don't know about me," Quinn answered with a little sadness in her voice.

"I'd like to change that," the brunette told her with a warm smile. Quinn simply smiled back and took the diva's hands in hers across the table. "I'd like that, too!"

"Do you want to open presents?"

"Sure, why not? Maybe we should do that in the living room though. The couch will be more comfortable."

They took the presents, went towards the couch in the living room and sat down. "I'm sorry for the mess. This is also my makeshift bed," the blonde said a little embarrassed.

"You call a blanket over the back of a couch and a pillow on it a mess? Seriously Quinn?"

"Yeah, well, I guess I do."

The singer simply rolled her eyes at that. "Alright, do you want to open yours first?"

"Sure," the blonde answered, curious as to what else the brunette came up with after she already got an amazing present yesterday. She took the rather heavy package, wrapped up in red Christmas paper, and studied it closely. Carefully opening it, she pulled out a beautifully wrapped up old book. She turned it around to read the title on the leather binding: _Charles Dickens – Great Expectations_.

"Wow," the blonde breathed out and kept staring at her present. She let her fingers brush over it gently and after a while opened it to get a closer look. "This is amazing, Rach. Where did you get that? It must have been crazy expensive."

"There's this extremely outstanding book shop one block away from NYADA. I love going there since they also sell old records and sheet music and when I saw this, I just knew I had to get it for you. I hope you don't own that one yet."

"I did once but it got lost when I was thrown out of my parents' house in sophomore year. I love it. Thank you so much, Rachel!"

"You're welcome," the brunette said with a warm smile on her face. She loved to see the blonde happy. The childlike smile on her face and the awe that her eyes emitted was warming the singer's heart. The young woman sitting across from her was only a shadow of Sue Sylvester's duckling from high school.

The former Cheerio placed the book onto the coffee table carefully and grabbed an envelope to give to the brunette in front of her. "This pales in comparison to both of your presents but I didn't know you got me something and I had already bought it last week, so…" she trailed off and handed Rachel the envelope that said _Rachel_.

The singer opened it and took out a little brochure with the typical green and black Wicked picture in front. She opened it and two tickets fell out of it. She looked at them and her mouth fell slightly open.

"I know that it's one of your favorites and you told me that you went to the Gershwin with Kurt when we were in New York for Nationals. They're premium tickets, the best ones that you can get," the blonde explained a little scared by the lack of response. "They're for the show next Sunday night."

"It's – they're – thank you! There are two tickets. Does that mean you'll come with me?"

"That's up to you. You can also take Kurt if you want to."

"NO," the diva all but screamed. "I mean no, I want to go there with you," she said, leaving no room for doubt.

"Well, then it'll be my pleasure to join you Ms Berry," the blonde said happily.

"Thank you so much Quinn. This is awesome!" The brunette leaned forward and pulled Quinn into a tight hug by snaking her arms around her neck whispering "Merry Christmas" right next to her ear and feeling the former cheerleader shiver slightly. "Merry Christmas Rach!"

It took quite a while for them to pull out of the hug, and when they did, they didn't part completely. Rachel let her hands slide from the blonde's neck over her shoulders and one of the blonde's hands rested on her knee. Chocolate brown orbs searched for deep slightly darkened hazel, shining beautifully in the dimmed living room lights, searching, exploring, getting lost. No words were spoken, none were needed. The intimacy of that moment spoke a million words and more.

Rachel slightly tugged at the blonde's neck to bring her closer, leaning in at the same time bringing their faces impossibly close, searching her eyes for any hesitation. The former head cheerleader's eyes closed a little too quickly under her gaze while her breath became slightly irregular. The brunette noticed and cupped her cheek with her right hand, softly caressing it with her thumb. "Quinn?" The blonde's eyes opened again and she looked at her vulnerably.

"I'm sorry, I – It's just – I need some time. I want this so much, trust me. I really do. I just – I'm so sorry."

"Shh, don't be. It's alright."

"I just ruined it all over again, didn't I?"

"No, you didn't ruin anything. Tonight was absolutely perfect, Quinn!"

The blonde nodded slightly, obviously not all too convinced. Rachel leaned forward again and kissed her on the forehead, her soft lips lingering on the skin she found there, making warmth spread throughout Quinn's body. And in that short moment Quinn was able to forget about loss, abandonment and loneliness because right then and there she was happy, simply happy.

* * *

***Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley **

****Animal I have become - ****Three Days Grace **  


******Alright everyone. I hope you enjoyed the update! And right before Glee starts too ;) I am SO looking forward to this episode. Quinn AND Santana in the episode PLUS visiting Rachel and all of them singing one of my favorite songs :) YAY! Anyways, I hope you liked the chapter. As always, review and let me know what you think!  
**


	19. Love her, love her, love her!

"_I am what you designed me to be. I am your blade. You cannot now complain if you also feel the hurt." _

– _Charles Dickens, __Great Expectations – _

* * *

Quinn had woken up early on the morning of the 26th and sat on the couch in the living room silently, with Rachel's mix-tape playing "Here's to us" in the background. She held the book Rachel had given to her tightly in her hands. It's been so long since she had read it. She hadn't replaced it yet because she didn't know if she was able to read it again yet. But with the leather running smoothly beneath her fingers it felt like it was calling for her. She opened up and turned the first page, noticing a note that she hadn't seen there before.

_Dear Quinn,_

_I took the liberty of reading this before I gave it to you and marked two passages myself. I'm sure you'll find them while you read it. _

_Merry Christmas!_

_Yours_

_Rachel_

And with that she started reading, devouring every word the book held, remembering what it felt like to read it when she was not yet able to fully understand it, to fully grasp the meaning it held. It was around noon when she got to the first marked quote and she held her breath when she read through it.

"_Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before-more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle."_

She read through it over and over again, trying desperately to see the message that Rachel was trying to convey. Was she seeing herself in this? Or Quinn? What did this mean? She read further, trying to ignore it. Trying to resist calling the brunette and demanding an explanation. She's not that person anymore. She can't be that person anymore. She _had _to find out for herself.

Getting impatient, she switched to the final chapter, her favorite part of the book because she got it. Even when she was only 15 years old, she could already _understand_. She read through it and on the very last page she found Rachel's second marked passage:

"_Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape."_

And there she was again without any idea of what it was supposed to tell her. Was the brunette telling her something about herself. Was she telling her that she was better now that she lived through what Quinn and all the others at high school did to her? Or was she trying to tell Quinn, that because of all the things she had gone through – from teen pregnancy to the aftermath of her accident – she became a better person?

But then she realized that maybe – just _maybe_ – it didn't even matter after all. Maybe it didn't matter if this was about her or Rachel. Maybe it was both. Maybe none of it. What mattered was that it spoke to her. What matters was that this was her passion. She had found the one thing that she was more passionate about than anything else.

xxxxxxxxxx

After the 25th and the kiss that should have happened but didn't, Quinn managed to avoid Rachel. She knew she couldn't avoid her for long, seeing as they were going to see _Wicked_ on Sunday but she felt like she needed some space to think about everything. She was sitting in her therapist's office fiddling around with her fingers because the brunette doctor had to step out for a second right when her session was about to start.

The door opened again and Dr. Bennett walked across the room to sit down in the arm chair across from the blonde. "I'm sorry for that."

"It's no problem," Quinn answered immediately.

"So, why did you want to reschedule our meeting to the afternoon?"

"Santana and I looked at an apartment at 11am this morning and I didn't want to be late for that."

"How did that go? I'm glad you're taking my advice about not living on your own."

"We've signed the contract right away. Santana loved the apartment – as I knew she would – and we will start moving in next week."

"That sounds very good," the brunette commented while nodding her head. "You don't seem too excited though."

"Oh, I am. The apartment is amazing and close to Columbia, so I don't need to drive every day. I can just walk there."

"You went for Columbia?"

"I did," the blonde said blushing. She hadn't even realized that she just blurted it out without thinking about it. She was starting to really get comfortable with this and it scared the hell out of her.

"Can you tell me why?"

"It felt right, I guess. And first I thought I'm only choosing it to feel like there's at least one thing that my father would approve of, seeing as he went to Harvard and therefore was Ivy League too. But, then I realized it's much more than that. I need something in my life that I can be passionate about, like Rachel is with music. Books do that to me. And I need to excel at something, anything."

"Do you feel like you're not good enough at things?"

"What is ever good enough?"

"You're avoiding my question, Quinn."

"I'm sorry," she said dejectedly, knowing she got caught. "Yes, I do feel like that sometimes. Everyone around me has something and I just don't see that when it comes to me," the blonde admitted with a sigh.

"So you're not doing this for yourself."

"What? Of course I'm doing it for myself."

"No, you're doing it for appearances. You're doing it because you're seeking perfection."

The blonde didn't comment on that. She didn't want to comment. Because she was trying so hard not to be a Fabray and now she found herself back there all over again.

"Why don't you tell me the reason for your bad mood?"

"Can't we talk about something else? Anything?"

"Why?"

"Because-" Yes, why? Why couldn't she just talk about this? "I'm embarrassed," she admitted.

"About what?"

"Rachel tried to kiss me and I backed away," she sighed out.

"Don't you want to kiss her?"

"I-" Of course she did! "I don't know."

"What made you pull away?"

"I don't know, okay? Maybe I just don't want this as much as I thought I did."

"Lying to yourself won't get you anywhere, Quinn."

The blonde didn't answer and simply glared at her own hands. Who did this woman think she is? Doubt was normal, it was perfectly normal. And who knows. If she would have really wanted it, she would have just let it happen, right? Maybe it just didn't feel right.

"When did this happen?"

"The day before yesterday. We spend Christmas Eve and Christmas together."

"That sounds nice."

"It was too much." And it was because it was perfect. It was too perfect. She didn't deserve perfect. She didn't deserve what Rachel had done for her. She should be the one doing things. She should be the one making up for their past. This just wasn't right.

"What do you mean with 'too much'?"

"Surprise dinner, two presents, her being so nice all the time. It's too much."

"What did she give you?"

"A mix-tape with songs from Glee club and a book; actually not any book," she said, as she pulled it out of her bag. "This was definitely expensive. She shouldn't have done all these things."

"Can I see it?" The blonde handed it over wordlessly and looked on as Dr. Bennett mustered it. The brunette gave Quinn a questioning look and when she got a slide nod, she opened the book, seeing the note Rachel had written. She didn't comment and simply looked further, noticing the book mark about halfway through the book. She smiled slightly at the little kid laughing in the picture and looked up for any reaction of the former cheerleader.

The blonde felt vulnerable, so extremely vulnerable that it hurt. She felt naked with the doctor holding the book in her hand, some passages already marked and as the brunette came closer and closer to those, the blonde felt as if layer after layer was exposed. She felt as if it was ripped off of her and she couldn't do anything to stop it.

She watched as the older woman stopped and looked up at her reassuringly before reading out words that Quinn knew by heart:

"_Once for all; I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always that I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be."_

To her surprise, the doctor didn't comment or ask anything. She simply continued through the book and Quinn knew it wouldn't take her long to find the mark just a few pages further:

"_Love her, love her, love her! If she favours you, love her. If she wounds you, love her. If she tears your heart to pieces – and as it gets older and stronger, it will tear deeper – love her, love her, love her!"_

"Maybe you should take some of those advices, Quinn. It seems to me that you've figured everything out already. The only thing holding you back right now is yourself. You're standing in your own way!"

"I don't know what to do," the former Cheerio admitted dejectedly.

"You just have to let go of whatever is holding you back."

"I don't know if I can," she said, desperately searching her therapist's eyes for help.

"What's keeping you from acting on your feelings, Quinn?"

"Everything!"

"Because she's a woman?"

"Yes, but it's not _just _that. It's _Rachel_. She's not just _any_ woman. She's _the_ woman. What if I screw up?"

"One thing at a time. So, you have a problem with the idea of being in a same sex relationship, don't you?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I wasn't raised to be like this. I feel like a disappointment, a disgrace. Everything I did was wrong. I feel like I haven't done anything right in my life."

"Why do you feel like that?"

"Seriously," the blonde said, accompanying her comment with her typical raised eyebrow. "I was a fat kid, then I was a bitch, then I got pregnant while trying to prove to myself that I'm not having feelings for a girl, then I went back to being a bitch, watched helplessly while the girl I loved tried to marry someone else because I couldn't be in love with a girl – I just couldn't. I got into an accident because I was stupid enough to text her while speeding to her wedding. When I finally got what I wanted, I backed out again and hurt her yet again and last but not least, I dropped out of Yale. When did I ever do anything right? That would probably the right question."

"Don't forget that your parents kicked you out, that you got bullied in middle school, that you gave away your child and that you're still suffering from said accident," the doctor replied, trying to push the blonde to where she needed her to be. She still hadn't said what she wanted her to say.

"Are you trying to help me or are you trying to break me even more?" She was furious. This was supposed to help her, not completely destroy her.

"I don't think you listened to me. Your parents kicked you out. They abandoned you. They were wrong by doing so because as a parent you should support your child. It's your job to love your child no matter what. You got bullied which is always a hard thing to deal with. And no one helped you deal with it. You gave away your child. You were hurting and no one realized that for almost a year. And finally you still have health problems that you're struggling with. You've constantly been under pressure! That's what I'm trying to tell you. You told me that your mother knows about Rachel. What exactly did you tell her?"

"I told my mother that I have feelings for her."

"That's it?"

"Isn't that enough?"

"How did she react?"

"Surprised, I guess."

"Did you tell her you were gay?"

"I – no, but I told her that – why does this even matter?"

"It matters because that's exactly what your problem is. If you can't even admit it to yourself, you won't be able to act on it."

"But I – I know that I'm in love with her. That's all that matters."

"It's not. You're avoiding the issue."

"Why does it matter if I'm – if – I don't even know if – I've dated guys before. I mean, who says that I'm –"

"Did you love any of them?"

"I loved Puck."

"You loved him as Beth's father. That's different, Quinn. You can't even say it out loud. As long as you're running from it, you won't be able to act on your feelings."

The blonde shut down after that. She grabbed her book and left 10 minutes early, tears fogging her sight, refusing to fall. At least her pride was still intact.

xxxxxxxxxx

It was late in the afternoon after Burt and Blaine had left, that Kurt had finally had enough. He burst into Rachel's room without knocking and found the diva sitting on her bed, quietly singing along with Wicked's "As long as you're mine". The brunette looked up for a second and then let her eyes fall back onto something in her hands that Kurt couldn't quite place.

"That's it. What's the matter?"

"What exactly are you referring too? I think you have to be more clear," the singer said looking at her best friend genuinely confused.

"I feel like you've listened to this album at least a thousand times in the last few days. I agree that it is indeed one of the most amazing shows Broadway has ever seen but enough is enough."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you," she answered, grabbing the remote to shut up her stereo. When he still didn't leave her room, she looked at him again. "Is there something else I can help you with?"

"Is everything okay Rachel?"

"Of course. Why would you ask?"

"I know that something is up," he said while sitting down at the foot of her bed. "What happened?"

"I really don't know what you're talking about, Kurt. I'm sorry if I annoyed you."

Kurt sighed dramatically. "Rachel, I know you, okay? And you have barely left your room for the past two days. And while I was okay with giving you some space while dad and Blaine were still here, I will not stand by and watch anymore."

"Watch what?"

"I don't know that yet but I know that _something_ is not right."

"Kurt," Rachel sighed out.

"Rachel, what happened? You can talk to me!"

The singer looked up at her best friend and felt vulnerability take over her body. "I tried to kiss her and she hesitated," the diva said holding back tears.

"You what? Wait, when did this happen?" Was he that occupied with his father and Blaine being here?

"Two days ago. I spent Christmas with her, remember?"

"Yes, I do remember. How could you not have told me that? And what happened to taking things slow?"

"This would have changed your mind, too," Rachel said and held out the tickets Quinn had given her.

"Wow, these are – Wow. How did you get these?"

"Quinn gave them to me. For Christmas."

"And your reaction was to kiss her? Rachel!"

"I know okay? I don't know why I did it. It seemed so right, everything kind of fell in place and I just wanted to feel closer to her. It was our third date. This is not rushed, Kurt."

"True. Why did she back away?"

"She didn't exactly back away. She just hesitated and I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. What if I drove her away with that Kurt?"

"I actually don't think that this is about you honey. I think this is about Quinn's own demons. Just give her some time."

"I know. I haven't heard from her since and I haven't pushed, I swear."

"Wait, the Rachel Berry I know would totally freak out right now. Why are you not freaking out?"

"I am. I just – I don't know how to feel to be honest. One minute I'm freaking out thinking I destroyed whatever chance there was, next I'm incredibly embarrassed about what I did and then I just feel rejected yet again and it hurts so much. And then there are moments where I find myself just basking in the dream that was this year's Christmukkah. It was magical, Kurt! It was so perfect. And one little mishap shouldn't be able to erase all that, right?" She looked at her best friend helplessly. "That wouldn't make any sense, right?" Not waiting for an answer, she just kept rambling on. "Anyways, I'll see her on Sunday for the musical, so it's best to just wait and see what'll happen when we're together, isn't it? Yes, it is. That makes perfect sense. She needs –"

"Rachel, you're freaking out," Kurt told her with the smallest hint of a smile on his face. This was more like it. "Why didn't you talk to me before?"

"I didn't want to ruin your time with Blaine and Burt," she said shrugging.

"Oh my, are you actually being selfless? Who are you and what did you do to Rachel Berry?"

"I am offended by that. I'm letting you know that I am a very selfless person," the singer said, the perfect pout already painted on her face.

"I know you are but it's definitely not you to hold back information like that, sweety. Come here," he said, opening his arms for the diva to snuggle in. When he felt her cheek hit his chest, he closed his arms around her and let his hands caress her back soothingly. "You so owe me for not stealing those tickets away from you, just so you know." A smile formed on the brunette's lips and she buried herself in Kurt's arms, bathing in the safety that no other friendship has ever provided her with.

"I love you, Kurt."

"Love you, too."

**Again, this has taken forever and I'm so sorry but things have been crazy around here. I'm not all that satisfied with this chapter but I really hope it's not all that bad. Just let me know what you think. **

**Thank you so much for all of your reviews, follows and favorites! **


	20. As long as you're mine

_Kiss me too fiercely  
Hold me too tight  
I need help believing  
You're with me tonight*_

* * *

After her therapy session, Quinn had been over-thinking everything; her past with Rachel, their current friendship, a possible future. Could she imagine a future with the singer? Could she imagine a future with a woman? A future where they live together? Did she want marriage? Children?

She had been so sure of herself but when she sat in that arm chair and her therapist asked her to actually draw the conclusion of being with Rachel, she freaked out. Dr. Bennett wanted her to acknowledge Rachel as more than _her _Rachel, as more than the person she was in love with. She wanted her to acknowledge the fact that she was a _woman_ and Quinn didn't know if she could do that.

She was okay with admitting that she was in love with Rachel. So why was it such a big deal to accept it for what it really is? Why can't she just say "I'm gay"? What made those to words so hard for her? And even after admitting to herself, to her mother, to friends that she was in love with a girl. Why was it still so hard to just say it?

After thinking things through over and over again and not coming to any conclusion, she decided that for now it didn't matter what she was or wasn't, what she said and what she didn't say. What mattered now was that she was in love with Rachel, that she wanted nothing more than to be close to her no matter what.

It had taken her long enough to come to that conclusion, seeing as it was already Saturday night, and knowing that Rachel was probably freaking out already, she took her phone and texted her the needed information for the following evening.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Rachel had received the text message she felt a huge weight lift from her shoulders. She had waited for days to hear from the blonde and it had been driving her nuts. Countless times she had typed a message only to remember Kurt telling her that what Quinn needed was time and not pressure.

_Hey beautiful, be ready at 6 pm tomorrow night and I'll pick you up for dinner before the show. I can't wait! X – Quinn_

Every time she reread the text a smile encroached on her face, taking her over. It still surprised her how much the blonde could make her _feel._ It amazed her that just a little text from her was enough to put her in a good mood for more than a day. It impressed her how the excitement for a date with the former cheerleader could simply blow away her days of uncertainty. It fascinated her how it didn't matter _what_ they would do together, she was simply looking forward to spend time with her. Wicked was simply a welcomed bonus. A very welcomed bonus.

However, it did not change the problem at hand: she had no idea what to wear.

"No way, this is not it Kurt. I'd know if it was. It's just not."

"Rachel, we've tried at least ten outfits already and we only have twenty minutes left. You have to decide," the boy answered dejectedly.

"It's not the right outfit," the brunette said frustrated. "Just keep going Kurt, please. It needs to be perfect. I need it to be perfect."

Hearing the desperation in the brunette's voice, he turned around and took both of his best friend's hands in his own. "Rachel, there is no such thing as perfect when it comes to love. Whatever happens happens, and it won't be because of a perfect dress."

"I don't know how to act around her. What if I make another mistake, Kurt? What if I scare her away for good?"

"Sweety, just be yourself. And now, take off that dress. You're right, this is not the right one," he said already back to her closet and digging through all of Rachel's clothes.

Five minutes later finds Rachel in a long cream colored dress with Kurt standing in front of her and adding the last touch to her hair. "Done," he announces obviously proud of himself.

Rachel looked at herself in the mirror and was just about to say something when there was a silent knock on the door. She shot her best friend a slightly scared look before chancing one more look into the mirror.

"You look fabulous, honey. Just go. Everything's going to be fine!"

The brunette walked to the door, hesitantly opening it and taking in the blonde standing in front of her, dressed in a dark blue dress that ended just above her knees. Elegant and classy, yet extremely sexy without being too revealing; the story of Quinn Fabray. The sight in front of her left the diva speechless for a second.

"You look beautiful," the blonde blurted out with a shy smile playing on her lips.

"You have me to thank for that. Without me she'd still be running around in her underwear," Kurt blurted out from somewhere in the apartment, making both women blush for completely different reasons.

"You look very pretty, Quinn," the singer finally breathed out.

"Thank you," the blonde answered, ducking her head a little. "Are you ready to go?"

"Of course," Rachel said while quickly grabbing her purse and coat. She stepped out of the apartment and closed the door, taking the offered arm with a shy smile, linking herself to Quinn.

_Not bad for a start_, the singer thought to herself.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Wow, this was _amazing_, Quinn. I mean, except for the fact that Glinda and Elphaba are totally made for each other and should definitely be endgame because everyone who did not see the chemistry between those two must be blind. But the songs are perfect and the stage looked absolutely-"

Quinn had stopped listening closely at some point, simply staring at the brunette in front of her, who kept one of her hands firmly in hers while using the other one to waving about with the other one. A small smile grazed the blonde's face seeing the diva this happy and excited. She wished it could be like this all the time.

"-and the finale was breathtaking. I loved it! Thank you so much Quinn! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"You're welcome," the former cheerleader answered, a lazy smile still tattooed on her face.

They slowly walked along the streets, Rachel's hand firmly locked in the crook of Quinn's arm, their bodies as close as possible. The blonde smiled when she heard the singer hum quietly, recognizing the tune right away. Her lips curved up further when the diva started singing quietly and looked up at her.

_Something has changed within me  
Something is not the same  
I'm through with playing by  
The rules of someone else's game**_

The brunette entangled herself a little from the former cheerleader but only to take her hand in hers and softly swing their entwined hands between them. And to Rachel's surprise, the blonde twirled her around in a circle and softly continued where she had left of, her voice barely louder than a whisper but still a beautiful symphony to her ears.

_Too late for second-guessing  
Too late to go back to sleep  
It's time to trust my instincts  
Close my eyes  
And leap...**_

Quinn twirled her one last time before pulling her into her and holding her in her arms when finishing, the last few words more spoken than sung. As if acting on instinct the singer placed her arms around the blonde's shoulders when she felt pale hands on her waist in a firm yet soft grip. They were close, so close that the blonde could feel Rachel's breath on her chin as chocolate brown orbs filled with emotion stared at her – so full of hope, so full of longing, so full of love.

"We're there," she breathed out, not knowing what to say. The brunette was shaken out of her trance like state a little and looked to her right to see her apartment building right next to them.

"Quinn, I –" But she didn't even know how to end that sentence because the arms around her waist were still very much present and she still had her arms placed loosely around the other woman's shoulders. Her gaze drifted to inviting pink lips and back up to stunningly beautiful hazel eyes.

And just when she felt like Quinn was starting to lean in, the blonde pulled back a little, not meeting her gaze.

"Quinn?"

"Rach, I – I have to tell you something."

"Okay. What is it?"

"I –" She struggled. It happened again. Why was she still struggling? She looked deeply into concerned dark brown eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm gay." And there it was. She had said it and there was no way to take it back and she didn't need to, didn't want to take it back. Maybe it had never been about saying the words but about whom she would say them to. Because in that moment with this beautiful brunette in her arms, tightening her hold on the blonde's shoulders, she felt thoroughly at ease, she felt complete.

And as if she had done it a thousand times before, she slowly lifted her left hand to the brunette's cheek, leaned down slightly and, with one last affirming look, closed the last bit of distance between them, her eyes closing on their own accord. The second their lips collided in the softest of touches, the blonde let out a soft groan because she suddenly felt freer than she ever had before.

Suddenly, Quinn could feel it, she could feel all of it. She was sure that until this point she had never _really _loved because this was it. This very moment was all she had ever longed for. This was happiness.

She buried one of her hands in chestnut brown locks and let the grip of her other hand still at the brunette's hips tighten slightly. She felt fingers play with the little hair at the nape of her neck and let out a little whimper. She was on fire, completely lit and burning.

When their lips parted, she made sure that it was the only thing parting. Her arms still tightly around the brunette and their foreheads pressed against each other.

"Wow," she heard Rachel breathe out and saw a big smile form on her face that perfectly matched her own.

"I've wanted to do that for so long," she whispered desperately. She was completely overwhelmed. Her lips still tingled from the touch of Rachel's. It was as if she could still _feel_ them on hers. She could _feel_. Quinn finally felt something, she finally _let_ herself feel something and it was so overwhelmingly beautiful.

"Why didn't you?" Rachel's voice too was barely more than a whisper, too scared to break whatever spell they were under. Afraid that breaking that bubble would make the blonde pull away from her again. Afraid that whatever this was, it wasn't going to last.

"I was scared," Quinn simply admitted.

"Scared of what?"

"Of myself, of what it would do to me, of what it would do for me, what it would mean _to _me. Everything. I was just scared."

"And what does it mean?" This was it, Rachel thought. She knew that this was it. She was afraid of the answer but she needed it all the same.

The blonde simply leaned in once more and pressed her lips to the brunette's softly for a second. "It means everything," she breathed, her lips still ghosting over the singer's.

"What happens now?" She was breathless even though the kiss that was barely a kiss had only lasted for a second. It meant everything? Was that good? Of course it was good. Right? But what does that mean for them? Rachel's mind was foggy and forming question after question. She could not afford to make mistakes now. She had done it with Finn, she had done it with Jesse. She could not read too much into this. She would not read too much into this. She needed clarity. She needed Quinn!

"I don't know," the former cheerleader admitted. "But I'm willing to find it out," she continued before pressing a kiss to the brunette's forehead and adding: "Together".

"Sounds good," Rachel whispered, letting out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. She snuggled into the blonde, letting her head fall on her shoulder and placed a delicate kiss on the alabaster skin that showed where the former cheerleader's neck met her shoulder. "What are you doing for New Year's?"

"Well, this is kind of embarrassing but Santana pressured Kurt into inviting us, so I guess I'll be at your party?"

Rachel chuckled at the typical action, practically hearing the Latina's words play through her head.

"I don't have to come," Quinn said, suddenly scared that she had gotten everything wrong again. "I mean, if you don't want me to, I –"

The singer's finger on her lips stopped her right there and was replaced by her full lips right after. "Of course I want you to come," the brunette told her just a breath away from her.

* * *

_Just for this moment _  
_As long as you're mine _  
_I've lost all resistance _  
_And crossed some borderline _  
_And if it turns out _  
_It's over too fast _  
_I'll make ev'ry last moment last _  
_As long as you're mine...*_

**Alright, so I know this took forever but I was having a very very hard time with this chapter. I hope it turned out alright. Just let me know, as always. And wow, it only took me 20 chapters to have them kiss :) **

***As long as you're mine - Wicked**

****Defying Gravity - Wicked**


	21. Learning to fall

**Alright Baconlover46, watch out for your wish coming true ;) I told you, I'd try! I hope you enjoy!  
**

_For auld lang syne, my dear  
For auld lang syne,  
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet  
For auld lang syne!*_

* * *

"I can't go, Santana. I just can't, okay? Tell her I'm sick. Or wait, tell Kurt to tell her," Quinn continued to ramble.

"What the fuck, Q? What is your damn problem?" On the one hand the Latina was definitely entertained by her roommate completely losing it, on the other hand though, she was just getting frustrated of the blonde always standing in her own way.

"I have no idea how to act around her. We texted all day but it was just – I mean – she was – we were –" She was getting furious by her incapability to express herself. "We simply avoided the topic the whole time," she let out exasperatedly.

"What the hell are you even talking about?"

"She just texted me this morning all casual as if nothing had happened and I just went along with it and what if it didn't mean anything? I can't – I just, I can't go to that stupid party, San," the blonde yelled out, her hands flying around helplessly and it reminded her so much of the Quinn she discovered that day in the hotel room in New York. It confused the hell out of her to see her like this again because of what? A date?

"I lost you somewhere along the way. I thought yesterday wasn't your first date. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? When you came home you were all thrilled and told me how amazing everything was with that silly sickening smile tattooed all over your face. Where did that go?"

"Well, I didn't think that she would just go ahead and dismiss the kiss as if it hadn't happened. What if it didn't mean anything to her, Santana? I can't go there and have her walk all over what was one of the most terrifying and still most wonderful things that I've ever felt. I just can't, okay?"

"Wait, the what now? How could you have not told me that you kissed? What the fuck?"

"Actually it was kisses. There was more than one," the blonde said contemplatively.

"Again, how come I only hear about this now?"

"Can we please talk about _my _problem now and not your pathological need to always know everything? I need you to tell them that I can't come to the party, okay?"

"Tell them my ass. You can't insult me and expect me to do you a favor a second later," the Latina told her, crossing her arms across her chest defiantly. Best friend or not, she was not going to let Quinn go all Head Bitch in Charge on her again. She had way too much of that in high school already and it had always been in the way of their friendship.

"Yes, I can. That's how we work, Santana! We take without giving."

"That's how we _worked_. Past tense. At least for me that's in the past. I thought it was for you too," the brunette said, disappointment clearly showing on her face. "Q, we're not in high school anymore. We changed. It's a good thing that we did," she added a little too silently, a little too vulnerably.

"I'm sorry. Of course it is a good thing. I'm just really freaking out right now," Quinn let out with a relenting sigh. "I'm sorry, San. Can you just please tell them that I'm not coming? Please," the former head cheerleader begged her friend.

"You finally got what you've been slobbering over for years and now you want to back out? And you want me to help you do it? Are you crazy? You can't be serious, Q."

"Just think about how weird it would be to go there. I mean, am I there as her date or am I just one of her friends coming to the party? Technically, I'm not even invited, you know? You simply went ahead and told Kurt that we'd both come. That's not an invitation, Santana!"

"Quinn, can you just tell me what the real problem is here?"

"What do you mean 'the real problem'? How can you not see my problem?" The blonde looked at her friend exasperated. Her problem was obvious to everyone with a brain. She could not go to the party and needed help delivering the news to Rachel without telling her herself, because just the thought of that was both heartbreaking and humiliating.

"Quinn," the Latina said and sighed out dramatically. "Why don't you want to see her after finally getting what you have wanted for so long? It doesn't make sense."

"Damn sure it does," Quinn all but yelled out. "She's acting as if it never happened. I will definitely not go there and make a fool out of myself even more than I already did," the blonde continued, looking at her friend with a slightly raised left eyebrow, as if trying to say DUH without being childish enough to actually say it. "Also, knowing Rachel and Kurt, there'll be a stage and she will force me to sing," she added quickly.

"And we both know that she won't have to say much to force you because you're already whipped anyway," the brunette stated perkily with a sing song voice.

"You really are pushing it, Satan. Don't go there," Quinn warned her.

"And you're avoiding my question, Barbie, and you know how much I hate when people do that. Spit it out, what is all of this really about?"

After one desperate look towards her best friend, Quinn let herself fall down onto the couch dejectedly. "I don't know," she sighed out. "I just can't go there. I can't – it just doesn't feel –" She stopped again because she didn't even have a word for it. She didn't know what she felt.

"Safe?" Santana looked at her friend knowingly, as she carefully moved to sit down next to her, hazel eyes abruptly locking with hers, desperate for help, desperate for someone or something to cling to.

"Yes," she admitted in a quiet whisper, surprised that her best friend bundled up everything she felt and couldn't express in that one little word.

"Q, I think you forget that you're not going to be there alone. I'll be there. I have your back, you know that!"

"I just – I can't. I can't leave myself vulnerable again, San. I can't give anyone that kind of power over me."

"But you're not," the brunette emphasized. "You don't have to protect yourself all by yourself anymore. You're not alone anymore. I can help you, you know? I will protect you," she continued, placing her hand on the shaking blonde's leg soothingly. "And God knows I will go all Lima Heights on the hobbit's diva ass if she hurts you," she added, trying to lighten the mood and succeeding at least slightly by making Quinn chuckle a little.

"Thank you, Santana," the blonde shared after a few minutes in silence.

"You're welcome. You just need to let me in okay? You need to _let _me be there."

The former cheerleader reluctantly looked up and locked eyes with the other girl to make sure that the Latina knew how much this meant. "Okay!"

"Alright, and since we both know that Berry _will _force you to sing, how about we make sure you're prepared for it? Any ideas?"

"You can play the guitar, right?"

xxxxxxxxxx

Kurt stepped off of the stage after a heartwarming performance of Smash Mouth's "I'm a believer", the party already in full swing. He made his way over to his best friend, the brunette standing in a corner of their apartment on her own, holding a drink that she didn't seem keen on drinking.

"Now _that _was fun and, if I may say so, pretty amazing. No way can you beat that," he said with a huge smile on his face, challenging the diva.

"I probably won't, since I'm not planning on singing anytime soon. You were great, Kurt."

"Okay, spill! What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Are you serious, Kurt? She's not coming. The right question would be if there's anything right!"

"You're being a drama queen again. The night is still young. Santana said they'd be there. She basically begged me to invite her. It's probably something stupid like being fashionably late or whatever. You know how those to get," Kurt told her.

"That was before Quinn and I kissed. I knew this would happen. I knew she would freak out and leave me hanging. I should have known better than to trust her again. She's never given me any reason to trust her."

"That's not true and we both know that. It's only 10 o'clock. Have some fun and before you know it, Ms Grace Kelly will be standing right in front of you in all her glory," Kurt said, smiling at her once again and turning around to mingle with his friends from Vogue and NYADA.

xxxxxxxxxx

Half an hour later found Rachel trying to engage in shallow conversations, her eyes straying to the front door over and over again.

"Looking for someone, gorgeous?"

Annoyed to no end, the brunette turned around and looked at the boy standing in front of her.

"What do you want, Brody?"

"Calm down," he said, holding his hands up in defense. "I come in peace. I'm actually here to apologize," he continued, slowly making his way into her personal space.

"Fine. Feel free to stay here and have fun," the brunette brushed him off. "Is there anything else I can help you with," she added when he still didn't move out of her way.

"If she's not here by now, she's not coming. You do realize that, right?" He was too close, way too close for Rachel's liking and it hurt her even more that he was right. She knew that the blonde wasn't coming. And it hurt, it hurt so much.

"You don't know that," she tried weakly, not even sure why she was defending the former cheerleader.

"I do know. If she would want to be here with you, she would be here by now. I'm here because I want to be with you. If you ask me, she's not worth your while anyway. "

"Thankfully, no one asked you, dumbass!" The Latina's voice was enough to distract the boy, so that Rachel could take a big step back and get away from him, letting out a breath she didn't know she had been holding.

The singer reluctantly looked behind Brody and there she was in skin tight, dark blue jeans and a beige neck holder shirt, her blonde hair falling loosely around her face, beautiful as ever. "You're here," she whispered in awe.

"Of course I am," Quinn answered with a bright smile on her face.

"Okay, this is getting too cheesy for me. Do you want a drink, Q?"

"Just water is fine."

"Party pooper," the Latina mumbled while making her way to the kitchen, even though she knew that Quinn without alcohol was a lot more pleasant than drunken Quinn.

"So," the brunette said awkwardly, not knowing how to get the conversation started.

"So," the blonde mocked her with a smirk. "Look Rach, there's no need for it to be this weird. We will talk about this, just not tonight, okay? Let's just enjoy the evening."

The singer let out a nervous sigh and nodded. She stood stock still at first, when the former cheerleader stepped forward and wrapped her in a tight hug, relaxed quickly though when she felt her lips on her temple and heard her breathe in deeply. "I'm sorry for being late."

When they stepped away from each other, Rachel looked at her with a mischievous grin on her face. "I think I know how you can make it up to me."

"Do I even want to know?"

The brunette looked over her shoulder and Quinn followed her eyes to the stage in the corner of the apartment. "You and Kurt are way too predictable."

"I resent that. So, I'm waiting for my apology," she said in a sing song voice.

"I came prepared, sweetheart, no worries." And with one last wink Quinn turned around and walked towards the Latina that was still in the kitchen, discretely giving them time to talk while listening to Brody singing a mediocre version of O-Town's "All or Nothing".

She nodded at her once and walked over to her, handing her the glass of water. "Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be. Let's do this," the blonde answered just when Brody finished.

They stepped onto the stage and grabbed themselves two stools, while Kurt handed Santana a guitar.

"Alright, since no one else volunteered, we'll take it upon ourselves to show wannabe Enrique how it's really done," Santana announced when she sat down with the guitar in hand. She sent one last wink to Quinn and started playing.

_When I was younger  
so much younger than today  
I never needed anybody's  
help in any way_

The blonde's eyes moved over to Rachel as she sang, showing her just how much regretted pushing her away over and over again.

_But now these days are gone  
I'm not so self assured  
now I find I've changed my mind  
I've opened up the doors_

The Latina started to play slightly louder before leaning towards the microphone to start her part.

_I'll be there for you  
When the rain starts to pour  
I'll be there for you  
Like I've been there before  
I'll be there for you  
'Cause you're there for me too_

_You're still in bed at ten  
And work began at eight  
You burned your breakfast  
So far things are going great  
Your mother warned you there'd be  
Days like these  
But she didn't tell you when  
The world has brought you  
Down to your knees that_

The former cheerleaders locked eyes and smiled at each other before Quinn took over again.

_Help me if you can I'm feeling down  
and I do appreciate you being round  
help me get my feet back on the ground  
won't you please please help me_

Santana smiled at Quinn and they joined their voices for the bridge. They have been through so much. They hated each other and still they always knew that it grew out of love. In the end, they would always have each other's back one way or another.

_No one could ever know me  
No one could ever see me  
Seems you're the only one who knows  
What it's like to be me  
Someone to face the day with  
Make it through all the mess with  
Someone I'll always laugh with  
Even under the worst I'm best with you_

After a short solo on her guitar, Santana held Quinn's eyes once more, making sure the blonde knew that she meant all of it and that she meant what she had said in her living room earlier that night.

_It's like you're always stuck  
In second gear  
When it hasn't been your day  
Your week, your month  
Or even your year but_

_I'll be there for you  
I'll be there for you  
I'll be there for you  
'Cause you're there for me too**_

There was a round of applause, shared smiles and an understanding that went beyond their usual friendship. Santana nodded at Quinn before starting to play the guitar again, letting the blonde know that this was her moment.

_I shouldn't love you but I want to  
I just can't turn away  
I shouldn't see you but I can't move  
I can't look away_

_And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not  
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop_

The song was a little cliché but Quinn loved it. The lyrics spoke to her and she liked the touch that it got with an acoustic guitar only.

_Just so you know  
This feeling's taking control of me  
And I can't help it  
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now  
Thought you should know  
I've tried my best to let go of you  
But I don't want to  
I just gotta say it all  
Before I go  
Just so you know_

She held eye contact with Rachel through most of the song, making sure that the brunette knew that she was in for the ride that was to come.

_This emptiness is killing me_

_And I'm wondering why I've waited so long  
Looking back I realize  
It was always there just never spoken  
I'm waiting here...been waiting here***_

Quinn knew that the feelings she had developed for the tiny diva haven't only been there recently. She didn't know when exactly it had started. All she knew was that she was ready to act on it, rather than hide. She may not have loved her all through high school but there was always something special about the singer.

And just like that when she started on the last chorus, she felt herself let go, she let herself fall a little more, hoping that the brunette would be there to catch her.

xxxxxxxxxx

"So, am I forgiven?" It was meant a joke but the smile quickly fell from Quinn's face when she saw the brunette's serious expression and realized just how much more this question actually held.

Rachel didn't have words, for once she was simply speechless and honestly it felt horrible. With sad and yet hopeful hazel eyes staring at her, into her it seemed, she felt the words slip away even though there was so much she wanted to say, so much she needed to say.

"Rach, you're scaring me," the blonde said in barely more than a whisper seeming more vulnerable than Rachel had ever seen her.

"Thank you," was all Rachel could breathe out as she simply grabbed Quinn's face with both of her hands and connected their lips in a desperate kiss. Before Quinn was able to get lost in the world that was Rachel, the brunette separated their lips and let her forehead fall to the blonde's.

"Wow, and here I was thinking I had to wait until midnight," the former cheerleader blurted out.

"I'm sorry, I was just kind of lost for words."

"Trust me, you don't ever have to apologize for that," Quinn said, smiling at her.

* * *

**This was kind of a hard chapter. It just didn't wanna come out the way I wanted it to. Still, I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know if you liked it or not and as you can see, I'm willing to make wished come true (if possible), so if there's anything you would like to see, let me know and I'll try my best ;)**

***Auld Lang Syne  
**

****Mash-up of "Help" by The Beatles and "I'll be there for you" by The Rembrandts**

*****Just so you know - Jesse McCartney**


	22. I quiver at the thought of you

**Birthday present to myself: Finally updating on my story. Enjoy!  
**

_You'd leave me at the side of the road to die  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
You don't need me anymore to listen to your lies  
I won't be no fool for you any longer*_

* * *

She knew it wasn't fair that she just left with nothing but a little note but when was life ever fair? It had never been fair to her. She knew she shouldn't have left alone either and the word alone made a shiver run through her body. _Alone_. She had been alone most of her life but recently she had felt less alone. This huge whole inside her seemed to have filled up just a little over the past few weeks. She felt like she could finally open up a little. Still, she could not bear the thought of having anyone with her right now either.

She felt vulnerable; more vulnerable than she had felt in a very long time, even though the tears had not come yet. She could feel them welling up again and again but they were still kept safely where they belonged. She would not cry because of him again. She cannot give him that power over her again.

"_He's your father, Quinnie!" _

The words kept ringing in her ears over and over again. A father? Wasn't a father supposed to love and support their child unconditionally? At least that's what Dr. Bennett had told her. Maybe she was wrong. But did blood alone make Russell her father? Possible. But does it make him her dad? Wasn't a dad supposed to protect her instead of being the one to be feared? She hadn't talked to Dr. Bennett about this but she was quite sure the woman was with her on that.

"_You have to come!"_

Have to? Why does she _have to _come? Why was everything about him always an obligation? Everything about her childhood was an obligation. She was told what to wear, how to play, how to sit, how to act around people. She was told how to _lie_ and how to be _strong_. And yet hiding behind her upbringing didn't feel like strength at all. But Fabrays don't show weakness, they don't cry unless it serves a purpose, they don't show feelings unless it plays into their hands.

He wasn't there when she gave birth to Beth. He wasn't there when she gave her away, when she cried over her. He wasn't there when she finally broke down because of it. He wasn't there when she got her early acceptance for Yale. He wasn't there when she was in the hospital, her body completely broken into shreds. He wasn't there when she _graduated_ at the top of her class. He was _never _there. And even when he was, he really wasn't.

So, why does she _have_ to be there? What would she possibly owe _him_? What place in her heart should she have reserved for him? She had enough scars to proof his inability to be a real father, visible and invisible.

"_You know better than that, sweety! He just wants to see you!"_

She knows better than that? Better than what? Yes, she knew better. She knew better than to believe any of his lies, better than to think he had actually changed. She knew better than to hope for anything when it came to him because it proved itself in vain over and over again.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Santana woke up after her first night in the new apartment, she took a deep breath, ready to continue unpacking with her best friend and make this their new home. The moving in the day before had actually been fun. They had found so many old things in the boxes and even though Santana hates all that mushy stuff, it did prove to be kind of funny to reminisce.

She slowly made her way into the hallway and headed to the living room, fully expecting to find Quinn already in the middle of more boxes. Instead she found nothing but boxes standing around. Frowning, she moved into the kitchen and when she found that room empty as well, she suddenly realized how painfully quiet the apartment was. And even though she knew that Quinn was usually up before her, she moved to her bedroom, thinking she'd find the former cheerleader still fast asleep but all she was greeted with was a neatly made bed and a note on top.

Santana felt her heart already leap into her throat and anger rise up involuntarily. She bailed. Quinn had left. And there she was, thinking something had finally clicked. Stepping forward, she reached for the note and read it slowly.

_Hey San,_

_I know what this looks like but I swear, I'm not running away. I had to leave but I'll be back in a few days, I promise._

_Love you,_

_Q_

Santana sat down on Quinn's bed. She could not be serious. After what they've been through together, after what they had talked about just a few days before, she shut her out? _Again?_ And without a reasonable excuse? This did not sit well with Santana Lopez. This was not how she played the game.

xxxxxxxxxx

When she came there, it was the middle of the night. She entered the room silently, making sure to not wake him or the sleeping figure in the armchair. Slowly, she made her way to the bed and took a look at the man in it and even though she felt like she had a million things to tell him, none of them seemed enough, none of them seemed to matter.

Standing next to him, for once she felt as if she had the upper hand. She felt more powerful than him and even though it was something she had wished for so many times when she was younger, now it did nothing for her. She didn't thrive for power anymore like she used to. Fabrays did, but maybe she wasn't a Fabray after all. She didn't find satisfaction in it. Instead she felt something inside her break.

She felt her eyes water again and saw a picture perfect childhood swimming in the unshed tears. The smiling father, caring and playful, pure and charming, joyful and happy. It was perfect, the only problem being that the child was not her but Fran. Only after her sister moved out and Quinn had _made_ herself pretty, did her father make her his little princess. But by the time she had finally reached that point, gotten to where she always wanted to be, it was already to later because her heart was already closed up.

The anger that slowly rose inside of her, made one single tear finally escape. It burned its way down her right cheek and her hands immediately formed fists at the side of her body. She was angry because of what she had become because of him, she was angry about him leaving her, she was angry about the role he still played in her life but most of all, she was angry that with all the tubes and wires attached to him, she realized that she still _cared_. She didn't _want _to care. He didn't deserve it.

It took another half an hour of her standing there for the woman in the arm chair to wake up and notice the blonde standing in the room, illuminated by the little lamp at the head of the bed. She smiled sadly at her mother. Things had been better between them since the accident and especially since her visit on Thanksgiving. They felt more comfortably around each other. Right now though, with the man in the bed between them, she felt anything but comfortable. The guilt in Judy's eyes didn't make much of a difference either.

"You came," the blonde woman simply whispered, her face lightening up with a small smile, happy to see her daughter even though the circumstances were not the best.

"I came," Quinn simply stated, a tight lipped smile directed at her mother. "Will he be okay?"

"They don't know. They called yesterday. I was surprised to find out that I'm still his emergency contact after all these years.

"Why did you come? You don't owe him a thing," the blonde said bitterly.

"I couldn't live with myself if I didn't," was the older woman's simple answer.

"Why did you want me here?"

"He's still your father, Quinn. He wants to see you. I talked to him for a little while and it actually seems like he has changed. Give him a chance. You don't have to forget but maybe you can try to forgive."

"He might be my father but it's the only thing connected us. I'm better off without him," the blonde said, her voice still low, not wanting the man in the hospital bed to wake up. She couldn't deal with him just yet. She needed time, more time.

"So why did you come here in the first place?"

Busted! She had asked herself the very same on the plane over and over again. "I came to support you," she tried taking the easy way out.

"You're a lot more alike than you know."

"I'm nothing like him," the blonde all but yelled out. "My whole life is about not being _him_, not being _like_ him."

"He does have good traits, you know? I married him for a reason, Quinn."

"Oh you mean money?" Wrong thing to say. Quinn regretted it as soon as she had said it. The older blonde looked at her, hurt written all over her face. "I didn't mean that, mom! I'm sorry. I'm just – I'm not – I can't be like him."

"You have spent your whole life fighting, sweety. I think sometimes you forget what you're actually fighting for," the older woman said sadly before leaving her daughter alone in the hospital room. Quinn felt that ever present weight on her shoulders get that much heavier when the door closed and she was left with nothing but the man she thought she hated. Just when she thought she got it right, it feels like she was wrong all over again.

Quinn was sick of fighting, she was sick of being pushed down whenever she got closer to the top of the hill; but the one thing that disturbed her the most worst was the one feeling that had walked hand in hand with her all her life: Loneliness. She was sick of feeling lonely, sick of being alone. And just when she thought she wasn't, she found herself standing at her father's hospital bed – _alone_. The one person that made her, that shaped who she was now; defensive, closed off, cold and _alone_.

When she felt hot tears running down her cheeks, something inside of her snapped. She refused to feel like this again. Not now, not after knowing what it felt like to _not_ be alone, what it felt like to share your life with someone, what it felt like to _live_. She finally felt alive and she refused to let that go.

She took out her phone and turned it on again, ignoring the missed calls and texts from both Santana and Rachel and calling the one person that made a difference.

xxxxxxxxxx

When she was redirected to voicemail the second time that day and her text was still left unanswered, she started worrying. She thought they were doing fine. She thought they were making progress after New Year's Eve. They had agreed to talk; they had agreed to talk TODAY and now she couldn't reach her and she just didn't understand because they were doing fine; more than fine, actually. They were perfect.

"_Santana, come on. Please," she heard the blonde beg. "Santana!" Nothing. No reaction whatsoever._

"_I hate it when you're drunk," she heard her grumble._

"_Having problems?"_

_The former cheerleader turned around a little surprised and a half smile formed on her lips. "She's a terrible drunk. Once she's asleep, she's gone," she said, shaking her head with a small chuckle. "Can I just leave her here for the night? I'll make sure she has money to get home tomorrow morning."_

"_Actually," the brunette started walking towards the hazel eyed woman. "You could just stay here too, you know?"_

_Quinn stared at her wide-eyed, mouth hanging open, not sure if she had heard correctly. "I – what?" _

"_I mean, it's kind of late and we're in New York and you know, I mean –" This so didn't come out right. None of it. "It's just, you're a beautiful woman and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. You can have my room. I mean, I can share Kurt's bed. I didn't mean to –" _

"_You're rambling, Rach," Quinn said, a full blown smile now plastered on her face. And when had she gotten so close? "I would love to stay," the blonde said, her lips only a breath away and when had she put her hands around her shoulders and when had Rachel's hands landed on her hips? "And I don't want you to sleep in Kurt's room." She wanted to answer, wanted to tell her that she didn't understand but soft lips were pressed against hers and she wasn't even sure what she wanted to say anymore. "You think I'm beautiful?"_

She found herself in front of the apartment block, rechecking the address on her note and looking up at the number 7137 above the green wooden door. She rang the bell and to her disappointment the voice coming through the intercom was not the one she was hoping for.

"Hello?"

"Santana? It's Rachel. Can I come up?"

No answer. A buzz. As rude as ever. Some things just never change.

When she came to the door with the number 9, she found it slightly ajar and pushed it open to enter. Rather unexpected, she did not find the Latina in the middle of the spread out boxes but sitting at one of the windows on a pillow.

"Come on in and make yourself at home," the Latina said while pointing to a pillow close to her and only now did Rachel see the open beer bottle right next to her.

"I was actually searching for Quinn," she said hesitantly.

"Who isn't?" A gulp. "Come in or leave, either way, close the door."

"So, she's not here?" She moved inside after closing the door and sat down next to the Latina waiting for an answer. Another gulp.

"No, she's not." Very helpful. She started feeling unsettled, even more so than she already had before coming here. Something was off. She just knew that something was off.

"Where is she? Therapy? Is everything okay?"

"She's gone." Another gulp.

"What do you mean she's gone?" She felt herself stiffen and looking at the brunette next to her, her eyes pleading. The hope that there was a good explanation for all of this slowly started to vanish.

The Latina simply held out a note and Rachel recognized the handwriting right away, neat and curvy. After what felt like hours a wet drop ran down the paper and she touched her fingers to her left cheek. When had she started crying?

She looked up at Santana, who had stood up and went over to the kitchen. She came back, two bottles of beer in hand and held one out for her.

_She had dreamed of this embarrassingly often but to have it come true felt surreal. Looking at the alabaster skin in front of her, she slowly leaned forward and captured it with her kiss swollen lips. She carefully made her way up the blonde's neck and when she got a response in form of a helpless moan, she felt something inside of her go loose. She leaned back, her hands to the left and right of the other woman's head and looked into slightly darkened hazel eyes, taken aback by the beauty in front of her. _

_She felt strong hands slip under her shirt, drawing random figures on the small of her back. Quinn's eyes searched hers and she could practically touch the overload of feelings passed on through the loving gaze she was receiving. She slowly lifted her right hand and brushed away a blonde strand, caressing Quinn's pale cheek in the process before leaning down again and capturing her lips in a passionate kiss._

_The little control she still had left, disappeared when she felt one of the blonde's hands make a trail to her front and up her rips. She moaned into her mouth at the prospect of being touched in that way by Quinn Fabray. She felt a careful touch and was gone. She slowly disentangled their lips and starred at the beauty beneath her. She let the fingers of her right hand slowly trail over the blonde's lips, down her jaw and her neck, to the necklace resting on the pale chest. She took the cross between her fingers, off in her own little world, well aware of the light caress underneath her shirt and the hazel eyes following her every move. She let her fingers wander down and reconnected their lips forcefully, all thoughts of stopping pushed aside. She had never been more sure of anything in her life. She wanted this, she wanted Quinn. All of her._

"When?"

"Last night, I think."

"Why didn't you call me or text me or I don't know…anything?"

"And tell you what? 'Hey Rachel, Quinn is gone but she promised to come back. Have a nice day.' I knew you would freak, so I didn't say anything." Rachel noticed a slight slur in the brunette's words.

"How many of these did you have already?"

"Stopped counting after the fifth," the Latina simply answered.

"You're worried."

"Well, duh, Sherlock."

"Do you know where she went?"

"Did you read the damn note? That's all I fucking know. And the worst is that I _know_ it has to be bad because otherwise she would have just _told_ me."

"At least she left you with something," the brunette stated disappointedly. "I have to go. If you need anything at all, just call." And with that she finished off her beer and set it back down next to the Latina.

When she was already halfway to the door, the brunette on the floor spoke up again. "Rachel?" She turned around, not sure if she wanted to hear whatever Santana had to say. "It's not you. I know that's what you think and I get it, but this is bigger. Bigger than you, bigger than me, maybe even bigger than Quinn herself. It's not you."

"You don't know that," the singer simply answered before making her way out of the apartment.

xxxxxxxxxx

As Rachel walked through Central Park, she slowly felt the disappointment and rejection of the day wash over her. Quinn had stood her up, just like that. She had stood her up and she hadn't even bothered to leave her a message like she had done with Santana. Had she not learned from her past mistakes at all? How could she have trusted Quinn just like that _again_, just to have her heart broken _again_.

She felt unimportant and shot down. She didn't understand how Quinn could just forget about her or maybe even avoid her on purpose when all she had thought about since their night on New Year's was finally having that talk with Quinn. Finally knowing what they were and where they would go from here. And now, here she was, no Quinn, no security net, no nothing. She had let herself fall yet again and now it looked like the blonde wouldn't be there to catch her.

Worst of all, she wasn't even really angry. She was worried. She was so worried because she didn't know what had brought this up. She had no idea where the blonde was or what happened to make her leave in the middle of the night.

_She was in heaven. She must be because she was sure she had never felt anything like this before. Everywhere the blonde's hands wandered she left goose bumps behind. Having the blonde hovering above her was nothing short of amazing. The hands under her shirt were soft on her skin and she didn't feel any of the insecurities she used to feel with other people touching her. She felt loved and wanted. She felt taken care of and safe. She felt happy. _

_The lips exploring her neck and upper chest left a trail of fire on her skin, leaving her wanting more. She desperately tightened her grip on the blonde's hair and pulled her up just a little to connect their lips again. _

_How come she had never felt like this before? With simple touches and caresses Quinn had her all worked already, more than Puck or Jesse or even Finn were ever able to. She finally understood what people always talked about because this was addicting, _Quinn_ was addicting. She never ever wanted to stop doing this._

_She had never felt this close to someone. She could feel her control slip away and lost herself in everything that was Quinn. She heard moans and she wasn't sure if they came from her or the former cheerleader. _

_And before she knew what she was doing, she found herself break apart their lips just an inch and whispering "I want you" against the kiss swollen pair touching hers._

_Hazel eyes locked on hers. How had she not noticed how much they had darkened? She had never seen them this dark before and she wondered if her chocolate brown eyes had gone black through all of the making out. "Rachel, I –" _

"_Shh, don't," she simply told the blonde before reconnecting their lips with more force than before. She wanted this, she wanted this more than anything. "Rachel," she heard the blonde breathe out against her hair when she started kissing down her neck. "Oh God." It was an amazing feeling to hear the hazel eyed beauty react to her in that way. She had Quinn Fabray on top of her, moaning out her name. She must be in heaven. Until – "Rachel, wait!" – the blonde pulled back._

_She looked up at the blonde, searching those hazel eyes, trying to read them. All she found was uncertainty and inner turmoil. "Quinn?" The former cheerleader's heavy breath landed on her face and it was hard to concentrate and not stare at the heaving chest right above her, _so close_. _

"_I'm sorry," Quinn started. "I'm sorry but this is not how I want this to happen."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I want this to be ours, just ours and no one else's."_

"_It is ours."_

"_No. Our best friends are just a few feet away, passed out from too much drinking. I want this to be special; special for you, for us."_

"_But it is special," Rachel tried to reason with her, grabbing her hand and holding it to her chest, letting her feel her quickened heart beat. "It is special because it's you and me."_

"_It's not enough, Rachel. I want us to do this the right way. I want to get it right! And I want us to talk about this first, about you and me, about us." The former head cheerleader closed her eyes sadly and Rachel could see regret for stopping this. Maybe Quinn had wanted this just as much as she did._

"_Okay," the brunette simply answered, realizing how right Quinn was. _

"_Okay?" Her eyes opened again and looked back at Rachel questioningly._

"_Yes, it's okay. But can you still do something for me?"_

"_Sure, what is it?"_

"_Hold me?" The brunette looked at the woman still hovering above her as a she saw a warm smile forming in front of her, followed by a peck on her lips. _

"_Always."_

She had just reached her favorite little place in the park, sitting down on the bench, when her phone started ringing. She took it out of her purse and stared at the picture on the screen. She felt relief wash over her when she saw those hazel eyes stare back at her from the screen. She lost herself, for a while not picking up, realizing just how pathetic it was to simply forget the heartbreak of the day.

In the end though, her worry won over and she answered the call, slowly bringing the phone to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey Rach," came a raspy voice and within a second, her anger was gone and replaced by nothing but worry.

"Quinn, are you okay? Where are you? Santana is worried sick!" _And so am I_, she wanted to add but didn't.

"I know, I know, I'll call her in a few. I just wanted to hear your voice first," the blonde said in what was barely more than a whisper. "I'm sorry," she continued. "I'm so sorry. I know we were supposed to talk today and we will. As soon as I get back, we'll talk, I promise."

"It's alright," the brunette said silently. And it was, because with just these sentences, Rachel was sure that this indeed had absolutely nothing to do with her and the relief that came with that washed away the feeling of rejection. "What happened, Quinn? Where are you?"

"I'm in Lima," she said and by now Rachel was sure that Quinn had been crying, the hoarseness of her voice way too obvious.

"Why? Quinn, talk to me, please."

"I'm here to see my parents," she shared hesitantly.

"You're with your mom?" Something was wrong, terribly wrong. She could feel it.

"And Russell," Quinn added.

"What? Why?"

"He's in the hospital," the blonde stated and Rachel had difficulties hearing if it upset Quinn or if there was something else.

"How bad is it?"

"He had a heart attack. I guess drinking and smoking does that to you, huh?"

"Oh no, are you okay? Is Judy with you? Do you want me to come?"

"I'm fine. It's just Russell. My mom wanted me here, so I came," was what Quinn said but Rachel knew she was lying. Nothing about this situation was fine, absolutely nothing.

"Are you sure?" She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to push the blonde, afraid she would be pushed away for it.

"I'm okay, Rach. I just wanted to hear your voice and tell you that I'm sorry for standing you up. I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

* * *

_Like a needle in a haystack with nowhere to hide  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Like a wing-clipped eagle who's waiting to fly  
No I won't be trapped in you any longer*_

***Theory Of A Dead Man - Quiver**

**Alright, this one was longer than the last few. I hope you liked the update. It turned out a bit different from what I had planned but I still hope it turned out alright. Happy Easter everyone and let me know if you liked it ;)**


	23. Reunions

_There's nothing to say now,  
Feelings are already dead,  
And I don't believe there's a way now,  
All that is said has been said.*_

* * *

_Frantically, Quinn went through the contents of her bag searching for the little card she knew she had stored somewhere in there. After finding it, she punched the numbers into her phone quickly. She listened to the sound of her phone dialing and more than once she found herself wanting to hang up. She was determined but also scared. Like everything in her life, like life itself, this scared her. Fear had been a constant part of Quinn Fabray's life and she was sick of it. She was sick of always hiding, sick of having her guard up in order to feel safe when in the end she was nothing close to safe._

_The urge to hang up when the woman on the other end picked up was huge, it was a force and she had to fight back to not chicken out._

"_Hello?"_

"_Hey," she answered hesitantly. "It's Quinn," she breathed more than said. _

"_Quinn? Are you okay?"_

"_I don't know," she answered honestly, absolutely sick of lying. So sick of it._

"_What happened? Where are you?" The concern in the woman's voice made her heart ache because it sounded so much like a mother, the mother that she had wanted to be, the mother that she had wanted when she was younger and Judy was constantly drunk, and she felt comfortable and hurt all at once._

"_I'm in Lima," she simply answered. _

"_You're in Lima? Why? Quinn, what's wrong?" She still couldn't believe the honest concern that was so obviously there. She didn't deserve it. She knew she didn't, but God did it feel good._

"_I – Can I see her?"_

"_Now? It's 8 p.m., Quinn. She's sleeping."_

"_It doesn't have to be now. Can I see her tomorrow? Please, I need to – I want to – Can I see her, please?" She hated to beg, God how she hated it. She was bad at it, so bad because the only time she ever truly begged for something resulted in her being thrown out of her own home at sixteen and pregnant, the timer on the microwave indicating how much time she had to pack up her belongings. It had gotten her nothing, absolutely nothing, except for humiliation, devastating humiliation. _

"_You could come by tomorrow afternoon, if you want to. Is that okay?"_

"_Of course, that's perfect. When do you want me to be there?" She sounded awful, hope flooding out of her mouth like a freaking waterfall and she felt sick, she felt so sick, but she needed this. She needed it so much. Why did she need this so much?_

"_Is 4 p.m. okay for you?"_

"_Sounds good to me. I'll be there. Thank you so much, Shelby. I don't know what to say. Just – Thank you!"_

"_You're welcome, Quinn!"_

"_Thank you," she muttered again, overwhelmed by what she was feeling. What was she feeling anyway? And when had she started crying?_

"_I'll see you tomorrow. Be good, Quinn!"_

"_See you tomorrow," she choked out before hearing a click on the other end of the line. "Tomorrow," she whispered again, not able to grasp that she would actually see her daughter the next day. _Beth.

_She had waited so long for this and now that she was this close to seeing her again, she was terrified. She felt her breathing get shallow and her knees grow week. She sat down in the chair that her mother had sat in before leaving, letting it all sink in._

_xxxxxxxxxx_

Santana was woken up in the middle of the night by continuous knocks on her apartment door. When she realized that whoever was on the other side of the door was not going to stop, she clumsily rolled out of bed and staggered to the front door. "I'm coming, just stop the fucking knocking."

Without looking through the peep hole, she opened the door and blinked when she saw a wide awake brunette in front of her. Before she could even think of the obvious question of what the fuck Rachel was doing here in the middle of the night, the brunette already ran into the apartment, walking towards her bedroom.

"Excuse me?"

"Go get ready, we don't have much time. The taxi is already waiting in front of the apartment. You have ten minutes. I paid him for fifteen but you took forever to open the door. Brush your teeth, find something to wear and pack your toiletries. I'll pack your clothes."

When the Latina still didn't move and instead stared at the singer with the door still wide open, Rachel spoke up again. "Do I speak Greek? Get moving. We don't have forever. Our flight leaves in exactly 80 minutes. Go!"

"Flight? What are you doing? What flight? Where are we going?"

"Less asking, more washing. I'll explain later," the brunette said before entering the brunette's bedroom and fishing a suitcase out of the mess that the Latina called her closet before starting to throw clothes in it. When she was done with the basic stuff, she walked over to the drawers, assuming that's where she'd find socks and underwear. On her way to the bathroom, she heard the Latina mumble "I didn't know Q likes the bossy type".

Just as she was about to open one of the drawers, the Latina stepped back in and spoke up. "No way, Hobbit. If you wanna stay alive, you better step back and not open that. There's a line and if you open that, you'll cross it and I'll have to kill you."

"Stop being overdramatic. We don't have time for this."

"I mean it Berry, step back!"

When Rachel did as she was told, the Latina went past her and opened another drawer, pulling out underwear, socks and bras and throwing them into the suitcase, followed by her toiletries.

"Wait, if this is not your underwear drawer, then what's so special about it," the diva asked curiously, taking a little step closer again.

"Don't even think about it. It's none of your business, Yentl. Now get moving. You have a lot of explaining to do for dragging me to the airport in the middle of the night without even telling me where we're going."

xxxxxxxxxx

_"I'm okay, Rach. I just wanted to hear your voice and tell you that I'm sorry for standing you up. I miss you."_

_"I miss you, too."_

Quinn hung up the phone and sighed out. She wanted this to be over. She wanted to go home. This was not home anymore. The man lying in that bad was not part of her life anymore – and still he was such a huge part of who she was now. The child in the apartment across town was not hers anymore – and still so much of her.

"Frannie?" The voice was rough and quiet but Quinn still heard it due to the silence in the room.

"No, no it's just me," she answered sadly, once more reminded of how little she was worth compared to her sister with the perfect husband, the perfect house and the perfect life.

"Quinn? You came?"

"I did. I'm sorry that you're disappointed," the blonde said bitterly, desperately forcing herself to not cry.

"Disappointed? Why would I be disappointed?" His voice was rougher than she remembered.

"Well, I'm not little perfect Frannie. I'm just me, Quinn," and every part hurt, every single part of that sentence felt like a stab from inside of her vocal chords, making her throat ache upon her words.

"Don't say that. I'm glad you're here. It's been so long since I last saw you," the older man tried to reason with her, sincerity laced in his words and nothing about that was the man Quinn grew up with. The man in front of her seemed weak instead of frightening, caring instead of forceful and when did he get so old? He looked so much older than the man the blonde remembered.

"And whose fault is that?" She was bitter, so bitter. "It's been so long since you kicked me out of my home you mean!" She couldn't help it. She simply couldn't help but let the old Quinn shine through. Everything inside of her screamed defense. Defense and offense at the same time. Attack was still the best form of defense.

"That's what you want to talk about? After so many years? Can't we just leave that behind? Start anew?"

He had to be kidding, he just had to. "Excuse me? You throw me out for not being perfect, you cheat on my mother and years after instead of apologizing, you simply want me to forget? You can't be serious, Russell."

He cringed at the use of his name instead of daddy. He swallowed and looked up at her, the weakness of his body obviously wearing him down. "You're right." That must have hurt. Quinn had never ever heard these words out of his mouth before. "I'm sorry, princess. I was wrong back then. Up until that mistake you really were a good girl. But I'm still your daddy," he tried in vain.

"You're my father, not my daddy. You stopped being daddy the day I begged my _daddy_ to not leave me homeless," she sneered.

He nodded silently and Quinn forced herself to calm down a little. He was obviously trying and he looked so fragile, so extremely weak and it just felt so wrong to see him like that.

"How are you feeling?" It was a start. She could try. If he could, then so could she.

"I'm fine," he forced out, speaking obviously not being all that easy on him and it made Quinn feel even more out of place. "Why don't you tell me about Yale instead, dear?"

She felt her hands start to sweat, rubbing them against each other. "Actually, I'm not going to Yale anymore," the blonde said quietly. "I transferred to Columbia."

"Oh," he said, visibly shaken. "It's still Ivy League, that's good." Of course _that's_ what he cares about. "Why did you transfer to New York?"

"Because I needed to see a specialist for my breathing problems and he's in New York," she said calmly.

"Is this because of the accident?" She looked at him shocked. He knew? "Your mother told me a few weeks after it had happened. She sent me an email."

"And you still didn't bother to come see me?" Was she angry or just hurt? At this point she didn't even know if she felt anything.

"I didn't think you'd want to see me," he said, his voice strained.

She scoffed. Of course, that's the excuse he would choose. Still, she stayed calm and swallowed it down, trying to give him at least somewhat of a chance. He was her father after all.

"Do you live on campus?"

"No, Santana and I just moved into an apartment together."

Again, she saw him cringe. He must have heard about Santana. News travels fast in Lima, Ohio after all. He didn't say anything about that though. "So, were you talking to her earlier? On the phone?"

She hesitated but in the end settled on a simple "no" as an answer. She was not going back to hiding just to earn his approval. She didn't need it, not anymore. She was so over that.

"So, who was it?"

"I was talking to Rachel. I left on short notice and we had plans for today."

"Rachel Berry?"

"Yes," she said, already preparing herself for the fall out.

"Just be careful. We don't want you to become like _them_," he said rather disgustedly but his low voice made it hard for any emotion to clearly show. She refrained from telling him that it wasn't _them_. There was no _them_ anymore. Her mother knew and she was okay with it. The only one with a problem was he.

Still, Quinn felt the weight of the cross around her neck getting heavier. This was the one thing she still hadn't come to terms with. How did her new life fit into her religion? Did it fit at all? Should she take it off?

She wanted to yell at him, wanted to scream that she _was_ like them and that it wasn't anything to be ashamed of, that it was _okay_. But was it? Was it okay? Was anything okay right now?

The first time she sees her father after three years and he's broken in a hospital bed and despite all her effort to just hate that man – hate him for throwing her out, hate him for cheating, hate him for leaving her and, more than anything, hate him for who he made her – she simply couldn't because that broken body in the bed was not the man she remembered.

"I have to go," she simply said. And she did. She had to get away. The desire to run away, the need to escape simply too much to take. It was overpowering the way her mind screamed at her limbs to walk, to walk away from this. "I'll be back tomorrow." And she left without another word, without looking back because what was there to say?

He couldn't make her forget the past and neither could he make her forgive him for it. He had hurt her too much for that, too much for her to just look past it. If there's something that Fabray's were really bad at, it was forgiveness and maybe her mother was right; maybe she had more in common with Russell Fabray than she would ever willingly admit.

She was glad that her childhood house was in walking distance, making it easy for her to avoid being in a car. She still despised it. She could use the fresh air anyway. Upon arriving at her house, she went up to her room and lay down in her old bed, trying to block out the thoughts bombarding her and get some sleep.

xxxxxxxxxx

Jumping out of the cab at the airport, the diva dragged the Latina with her through check-in and security. Once through and with another fifteen minutes until boarding, the diva took a deep breath.

"We did it," she said, a small smile on her face despite everything.

"Can you tell me what the fuck this is about? I want to be home when Quinn comes back," the Latina said and only after a second realized how pathetic that sounded. When did she become…this?

"Aw that's so cute but don't worry about it. I thought Quinn called you, too. She said she would."

"Well duh, but she didn't know when she'd be back and I told her I'd be there but that was before you dragged me here," the Latina grumbled.

"I can't even believe you _let_ me," the singer said, shaking her head while still smiling.

"I thought you'd go all crazy diva Hulk on me if I didn't. Enough with this bullshit now. Where are we going?"

"To Lima, where else?"

"To Lima? What the fuck, Yentl. Quinn said she wanted to do this on her own. Can't you just respect that."

"Really now, Santana? Really? If you want to, you can just go see Brit. I just didn't want to go alone and I thought you would want to be there for your best friend like you said you would."

Santana looked at the brunette at the mention of her ex-girlfriend. They still hadn't talked things out. They didn't want to ruin the little time they had on Christmas. She lightened up at the thought of seeing those ocean blue eyes looking at her again.

"You're right, I'm sorry."

"Did you just apologize to me? Is Santana Lopez showing that she actually cares about me?"

"No, I'm not," the Latina said stubbornly. "You better shut up, Hobbit because I only have a counted amount of nice words every day and I'm almost out. Let's leave some for Q."

"Sure thing, San," the singer answered chuckling when the voice on the intercom announced that boarding for their flight would start in a moment.

xxxxxxxxxx

They arrived at Dayton Airport early that morning and rented a car, speeding towards Lima in no time. Taking a chance, they decided to go the Fabray mansion instead of the hospital, hoping that the blonde hadn't slept in some uncomfortable chair in some hallway.

After ringing the bell several times, Judy opened the door for them and smiled upon seeing the two girls on her front porch.

"Hey girls," the older woman said, embracing the Latina warmheartedly and with just a little hesitance doing the same with the small diva. "Quinn didn't mention that you were in town as well."

"She doesn't know yet. We just arrived," the Latina spoke up. "Is she home, Judy?"

"Yes, come on in. She's in her room. I think she's still sleeping. You know you're way around Santana," the blonde woman said, nodding once again before going back towards the kitchen.

"Thank you, Judy."

Santana walked upstairs, with Rachel right behind her. She silently opened the door to Quinn's room and looked towards the bed in the middle of the room. The blonde was curled up on her queen-size bed. She looked so tiny and vulnerable in it. The sight made Rachel's heart ache.

She slowly walked towards the front of the bed, with Santana lingering at the foot. Kneeling down in front of the blonde, she brushed away a blonde strand that hid part of the former cheerleader's face and caressed her cheeks, making the beautiful girl stir slightly. She leaned forward and kissed the blonde's forehead softly, lingering there for a few seconds. When she leaned back, confused hazel eyes stared back at her tiredly.

"Rachel? What are you doing here?"

"I came here for you, honey. And I didn't come alone," she answered softly, looking towards the brunette who still stood at the foot of the bed rather uncomfortably fidgeting with her hands.

"Hey Q," the Latina simply greeted her friend.

"Santana, you're here too?"

"Yeah, it's Streisand's fault."

"Thank you," the blonde simply said.

"You're welcome," Santana replied. "I'm gonna go hit the kitchen. I smell pancakes and this is getting way too mushy for my taste."

After the Latina had left the room, Rachel had sat down on the bed, holding one of the blonde's hands with one of her own, drawing lazy circles on the back of her hand. "Are you okay?"

"I am now. " And with that she disentangled their hands and raised the blanket for the brunette to join her under the sheets. "Lie with me?"

"Of course," Rachel answered before dropping her shoes next to the bed and facing the blonde underneath the blanket, her left hand automatically resting on the other girl's waist.

Quinn palmed the brunette's cheek and leaned forward, pressing her lips against the diva's lovingly, thanking her in her own way and hearing her sigh out softly, before snuggling into her and seeking for her warmth and comfort.

She could do this. She could get through this as long as she had the beautiful singer and her best friend there while she did. She wasn't alone in this anymore and as frightening as that was, it felt amazing all the same.

* * *

_I don't believe that you can make all the pain go away,  
So I'll leave it all behind,  
But I'm leaving with blood in my eyes.*_

**Yay, update ;) It did not take me forever this time. I hope you liked it. Please let me know if you did. Comments, questions, suggestions and wishes are always welcome. Thank you to everyone still reading! **

**Promo for next chapter: A misunderstanding leads to hard times for Brittana and Quinn finally gets to see Beth after more than a year. Also, next chapter will be inspired by a musical. I just had to! ;)**

***Blood in my eyes - Sum41  
**


	24. I live this moment as my last

**I know this took forever and I'm so sorry. So without further ado, here we go: Chapter 24.**

_Will I lose my dignity  
Will someone care  
Will I wake tomorrow  
From this nightmare?_

* * *

Rachel had been holding Quinn like this for over an hour and neither of them had said a word. It was comforting and scary all the same for her. Not knowing what the blonde was thinking or feeling had her on edge. She knew she had to be the strong one in this situation but that didn't make her any less scared. Her mind was going wild, screaming at her to get out of there while she still could.

Quinn had the tendency to run away when things got hard. She wasn't known for dealing with problems.

_He was the same way - he was always "run away - hit the road don't commit" you're full of shit._

That didn't mean the former head cheerleader wasn't strong. She was nothing but strong her whole life and Rachel knew that. She knew that most people would have broken down for good living through what Quinn did.

Running away was Quinn's way to cope when things got too hard. She runs away from it, finds herself a distraction and bounces back before ever really touching the ground. It was her strength, her self-defense. Quinn knew nothing but strength throughout her whole life and just the fact that she let Rachel hold her in this moment of weakness was worth the world.

Rachel was always the giving type. Giving was in her nature. Selflessness and forgiveness were in her nature. No matter how often the blonde had pushed her away, she had forgiven her over and over again without taking, without asking for anything.

_You gave an inch when I gave a mile._

But right now, in this moment, holding this beautiful woman in her arms, she felt like she was finally on the receiving end. She didn't know who needed this more, didn't know who comforted whom, but it didn't matter because right here, right now, she felt complete.

_How about love?  
Measure in love  
Seasons of love_

She could see the wheels in Quinn's head turning over and over and her mouth opening several times in order to say something but nothing was said. Nothing needed to be said for now.

xxxxxxxxxx

It's been over a year, more than one year since she had seen her – since she had seen Beth. It was almost the same amount of time as it was the first time. It had been seventeen months after she gave birth to Beth to when she saw her again in senior year. Though the difference was that now she knew what she was missing.

When she gave her away, she didn't think she'd ever see her – Beth again. It was a hard thing to accept but that was the deal. She wanted to give Beth her best chance at having a good life and that didn't include her, it couldn't include her because she was a mess, her life was a mess.

But after seeing her for the first time after that day, she wasn't the same. She had a taste of what it was like to be a part of her – of Beth's life and giving that up again ripped her heart out of her chest.

She felt Rachel's fingers lazily draw patterns on her hip bone. With her chocolate brown eyes staring at her worriedly, she knew exactly what the brunette was thinking. She had gotten a little thin. It wasn't on purpose, was it? She had just forgotten to eat, right? She had felt the pressure get worse over the past few weeks. When she was under pressure, she just tended to forget to eat sometimes. Nothing to worry about.

Right now, she couldn't even remember her last meal. Had she eaten at all since her mother had called her? She remembered having a coffee at the airport. She wasn't hungry. Just the thought of eating anything made her sick.

She could still feel her father's eyes on her when she had told him about being friends with Rachel. _Rachel Berry?_ It felt like Lucy all over again and she couldn't go back there. She couldn't be Lucy anymore. She wouldn't let herself be Lucy anymore. Lucy was weak and ugly and unwanted and unloved. She wasn't Lucy, was she?

_There is no future  
There is no past  
I live this moment as my last  
There's only us  
There's only this  
Forget regret_

_Or life is yours to miss_

"Hey," she heard the soft whisper from the auburn haired woman next to her as a thumb brushed over her cheek, whipping away the lone tear that had left her eyes.

When had she become so pathetic? When had she become _this_? All she wanted was to be young and carefree, just for once. She wanted something impossible; she wanted her childhood back. She wanted someone to actually give her a childhood and not a training camp for the rich and powerful.

"_It goes away, you know. Not the pretty. You'll always be pretty. But the young. It happens really slowly and you don't even notice it and then one day everything just feels different."_

Shelby's words had hurt, like knives cutting their way through her whole body but not because the older woman was right. They hurt because she was wrong and it made her realize that she never got to be young in the first place. She didn't know _how_ to be young. All she knew was fighting. It hurt because her one fear was that the _pretty _would go away because she hadn't always been pretty and it's all that she had left at that point.

"_I can't wait to feel different."_

She felt different right now. But different how? Better? Worse? It felt amazing to be held like this. But it seemed to be for all the wrong reasons. Why can't anything in her life ever just feel right?

"_Don't wish away your life. You're exactly where you're supposed to be."_

It had hit her, like lightning. She didn't even have anything to wish away. She didn't have anything to live for. She didn't even really know who she was. She wasn't a mother, she wasn't a lover, she wasn't a girlfriend, she wasn't even a friend and she wasn't even sure she was still a daughter. Who was she?

"_Quinn, you've got what I call Rich White Girl problems."_

So rich white girls were supposed to have a child and give it away? They were supposed to have divorced parents who are divorced _because_ of her? Being a rich white girl automatically meant being alone? Is that what it _should _be like to be a rich white girl?

"_Beth loves her mom. Shelby is her real mom. Look, you've done a lot of really bad things Quinn but if you tell people about this Puck and Shelby thing, you'll be ruining this little girl's life and then you'll have really hit rock bottom."_

It had made all the difference. _Rachel_ had made all the difference. She always did. She was the one constant thing in her life. Rachel was always there, even when she had wished she wasn't.

"Do you know when I was completely sure?"

"Sure about what Quinn?"

"That I'm in love with you," was the blonde's simple answer. She needed to get this out now. She was Quinn Fabray. She wasn't weak. She wasn't Lucy. She was in love with the girl lying next to her, holding her, and she needed her to know that. She needed her to know that this was real. And the shocked look on Rachel's face told her that it was about time.

"Do you remember Sectionals during senior year?"

"How could I ever forget? After all, I wasn't allowed to compete," the brunette grumbled and made Quinn fall in love all over again. How did she do that? Something so little, something so _Rachel_, made Quinn realize that she never wanted to leave this moment.

"That's all you remember about that day?" She gave her question her famous raised eyebrow to give away the slight playfulness it held.

"Of course not," Rachel answered almost too quickly. "It's just-" the auburn haired girl struggled to find the right words, the nervousness all too clear on her face. "I thought that a moment like that would include me singing."

Quinn's first assumption was that that was what Rachel would have wanted, in order to have a moment like that combined with her greatest passion, to make it a romantic story that she could tell her friends at NYADA and her dads. But the way that her eyes looked anywhere but at her, avoiding eye contact made her realize something essential about the woman holding her. Just like that, it had struck her like lightning.

"Rachel, you are way more than just your voice. You know that, right? You are so much more to me than that."

Hopeful chocolate brown eyes connected with hers and before she could say more, she felt lips crash against hers and silence whatever she had wanted to add to that.

"_You're a lot better than you know."_

xxxxxxxxxx

After a huge amount of pancakes, Santana decided that she couldn't wait any longer to see Brittany. She needed to make use of this unplanned visit to Lima. Sure, she was here for Quinn, but the blonde and her little Broadway singer still hadn't come out of their love chamber, so what's the harm?

She told Judy about her plans and that she'd be back in a couple of hours. She also told her to call her if the two lovebirds ever decided to leave the bed. And although Judy looked a little disturbed by Santana's insinuations, she simply nodded before the Latina left the house.

Standing in front of the doors to McKinley High still felt strange. This is where Santana learned to be strong, learned to defend herself, learned to destroy the competition. But this is also where she learned how to open up, to let her walls down; this is where she learned to love in more than one way and it's where she found herself. It strangely felt like this was _home_.

After a short reminiscing trip to the auditorium, she decided to drop by the choir room before hunting down the blonde dancer. Upon approaching the room that held so many memories, she heard music filter through the closed door and a warm feeling spread throughout her body. This is still the place she came to love over the course of the last few years.

_Live in my house,  
I'll be your shelter,  
Just pay me back  
With one thousand kisses  
Be my lover  
and I'll cover you_

She recognized the blonde boy's voice before she had made it all the way there and a smile spread across her face because even though she would probably deny it when asked, she really did have a soft spot for Trouty Mouth. The girl that was serenaded could definitely consider herself lucky.

Curiously, she made the last few steps towards the choir room door to peak through and see who the girl is. Upon looking through the window though, she felt the air leave her lungs. With every note and every word the Latina felt herself falling, all hope gone that her blonde would be there to catch her.

Seeing Brittany sitting in the front row with a small smile on her face as Sam laid out his heart on a silver plate reminded her of junior year when she had done the exact same thing. A lone tear made its way down her cheeks when she realized that this was exactly why she had broken up with Brittany. She wanted her to be happy. She wanted her to be with someone who could be there for her. She wanted her to have everything and she knew that she couldn't provide that anymore.

_If you're cold and you're lonely  
You've got one nickel only  
With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you,  
With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you._

She couldn't believe that she had let Brittany convince her otherwise. She couldn't believe that she had let down all of her walls for this. She couldn't believe that she had been stupid enough to _hope_.

She was brought back to reality when the song ended and blue eyes connected with hers through the small window. She shot her one more look before she let her feet take over and carry her out of the halls of McKinley, her name echoing off the walls of the hallway in a desperate plea. In that moment, when exiting the building, she realized that even though this felt like home, it wasn't anymore.

"Santana, wait! San, please let me explain!"

xxxxxxxxxx

When Quinn and Rachel made their way downstairs, a huge pile of pancakes was laid out on the kitchen table, accompanied by a plate full of bacon. Judy smiled at them but her eyes still portrayed worry upon seeing Quinn's obviously too thin form.

"Good morning, Quinnie."

"Where's Santana?"

"Visiting Brittany," Judy answered shortly. "I made breakfast," the older blonde said matter-of-factly while pointing towards the pile of food. "Santana mentioned you're vegan," she said, looking at the brunette. "I have a fruit salad prepared for you in the fridge if you're hungry."

"Thank you Mrs. Fabray," Rachel answered as politely as ever.

"Oh nonsense, Rachel. That makes me sound old. Please just call me Judy."

"Alright, thank you Judy," the brunette answered with a wide smile on her face.

"Mom, I actually don't have time for this now. I have somewhere to be in the afternoon, so if I want to go see Russell, I need to do it now. But thanks for making breakfast anyway," the blonde said, already heading towards the door.

"Lucy Quinn Fabray, come back and eat your breakfast."

Quinn flinched. She hated when her mother called her by her full name. She wasn't Lucy anymore. She hated it even more than being called "Quinnie".

"Quinn please, just try to eat something and then we can head to the hospital, okay?"

The blonde turned around and looked at the girl across from her. Did she always look so sad? "Okay." She sat down and took one of the pancakes onto a plate and some bacon while Judy sat down the fruit salad for Rachel right next to her.

"God Rachel, if I had known it was that easy, I would have definitely taken advantage of that earlier. Where have you been during her pink hair phase?" The older blonde asked, shaking her head with a smile on her face.

"Beneath the bleachers, begging me to come back to Glee club," Quinn replied for the brunette, smiling at her in a way that Judy had never witnessed before and it made her own face light up.

_Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.  
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play._

"Where are you going anyway this afternoon?" Judy only now realized that she wasn't aware of her daughter having plans for the day.

She saw her daughter and Rachel lock eyes again and watched how the brunette's hand covered the pale one on the table naturally, squeezing for reassurance. "To Shelby's," Quinn answered after returning her gaze towards her mother. "I'm going to see Beth today."

_The earth turns, the sun burns, _

_but I die, without you._

xxxxxxxxxx

_Find the one song  
Before the virus takes hold  
Glory  
Like a sunset  
One song  
To redeem this empty life_

When they entered the hospital, Rachel could see Quinn hiding away in her own little world, oblivious to the rush going on around her. She carefully tried to take the blonde's hand but stopped when she felt the former cheerleader flinch upon the first contact of their hands. She turned to look at her, expecting to have frightened eyes lock with her worried ones but Quinn kept her gaze straight ahead, her whole body seemed to be running on autopilot.

"Quinn?"

The blonde didn't give an answer and instead just stopped in front of one of the hospital rooms, taking the time to look through the window, her hand halting in midair on its way to the doorknob. Rachel glanced around her to see a blonde woman stand next to Russell Fabray's bed and there was absolutely no doubt that this was Quinn's sister. Rachel took a mental picture of the woman, knowing that this was what Quinn would look like a few years from now.

"Quinn?" She tried again, a hesitant hand connecting with the stunned girl's shoulder.

"We should leave," she heard the blonde whisper but she didn't move an inch.

"Why?"

"Because he doesn't need me anymore. She's here now." And with that Quinn turned around, ready to leave.

"Quinn, wait! Do you not want to greet your sister?"

"No," was her simply answer and with that Quinn walked along the halls slowly, waiting for the brunette to catch up.

She couldn't stay because in that moment she felt more like Lucy than she had in years and she couldn't let that happen. At least this way she would get out of this situation faster than she thought and by tomorrow she'll be on her way back to New York City, her new home.

xxxxxxxxxx

_No other road  
No other way  
No day but today_

"Quinn, are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"Yes, I'm positive," the blonde said from the passenger seat. "Next time, Rach. I promise!"

"Why not today? What makes today so much different?"

"Everything, Rachel. Everything is different!"

"Then explain it to me," the brunette begged. She wanted to be there for her so desperately. She didn't want her to go through this alone. She needed to feel connected to this part of her. She needed Quinn to let her in.

"There's so much to explain," the blonde sighed out. "To start with, you haven't seen Shelby in a while and I don't want you to feel awkward and do this just because you feel like you need to. Also, Shelby doesn't know about us, about this, whatever this is. I want us to talk about this before we take the big steps. And we will talk, I promise you we will. But if I'm honest, for the most, I just need to do this on my own. I need this moment. It's been so long since – I haven't seen her in over a year." A tear made its way down the former cheerleader's cheek. "She's almost four now, Rachel. Almost four and I've missed everything. I need this. Can you understand that?"

The singer turned her head away from the woman next to her and looked out of the windshield of the rental car. She understood, she really did. She just didn't want to let her out of her sight right now. She knew she had lost this fight when she returned her gaze to the blonde and saw the sad yet hopeful look in her watering hazel eyes. So she gave in with a simply "okay" falling from her lips.

"Okay?"

"Okay," she repeated.

"Are you going to pick me up afterwards? Maybe we could go out for dinner," the blonde asked hesitantly.

"Yes, I'd really like that. Just let me know when to pick you up," Rachel answered, her mood lifting up upon seeing that Quinn was in fact not shutting her out.

The former head cheerleader slowly leant over the middle console and kissed the diva on the left cheek, lingering for little more than a second and with one last glance exited the car.

xxxxxxxxxx

_There's only yes  
Only tonight  
We must let go  
To know what's right  
No other course  
No other way  
No day but today_

Quinn shifted uncomfortably while she watched Rachel drive off with one last wave directed at her. Taking a deep breath, she entered the building, climbing up the familiar steps to Shelby's apartment.

"_I reached out to you. I came back here, so that you and my daughter could have a relationship."_

She remembered the last time she was here as if it was yesterday and it made her halt on the last few steps. Shaking her head, she slowly continued her way up the stairs and came to a stop in front of the apartment's door, lifting her fist up to knock at the door.

"_We're done here. I hope you see this as a wake-up call. Just because you take out your nose ring and dye your hair blonde again, it doesn't make you any less lost."_

She hesitated with her hand still up in the air and slowly lowered it again. She was lost back then. What had changed? What made her any more fit to see Beth now? She was still just as lost as she was in senior year. She was still that girl. Who was she fooling here?

Shaking her head, she turned around, lowering her gaze to her feet as she walked away from the apartment door, the clicking of her boots on the ground echoing through the hallway.

She was just about to walk down the stairs, when the door opened.

"Quinn?"

What now? Run? Hide? Pretend that she forgot something important and needed to go?

"Quinn?" The voice was closer now but she still didn't turn around, fearing she would see the same disapproval that she saw last time she came here.

A soft touch to her shoulder urged her to turn around. "Come on. Why don't you come in and have a seat on the couch, while I make us some tea?"

"Okay," she whispered and berated herself for how pathetic and small she sounded. _Well, hello Lucy._

When Shelby sat down next to her with a steaming cup of tea held out for Quinn to take, she looked at her intently. "Are you okay, Quinn?"

"Why now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why am I allowed to see her now?"

"Because I want her to know you, Quinn. Because I want you to know her."

"What changed?"

"You," the brunette said softly and it reminded her so much of Rachel. It was almost as if the singer was with her in this moment. Right here, right now and yet it wasn't.

"How do you know?"

"I've known for a while, I just didn't know how to get a hold of you. I know about your accident, I know that you graduated at the top of your class, I know that you went to Yale and I know that the lost little girl from the beginning of senior year wouldn't have been able to do all that."

"You're wrong. I'm still lost, I got into Yale before my accident and I'm not studying there anymore."

"You moved to New York and transferred to Columbia. I know that, too."

"How? Did Rachel tell you all this?" Her voice sounded accusing. Was there relationship that good? She didn't know that they were this close. She felt betrayed, she felt exposed, she felt vulnerable. How could Rachel do this to her?

"No, no, of course not. Well, she did tell me about New York and Columbia but not any of the other things. She was so happy about seeing you again. She told me in her last email. I talked to Mr. Schuester and I was there at your graduation ceremony and heard your speech as Valedictorian. I needed to know that you're ready before reaching out to you again."

"What if I'm not? What if I'm not ready?" _Lucy, will you shut up already?_ This didn't feel like her. Anxiety made its way through her body and filled every single inch of her. She couldn't let this get to her. She couldn't sit in front of this woman like this; so bare.

"Then you wouldn't have come here."

"Where is she?" It was short of a whisper but it was all she could manage without breaking down completely.

"In her room playing. Do you want to see her?"

"I do," was the simple answer before she slowly followed Shelby to the room across the apartment, every step making her feet feel heavier.

When Shelby slowly opened the door, while looking back at her reassuringly, she saw the blonde sit in the middle of the room, surrounded by stuffed animals.

"Are you Quinn?" Her name sounded a lot more like Kinn but it didn't matter because for Quinn it was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard.

"Yes," the blonde said hesitantly, not knowing how much Shelby told her about her or if the little girl had any memories of her.

"I told her you were coming over and showed her a picture from your graduation that Rachel sent me."

The little girl eyed her for a second, her eye brow rising the tiniest bit, and it hit Quinn hard just how much she looked like her.

"Do you wanna play with me?"

xxxxxxxxxx

After three hours the blonde reluctantly stood up, Beth's bed time approaching fast. When she was about to leave the room, the little version of herself wrapped herself around her left leg, holding on tightly. A broken whimper escaped the former cheerleader and she looked down at the wonder in her arms with her eyes glazed over, softly stroking her head. In that moment, for once, Quinn didn't feel like the ground was swallowing her whole. She felt complete in a way that she never thought she'd feel ever again. With Beth in her arms, she felt whole. It felt as if a long missing piece of her puzzle was finally returned to her and Quinn couldn't help but smile through the tears that slowly made their way down her pale cheeks.

* * *

_Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear  
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes  
How do you measure, measure a year?  
_

**All the lyrics in this chapter are from the musical Rent and the quotes of course are from Glee episodes in season 3.  
**

**Now, I really hope people are still reading this. I'm honestly very sorry for taking so long. I've been writing my Bachelor thesis and handed it in about two weeks ago and after that I just needed a break from writing I guess. Still, I hope you enjoyed the update. Please let me know if you did and if there's anything else you need to tell me, feel free to do so in a review. Thank you so much to everyone who reads this story. It means the world to me that you do! Kisses from Los Angeles!**


	25. You let her go

_You see her when you close your eyes  
Maybe one day you'll understand why  
Everything you touch surely dies*_

* * *

They drove in silence and she tried not to push Quinn, knowing that if given enough time, the blonde would come around on her own. Only when she stopped at a red traffic light did she realize that she didn't even know where they were going.

"So, where do you want to have dinner?" She turned to look at the young woman sitting next to her, who seemed surprised by the broken silence, turning her gaze away from the window.

"My mom asked if we would want to have dinner with her, actually." Quinn's words lacked any confidence, her eyes not quite meeting Rachel's.

"Oh," the brunette answered, not knowing why suddenly words failed her. As the light turned to green, she slowly continued her drive, turning right on the next intersection and heading towards the Fabray mansion.

"We don't have to. I told her we had plans. If you would rather go somewhere else, I understand."

"No, it's okay. I just-" She broke off, unsure how to phrase her worries. "What am I?" She blurted it out, not knowing if this was the right time or place but still desperately needing to know.

The former cheerleader seemed confused, her eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"When we have dinner with your mother tonight, what am I? I don't know how to act because I don't know the role I'm supposed to play."

"I don't want you to play a role, Rachel. I want you to be yourself," the blonde said with a smile playing on her lips at Rachel's thoughtfulness.

"That's not what I meant. Will I be an old classmate, an old friend or will I be a friend with potential for more. I don't know who I will be to her and therefore I don't know how to act. I know we haven't had our talk yet and I don't want to put any pressure on you. I just need to know how to act around your mother before we have dinner with her."

When Rachel stopped at another light, she felt pale fingers intertwine with her tanned ones and looked at their joined hands. How could something so little feel so right? She felt and saw how a pale thump moved over her knuckles and looked up to see hazel eyes bore into her chocolate brown ones.

"You're the woman I'm in love with and she knows that. She was the first to know. Or at least the first one I told about you. Santana and Brittany claim to have known for a long time," the blonde said shaking her head slightly, her hair falling into her face from the movement and Rachel was sure that the woman in front of her had to be the definition of beauty.

"Quinn, I-" What was she supposed to say? This was the second time in one day that Quinn had told her that she was in love with her. Why couldn't she just say it back? She knew that she loved her. She knew that without a doubt.

"You don't need to say anything, Rach. Just be yourself tonight, okay? My mom already likes you, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. You had her wrapped around your little finger during breakfast. Dinner won't be any different, Rachel."

xxxxxxxxxx

When Rachel parked the car in the Fabray's driveway they were greeted by a sight that was sure to change their plans for the evening. A crying Brittany on the front porch was absolutely not how Quinn and Rachel had pictured their evening.

Quinn jumped out of the car first, quickly making the way over to the blonde and wrapping her up in her arms. "Brit, what happened?"

"She got it all wrong. It wasn't like that."

"B, what are you talking about?"

"I just need her to listen to me but she doesn't want to see me. I swear it wasn't what it looked like at all."

Quinn and Rachel flinched at that statement because that's the usual thing to say after getting caught and it didn't speak of innocence at all. To have someone like Brittany say these words was the most paradox thing in the world. The blonde dancer was the incarnation of innocence and these words didn't fit with that image. Quinn herself had used these words one too many times during her high school years.

Rachel hesitantly sat down next to the two former cheerleaders, feeling more and more out of place when placing a comforting hand on the blonde's thigh, while sharing a sad smile with Quinn.

When the door behind them opened, Quinn desperately hoped that it was the Latina standing behind them but when she turned around she was greeted by her mother with a steaming cup in her hand, that turned out to be hot chocolate, and a blanket that was quickly wrapped around the shivering blonde. Quinn's eyes connected with Rachel for a second to make sure that the brunette would stay with their crushed friend when she got up to talk to her mother.

"Where is she?"

"She's in the guest room."

"Why didn't you let Brit in? It's freaking cold out here."

"Santana told me she would leave if I did, so I asked Brittany to go."

"Well she's still here, mom."

"I know. I just now saw that. What do you think I'm doing, honey?"

The blonde sighed out and turned around towards the two women on the steps of the front porch. She felt helpless, so extremely helpless. How was she supposed to fix this?

"Rachel, can you please drive Brittany home. It seems as if she came here without her car."

"I ran here," the blonde shared through quiet sobs. "And I'm not leaving before she hears me out."

"Brit, you need to go home," Quinn tried while kneeling down in front of her friend. "I'll talk to her, okay?"

"I can't lose her again, Q. It hurts too much to be without her."

"I know sweety, I know. We'll fix this."

xxxxxxxxxx

"So, will you tell me what happened?"

Their journey in Rachel's car was silent, too silent for her liking and in the end curiosity as always got the better of her.

"Sam asked to meet me in the choir room and he had this whole speech ready about how he liked me and how glad he was when he heard that Santana and I were over and how perfect he and I would be." She sighed deeply before continuing. "I told him off. I told him that I wasn't over Santana and that we might try again and even though he was disappointed, he still seemed-"she stopped to contemplate her next words, "hopeful, I guess. He said that he had prepared a song and that he still wanted to sing it because he cared about me and he said something about never knowing what the future holds. I kind of stopped listening at some point."

"So, if nothing happened, why is Santana avoiding you?"

"Well, his song was a love song and when it ended, I saw her through the window of the choir room's door. When our eyes locked, she simply ran. I know my Sanny. I know what she thinks. She thinks that she's holding me back. She thinks she can't give me everything I need, so she refuses to see me because this way it's easier for her to break it off."

"What makes you think that she's not just being jealous or that it's not just her hurt pride?"

"I know her, Rachel. No one knows her like I do and when it comes to the two of us, she'll always put me first. She'd rather be hurt than see me get hurt. She thinks she can't make me happy, so she lets me go."

"Is she right? Is she holding you back? Would you be with Sam if it wasn't for her?"

"It doesn't matter. I don't want to think of not being with her anymore. I don't want to think of what ifs. It doesn't matter who I would be with if she wasn't there because she _is_ and I don't want to be with anyone else."

"Why now? Why haven't you done anything before?"

"_You know this isn't working."_

Brittany closed her eyes, trying to push away the feelings that the memories of that day brought back. "Because I was broken. I even forgot to feed Lord Tubbington for 6 hours. He almost died."

Rachel simply ignored the second part of the cheerleader's statement and went on, desperately trying to understand. "And you're not broken anymore?"

"_You know, I will always love you the most."_

"I am, but I'm ready to fix it," Brittany simply answered. "When she left, I was a mess. I didn't just have a long distance relationship with my girlfriend. I also had a long distance relationship with my best friend. And when she came back and broke up with me, I was simply lost. I was trying to make sense of it. I was trying to find out why she didn't want me anymore. I thought that that was the reason for the break-up but I came to my senses and I'm ready to fight now."

"What makes you so sure that it's going to be different this time around?" Rachel wasn't sure why she was asking all these questions. Surely, she was just trying to protect both of her friends from further getting hurt, right? Or maybe she was actually trying to find some answers herself.

"I just know. My body doesn't feel complete without her pinky finger linked to mine. She's my other half. I'm sure you'll understand that soon. Although, you're tiny and so is your pinky, so you should probably give Quinn your whole hand. You know, just to make sure you don't lose each other."

"_I love you Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in this world. Because of that, I think anything's possible."_

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_Staring at the ceiling in the dark  
Same old empty feeling in your heart  
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast*_

"Come on Santana, open up! It's me!" After several rounds of knocking, Quinn was starting to get frustrated and slightly worried, even though the high volume of another Adele song made her role her eyes.

"S, she's not here anymore, okay? Rachel is driving her home. It's just me, I promise."

The door slowly opened and as Quinn entered the room, Santana made her way back towards the bed, curling up on it.

"Santana, you just need to let her ex-"

"Don't you dare tell me what to do, Q. I saw it. I saw everything. I don't need her stupid explanation, okay?"

"What? What did you see?"

"He was singing to her, he was singing a love song to her and she just sat there and listened with that damn cute smile on her face. Just like…just like she did when I sang to her."

"Who was singing to her?"

"Stupid Trouty Mouth," she hissed, a broken sob daring to escape her lips.

"I'm sure it's not what-"

"Not what it looks like? Oh come on, Q. We both know it's always what it looks like. I just don't get it okay? I let her go. I let her go so that someone else could make her happy but she came back. _She_ came back to _me_. And for what? Just to turn her back on me? What is this? Payback or something?"

"Okay, stop. Do you even hear yourself talking? San, we both know that Brittany is not capable of something like payback. There is not one bad bone in her body, especially not when it comes to you."

"I just don't understand. I did the right thing._ She_ convinced me to try again. How could she do this to me?"

"Santana, we don't even know what really happened. You need to talk to her about this. Just hear her out."

"I can't. It was right to let her go. Today proved that I was right."

_Well you only need the light when it's burning low  
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow  
Only know you love her when you let her go*_

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"How is she?"

"Not good," Quinn answered her mother's question, mirroring her worried expression. "I honestly don't know what to do."

Just when Judy opened her mouth to say something, the door bell rang. Quinn got up to open the door for Rachel and was surprised when the brunette fell into her arms, holding on tightly. She heard the singer breathe in deeply, inhaling the scent of her hair. "Rachel, what-"

But before she could finish, the girl in her arms had pulled back just enough to connect their lips, pressing them together in desperate need, what for Quinn didn't know. It wasn't erotic or fast paced, simply lips pressed against lips, trying to be as close as humanly possible, as Rachel connected their bodies letting them touch the same way their lips did and let her hands rest on either side of Quinn's face. When the diva slowly pulled back and connected their foreheads, Quinn's eyes stayed close, reveling in the feeling of having the brunette this close, feeling her breath on her lips.

"Please don't ever let go," she heard her whisper against them before those full lips pecked hers again.

* * *

_Only know you've been high when you're feeling low  
Only hate the road when you're missing home  
Only know you love her when you let her go  
And you let her go*_

**Update! Absolutely not what I was originally going for but someone wanted Brittana, so I will go into that a little further. Next chapter will have what I had actually planned, just slightly altered. We're getting some Judy/Quinn interaction and a flashback for Quinn! I hope you still enjoy this. Just let me know with a little review ;) Love you guys! You're the best!  
**

***Passenger - Let her go**

**The quotes used are from season 2 and 4 of Glee.**


	26. The Loner

"_Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."  
― Jodi Picoult, __My Sister's Keeper_

* * *

Francine Fabray thought she had seen about everything when it comes to her family, but when she slowly pulls up across the street of the Fabray mansion and sees the brunette in her sister's arms grabbing her face and pressing their lips together, she was proven wrong. For a second she thought she might be in front of the wrong house but as they pull back slightly, never far enough to disconnect their bodies, she can make out Quinn's features and finds that she has never seen the blonde this…comfortable, so openly happy.

She is even more shocked when her mother walks up behind them and greets the brunette, who she still hadn't placed yet, with a warm hug and a smile on her face, showing no sign of disapproval. She sees Judy look at that girl as if she was part of the family and Francine wonders how she could have missed something this big. Moreover, she feels her heart sink, when she realizes that she can't remember the last time her mother had embraced her like that.

Slowly, she makes her way out of the car and locks it, making her way towards the front porch with a frown on her face. Her mother is the first to notice her and even though she seems to light up a little, her eyes show worry just the same.

"Frannie!"

"Hi mom," she says quietly, hoping that her mother would find it in herself to hug her just the same way she did to the unknown brunette just a few seconds ago. However the doorway seems to be filled with unbearable tension when her sister and her _lover? girlfriend?_ turn around and look at her wide-eyed. And for the third time since her arrival she is shocked, when the brunette turns out to be none other than Rachel Berry, Leroy and Hiram's daughter.

The silence became more and more unbearable and she was desperately trying to come up with something good to say but all she could come up with was "Hey Quinn," and she felt herself fall a little deeper when all she got back in return was a cold glare and a nod accompanied by "Hi Fran".

Silence. There it was again and Francine couldn't stand silence. She absolutely hated it. Because it meant waiting for the storm to come and there was always a storm in the waiting.

Luckily, her mother knew her all too well. "It's not too late to heat up the dinner I cooked earlier. Come on, let's eat."

"I'm not hungry," her sister quickly stated before leaving for the living room, Rachel silently following her. And it had her worried because the first thing she noticed upon coming closer to the front door was how thin she had gotten. She could make out the younger blonde's cheekbones, something that seemed unnatural when it came to Quinn because even after all the weight loss, her cute rosy cheeks had always stayed, something Quinn was more than self-conscious about for a long time.

She watched them leave and turned to watch her mother's eyes following them worriedly. The oldest Fabray sighed out exasperatedly.

"I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry. I just heard she was here and I wanted to see her…and you. I'm just going to leave again. I'm sorry."

"Nonsense, Frannie. You're my daughter, just as much as she is. She'll calm down. Just give her a few minutes. She had a hard day."

"We both know that she won't come around, mom. I'm just going to check into a hotel. I'll only be here for two nights anyway," Francine said while turning around and walking towards the front door again.

"Francine Danielle Fabray, you are not sleeping in a hotel while your old room is still up there. Now go and have some food with your old mother so we can catch up."

She reluctantly turned around and followed the older woman into the kitchen. Once there, she slowly and quietly walked towards the adjoin living room, taking in the scene in front of her while her mother heated up dinner. Her sister was sitting on the ground, Rachel behind her with her arms and a blanket wrapped around her comforting and protectively. She strained her ears to hear what they were quietly conversing about.

"Is it always like this?"

"Only when we see each other," she heard her sister reply coldly.

"Maybe you should talk to her, Quinn."

"I don't have anything to say to her."

"You don't mean that," she heard Rachel insist and Francine hoped more than anything that she was right.

"I do," her sister said, crushing her last hope of reconnection with her younger sibling. "I should go see how Santana's doing," she sighed out. Santana was here?

"Don't. Just stay here. I'll check on her," Rachel told her and carefully untangled her arms from around the blonde, dropping a short and sweet kiss on Quinn's shoulder. She stood up and draped the blanket over her shoulders and leaned in to whisper something in the blonde's ear that Francine couldn't hear.

"They're sweet, aren't they?" She hadn't heard her mother walking up behind her and as she looked at Rachel walking towards the staircase she wasn't sure what to feel anymore.

"How can you be so okay with this, mom?"

"How can I not? You saw them. When was the last time you have seen your sister like this?"

"I don't know."

"I know you don't, because you haven't. I abandoned her once and I will never let her go again, no matter what happens. If this is what makes her happy, then I will support her every step of the way. You should know more than anyone that she deserves this happiness."

"I do."

xxxxxxxxxx

_When Francine came home from cheerleading practice, her hair tied up in a high ponytail and the cheerleader uniform perfectly fit to her body, she went to the living room to greet her daddy. Upon walking in however, she once again noticed the open bottle of rum on the living room table and a half empty glass next to it. Her father was nowhere in sight but she did hear him accompanied by a loud crash in the kitchen. _

_She slowly made her way over and peeked in to find her sister kneeling on the floor next to a broken plate and what looks like a sandwich on the ground, her hand clutching her cheek and tears running down her cheeks. _

"_You said you were going to try," she heard her father yell out at a sobbing Quinn. "Is this what trying looks like? You're an embarrassment to this family."_

_She wanted to go in there. She wanted to stand between them and tell him that that was not the way he should treat his daughter but she didn't. She couldn't. She simply stood by and watched. _

_When her sister's eyes met hers, she swallowed hard, the plea in those hazel eyes obvious. Pain reflected from them and Francine could feel it pulse through her, could feel it choking her. _

_Noticing his youngest daughter's focus behind him, Russell turned around to look at the other blonde. _

"_Frannie, there you are. See Lucy, you should look up to your sister. She's everything that a father could ever want. Maybe you should think about that next time you decide to eat a sandwich," he said, looking at Francine with pride written all across his face. But she couldn't help but notice that that was all she could see when she thought all she wanted to see was love. He turned back towards his youngest daughter and sneered at her drunkenly. "Now get out of my face and go do your homework." _

_When Quinn walked by her and her watery eyes met hers yet again, a small bruise forming on her left cheek, she felt guilt wash through her but it was still not enough to jeopardize her relationship with her father over. _

"_Frannie, go ahead and clean up your sister's mess. God knows, if she's in the kitchen for one more minute, she'll find something else to push down her throat."_

xxxxxxxxxx

Quinn swallowed hard, thinking about her sister's recent attempts at reconnecting. She knew she tried but the former head cheerleader simply couldn't find it in herself to forgive her. She just couldn't. She had shoved her into the same box as her father and hid it in the far away corner of her closet, hoping to never have to deal with either of them again and now here she was, facing both of them.

When she heard footsteps behind her, she didn't bother to turn around, simply waiting for the brunette to settle sown behind her again, her body already yearning for the comfort of the singer's arms, for the coconut smell of her hair, for her warmth surrounding her and promising a better tomorrow.

She flinched however, when she saw the blonde sitting down next to her, letting out a soft sigh.

"That night in the kitchen, was it the first time?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Fran."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Was it the first time?"

"No. Happy?"

"Why have you never told me about it?"

"Maybe because you wouldn't have listened," the younger Fabray sighed out dejectedly.

"You don't know that!"

"I do. You never checked up on me that night and you never asked about it again until now," she said coldly, matter-of-factly. "Why now? It's been over six years. What is this really about?"

"I'm sorry for not being there."

"After six years?"

"That's not what I meant," she said rather self-consciously. "I mean, I'm sorry for _never_ being there."

"Don't," Quinn simply said. "Just don't, Fran." It was a punch in the face. The words slowly increased the crack in her heart left by the non-existent relationship with her sister.

And with that Francine accepted defeat, something she rarely ever did but nothing was ever normal when it came to her and Quinn. "Did I ever know you at all?" How could she have lived with her for fifteen years and still feel like she was a stranger?

"You didn't care enough to," the former cheerleader answered without facing her sister.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Are you okay?"

"I think so," Quinn answers softly and took the cup of hot chocolate that her mother offered her with a warm smile on her face that did nothing to cover up her concern.

"She's trying, you know?"

"She's too late," the younger blonde said, quietly shaking her head in disappointment.

"Who says it's too late? It wasn't too late for me when I came to your Regionals performance."

"_Quinnie__, I __want__you__to__come__home__with__me__."_

"That was different."

"How was that any different, Quinnie?"

"I didn't have a real home, no family. I had absolutely no one," the former cheerleader presses out, trying hard not to relive those painful months.

"So you're saying that I only got a chance because you felt like I was your _only_ chance?"

"No, of course not. You deserved it."

"No? What is it then? Why did I deserve that chance? Why doesn't she?"

"I don't know, okay? You're my mom."

"Russell is your dad, Frannie is your sister," her mother tried to argue.

"It's different."

"_I __can__turn__the__guest__room__into__ a __nursery__."_

"What makes it different?"

"You said exactly the right thing. You showed that you accepted whatever choice I was going to make. You made sure to show me that there was no judgment anymore and that was exactly what I needed at that time."

"Quinnie, can I ask you something and have you promise to not run away from it?"

"I'll try," Quinn answered self-consciously.

"Did you want to keep her?"

There was a long stretch of silence and Judy saw the two brunettes standing in the hallway, dead silent. She wasn't sure when they had come downstairs and how much they had heard but they had obviously heard her question. She was just about to announce their arrival and dismiss their conversation for now when her daughter spoke up again.

"Yes." It was quiet yet sure and sincere. It broke her heart in two because she should have known. She should have known that it was never the right thing for a mother to be separated from her child.

"Oh honey, why didn't you? I would have helped you. I would have been there for you."

"It wasn't what I wanted for her. I didn't want her to have a mother that started off thinking of her as a drunken mistake and only grew to love her over the months. I didn't want her to grow up with a Lima Loser because that's what I would have become if I was to keep her. I would have never left for university and would have probably ended up working at a supermarket or as a waitress at breadsticks or something. She's my perfect thing and I wanted her to grow up like that. I wanted her to have a mom that loved her right from the start and wanted her not because she just happened to be there."

Judy didn't know what to say. She simply leaned forward and enveloped her youngest daughter in her arms, looking at the two girls standing across the room, shocked at the blonde's honest and broken words. She felt her daughter's silent tears soaking the front of her shirt and found herself never wanting to let go. Way too soon for Judy, Quinn entangled herself and took her mug while standing up.

"Thank you, mom," she said, leaning down once more and dropping a kiss on her mother's cheek.

Upon turning around she saw the two shocked brunettes still standing in the doorway to the living room, staring at her. Her face hardened, pushing away all sadness and turning it into anger. This was not something that she wanted either of them to hear. At least not like this.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Quinn, we didn't-" but the blonde ignored Rachel's attempt to calm her completely.

"Answer the question," she said turning towards the Latina.

"A while," Santana answered, knowing that lying won't get her anywhere either.

"You of all people should know better, Santana," she hissed out.

Without another glance at them she walked past them and went towards the front door, grabbing her jacket and slamming the door shut.

xxxxxxxxxx

Upon Rachel's attempt to follow her, Santana grabbed the diva's wrist and stopped her advances. "Don't," she simply told her. "She'll come back. She just needs to cool off."

"It's the middle of the night, Santana. I'm not going to let her walk around on her own."

"She'll be fine. I'm quite sure that I know where she's going," the Latina told her with a sigh and went to sit down on the couch next to were Judy had settled down a few seconds earlier.

"What did she mean, Santana?" The brunette looked at Judy sadly before answering her.

"In Junior year of high school, I overheard her talking to Finn. I had known about her pregnancy way before anyone else did. She didn't talk to me for weeks."

"That doesn't mean she needs to storm out. We love her and she knows that," Rachel spoke up from her position in front of the couch.

"It makes her feel vulnerable, threatened."

"Why would she feel threatened? She knows that we would never want to hurt her."

The Latina took a deep breath before focusing her eyes on the singer in front of her, not ready to say any of this while looking at Quinn's mother who saw in her a part of the family.

"I gave her reason to," she said reluctantly, waiting for a second for the words to sink in, trying to find the right words. "I blackmailed her with my knowledge, that's why she feels threatened."

"You did what?" Rachel burst out with anger. That was to be expected. What she didn't expect was the silence from next to her. She anxiously turned her head towards the older Fabray but all she got was a look of disappointment before the blonde woman stood up and left the room. She let her head fall to her hands. She wasn't proud of the way she used to be but she couldn't change it either now. It was already too late for that. All that was left now was redemption.

xxxxxxxxxx

Looking over the deserted playground, Quinn started to calm down again, the shot from her inhaler helping her breathing to get back to normal. She closed her eyes, feeling the wind on her face and in her hair while inhaling the fresh night air deeply. She had always liked this place, during the day and during the night. It had a peaceful innocence to it that she never found anywhere else.

She and her sister sometimes got to play here when their aunt watched them when they were younger. This place harbored the happiest memories that she had of her childhood. Fran sometimes took her here when she was already older and she babysat her, knowing how much Quinn loved this place.

She used to come here a lot after her parents had thrown her out. She would watch the children on the playground, imaging what it would be like to see her own daughter among them, before realizing that she wouldn't be there to see that. She would come at night to take in the lingering spirits that the children left behind after a day of playing around. It gave her an inner peace that she couldn't quite describe. It gave her solace in her deepest despair.

"Hey," Quinn heard her thoughts quietly being interrupted from behind her.

"Hey," she simply mirrored, waiting for the intruder to sit down or leave again.

"I thought I would find you here," she said carefully.

"You were right. Give yourself a pat on the shoulder and leave me alone again," she said, her words lacking her usual bite. Her will to fight was starting to leave her body with every passing day. She was sick of fighting, so sick of it.

"Now that wouldn't be any fun, would it?"

As predicted she sat down next to Quinn and the former head cheerleader didn't even have the heart to stand up and leave.

"What is this for?" The woman next to her pointed towards her hands that held her inhaler in a death grip.

"I need it when I have trouble breathing," she answered flatly.

"I didn't know you had asthma."

"I don't. Fran, can't you just leave me alone?"

"No," the older blonde simply stated, looking into hazel eyes that were so much like her own. "So, Rachel Berry, huh? That's quite the surprise."

* * *

**Here we go. I hope you liked the update and are still enjoying this story. Let me know what you think. Reviews always make me happy :)  
**

**Quotes used were from the season finale of season 1 of course. **


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